Trying To Break The Cycle

Not entirely sure how to begin, so I'll just jump in and hope it is coherent. :) I guess one could say I have had weight issues since birth. I was something like 7 weeks early, and weighed a whopping 4lbs (not that you could ever tell it now).  I was average to thin as a little kid, never thought about being skinny or fat, I just knew I didn't want to be like my dad's mom, who was morbidly obese. Then Karen Carpenter died of anorexia. I was still little, maybe 4 or 5 years old, but I loved listening to The Carpenters with my mom, and I was fascinated with Karen. So when my dad told me (I'm sure he thought he was joking) one morning that I had better eat because if I didn't, I would die like Karen Carpenter, I took him to heart. It seems like I started eating and didn't stop. I was something like 90lbs by the time I was 8 years old, and from then on I always felt fat. I was a size 16 when I started high school, and fashion for big girls was not what it is today. I would cry every time I had to go to Lane Bryant and buy "old lady" clothes, because that was the only store in the area at the time that had sizes above a 14!! Sophmore year I started walking in the mornings before school, just to get out of the house before everyone else was up, and I worked my way up to walking 10 miles a day!! I was losing weight and firming up, but I couldn't see it. I still thought of myself the way I looked at 8 years old.  All through school I acted like I was terribly fat, and dressed to hide fat that wasn't really there. When I married my 1st husband at 19, I had started college and put on the "freshman 10" but was still perfectly happy in my size 12s. Before we got divorced 2 years later, I had gained up to over 300lbs! I don't know exactly how much over, because I refused to get on a scale after that. So, at 22, I was divorced, unemployed and fat. My friends were not going to let me sit and stew, they got me going out and dancing at the clubs and I learned not to care about whether or not I was the biggest one in the room. And the weight started to come off again. About 10 years ago, I started working out after my 3rd shift job with a co-worker, and felt really good about myself for the first time!! I was down into size 10 and 8 and I couldn't believe it!! An 8!! Then one day I noticed that I seemed to be gaining a lot of weight really 10lbs in a week!! SO I go on to the doctor, and guess what? I was pregnant!! Awesome! But what nobody bothered to check was my thyroid output. And that sucker died.....I gained over 100 lbs with my pregnancy, went from an 8/10 to a size 26!! My "baby" is now 6 years old...and I'm still at 250lbs, size 22. I was 4 months postpartum before my severe hypothyroidism was ever diagnosed, and even though the last levels came back "normal" I feel very discouraged about losing weight. Losing weight is such an uphill battle to begin with, now it's like I have a rock tied to my ankle, too.!! It's such a nasty cycle. I need to work out more to lose weight and feel better, but I don't have a job, so I can't afford even the cheap little gym that is next door to my apartment, but I've gained so much weight, that it's hard to find a job. (Weight discrimination is real!!) So I've started walking in the mornings again (not 10 miles...yet) after I get my daughter off to school...I just hope I can keep doing it. Gotta start somewhere!!

Bookewyrm Bookewyrm
31-35, F
5 Responses Jan 22, 2010

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I just read the story you shared, and am writing specifically because I understand that sometimes gyms aren't affordable to everyone To introduce myself, my name is Caroline & I am currently working for a health club. I understand the heartache & frustration we all experience though some feel MUCH worse than others. I'm really interested in getting my club to provide everyone who's in this group, w/ complimentary "personal" training & nutritional counseling. It would be through the web, but I'd like to do webchats & personal training through iChats/Skype etc. Anyone have thoughts on this? Anyone interested? Totally complimentary, no strings attached, we can chat by phone and on internet etc. If you want to call me, our club's phone number is 516-678-9400 (so you can see I'm legit LOL) and our site is My email here is :) I really look forward to providing complimentary services to those in need of a life change - make yourself feel better and healthier; we'll take the thinking out of it and we'll develop beautiful friendships together while getting u to the goal you've always had, & weight/lifestyle you've always dreamed of - and seriously, no strings attached! I just think anyone who has the knowledge has a responsibility to share it w/ others besides when we are "paid" for it; it's a blessing to be successful w/ what we do, so I'm volunteering my club to help you all at no cost. Sharing the love XOXO Responses are welcome! Also can reply to:

I think you're on the right track. You seem to have a really great attitude, a positive outlook on life! I agree, it is about state of mind. Portions, what you eat and exercise are also important, as I'm sure you're aware. Anyway, just wanted to lend my support.

If its of any use I am an nlp coach,look at weight loss as well, and currently work in the Diet Industry!! <br />
I hear these stories all the time. Its not really about food tho, your state of mind. You are a powerful human being and your body is a miracle. So much so that it actually has an inbuilt capacity to lose weight! <br />
I work with loads of folk in the same boat and if you are really willing to make the changes and work with your body, losing weight can be one of the simplest things to achieve!<br />
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I agree about the stigma put on people who are has a lot to answer for!

I can relate a lot because I was morbidly obese from my teens to my early twenties. I was able to lose over 200lbs through diet mainly, & walking. But over the past couple years I've been gaining a lot of that back. I'm not sure of my weight right now & I don't want to know it lol. I was put on a med nearly two years ago that has ruined my thyroid, so I know it's going to be incredibly hard to lose all the weight I've gained. I hope you're able to lose the weight you want to lose, as well. I really hate the stigma put on people who are overweight, it's just not right.