Trying To Break The Cycle
Not entirely sure how to begin, so I'll just jump in and hope it is coherent. :) I guess one could say I have had weight issues since birth. I was something like 7 weeks early, and weighed a whopping 4lbs (not that you could ever tell it now). I was average to thin as a little kid, never thought about being skinny or fat, I just knew I didn't want to be like my dad's mom, who was morbidly obese. Then Karen Carpenter died of anorexia. I was still little, maybe 4 or 5 years old, but I loved listening to The Carpenters with my mom, and I was fascinated with Karen. So when my dad told me (I'm sure he thought he was joking) one morning that I had better eat because if I didn't, I would die like Karen Carpenter, I took him to heart. It seems like I started eating and didn't stop. I was something like 90lbs by the time I was 8 years old, and from then on I always felt fat. I was a size 16 when I started high school, and fashion for big girls was not what it is today. I would cry every time I had to go to Lane Bryant and buy "old lady" clothes, because that was the only store in the area at the time that had sizes above a 14!! Sophmore year I started walking in the mornings before school, just to get out of the house before everyone else was up, and I worked my way up to walking 10 miles a day!! I was losing weight and firming up, but I couldn't see it. I still thought of myself the way I looked at 8 years old. All through school I acted like I was terribly fat, and dressed to hide fat that wasn't really there. When I married my 1st husband at 19, I had started college and put on the "freshman 10" but was still perfectly happy in my size 12s. Before we got divorced 2 years later, I had gained up to over 300lbs! I don't know exactly how much over, because I refused to get on a scale after that. So, at 22, I was divorced, unemployed and fat. My friends were not going to let me sit and stew, they got me going out and dancing at the clubs and I learned not to care about whether or not I was the biggest one in the room. And the weight started to come off again. About 10 years ago, I started working out after my 3rd shift job with a co-worker, and felt really good about myself for the first time!! I was down into size 10 and 8 and I couldn't believe it!! An 8!! Then one day I noticed that I seemed to be gaining a lot of weight really quickly...like 10lbs in a week!! SO I go on to the doctor, and guess what? I was pregnant!! Awesome! But what nobody bothered to check was my thyroid output. And that sucker died.....I gained over 100 lbs with my pregnancy, went from an 8/10 to a size 26!! My "baby" is now 6 years old...and I'm still at 250lbs, size 22. I was 4 months postpartum before my severe hypothyroidism was ever diagnosed, and even though the last levels came back "normal" I feel very discouraged about losing weight. Losing weight is such an uphill battle to begin with, now it's like I have a rock tied to my ankle, too.!! It's such a nasty cycle. I need to work out more to lose weight and feel better, but I don't have a job, so I can't afford even the cheap little gym that is next door to my apartment, but I've gained so much weight, that it's hard to find a job. (Weight discrimination is real!!) So I've started walking in the mornings again (not 10 miles...yet) after I get my daughter off to school...I just hope I can keep doing it. Gotta start somewhere!!