Im Trapped In A World Of My Own All Alone I Feel Forever

I AM  A 37 YEAR OLD FEMALE FROM OHIO. I HAVE BEEN OBESE,FAT,FLUFFY OR BIG BONED WHICH EVER YOU WOULD PREFER. I PREFER IM A PHAT PLUS SIZED WOMAN I USED TO HAVE SUCH A HIGH SELF ESTEEM BUT NOT NOW NOT ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN INSTEAD OF THE DEPRESSED SHELL I HAVE  BECOME. I HAVE FELT ALOT WORSE SINCE A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RELATIONSHIP THAT WENT SO VERY BAD. IT WILL BE 6 YEARS IN APRIL WHICH LEFT ME BROKEN IN SPIRIT AND BODY. I HAV E NEVER BEEN THE SAME. IF I DID NOT EVER HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOME I WOULDNT. BUT I MUST GO TO THE DOCTORS AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH SO I LEAVE THEN AND NOT AGAIN TILL THE FOLLOWING MONTH IF I CAN HELP IT. WALKING IS RATHER NON EXCISTANT I TRY TO WALK BUT IT IS SO PAINFUL. I AM AFRAID TO FALL OR BECOME SICK BECAUSE THEN HOW WOULD I GET OUT TO THE HOSPITAL. SINCE MY CRIME I HAVE SEIZURES AND SO I HAVE HAD TO HAV E THE SQUAD COME TO TRANSPORT ME AND IT WAS UTTERLY AWFUL TO SAY THE LEAST. THEY TREATED ME LIKE I HAD A DISEASE SO I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITALS. I NOW WEIGH ALMOST 400 POUNDS AND IM 5'10" I USED TO BE SO HAPPY. SO CAREFREE I NEVER CARED WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT. I GOT TATTOO'S AND WOULD WEAR GOTHIC HAIR AND CLOTHES SO THAT I WAS EVEN MORE SHOCKING. I LIKED TO SHOCK PEOPLE THAT WAY IT HID THE INNER ME AND HID THE SAD PERSON INSIDE SO WISHING THAT SOMEONE WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT I AM BIG BEAUTIFUL AND HAVE A GREAT SENCE OF HUMOR. THAT I LOVED LIFE AND WANTED TO LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST AND IT SADDENS ME TO SAY WANTED AND NOT DOES BECAUSE DOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF I WASNT HERE AT ALL. I JUST GOT MY SUPER DUTY WHEELCHAIR AND I DISPISE IT MORE THAN I COULD EVER EXPRESS HERE IN THIS STORY OF MINE. TO THINK THAT PEOPLE WOULD SEE ME IN IT IS SO DEVASTING. I WOULD LOVE TO FEEL LOVED AND HAPPY AGAIN. LIKE I BELONGED SOME WHERE ANYWHERE. ALL THE DOCTORS CAN SAY IS I HAVE TO HAVE BARIATRIC SURGURY OR I WILL JUST DIE FASTER BUT IF I HAVE TO GO THRU ALL THAT TO BE SKINNY WHICH I NEVER HAVE BEEN EVER THEN WHY AM I OBESE. I DONT EAT LIKE ISHOULD BE OBESE. SOME DAYS I DONT EAT AT ALL. MY ONLY ADDICTION IS CAFEINE. I DONT DO DRUGS I DONT DRINK ALCOHOL. I DONT EAT ALL DAY LONG. OR WHOLE CAKES OR PIZZAS. MY SKINNY BOYFRIEND EATS MORE THAN I DO AND HE CANT GAIN  AN OUNCE AND I CANT LOSE ONE. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND CARE ABOUT MYSELF AGAIN. I WANT TO LOVE AND BE LOVED AGAIN.THIS IS ME ON THE LEFT AND MY DAUGHTER ON THE RIGHT

staceyleighphat staceyleighphat
36-40, F
10 Responses Mar 15, 2010

i can truley relate to you i am a male married with 3 boys im 43 years old and i wiegh in at 575 pounds i have been treated for depression for the last 26 years i can walk only a few feet at a time.i have troubles doing a whole lot of stuff.and i hurt like you wouldn't belive my doc said the only way i will lose any wieght is to have surgery well i don't like that option so im going to do it myself don't ever give up there is allways plenty of people out there that love you very much and for the ones that don't to heck with them.ok the next thing on my mind the thing that helps me more than anything is my faith in god thats were the most strenght comes from that i have..

When reading your story, it seemed as if your heart problems in your body come from your broken heart. There is life after death to an important relationship. Please give yourself time to find it. Maybe re-discovering and dwelling on some small thing that gives you pleasure, a smile, or, at least removes a frown, will help. You deserve a break today and not just in your heart, but in the way you see yourself and your circumstances. You have a family, and those of us who feel your pain are with you.

When reading your story, it seemed as if your heart problems in your body come from your broken heart. There is life after death to an important relationship. Please give yourself time to find it. Maybe re-discovering and dwelling on some small thing that gives you pleasure, a smile, or, at least removes a frown, will help. You deserve a break today and not just in your heart, but in the way you see yourself and your circumstances. You have a family, and those of us who feel your pain are with you.

Sounds as though you've been through alot; especially with a domestic violence situation. Usually when one goes through an ordeal such as that, they go for professional help to get over the hurdle and start and support a new life with a new vision and goals that you so well deserve. Thinking about weight gain is just a symptom of the main issue. Many people are very happy and pleased with either being skinny or being obese. So thinking that one's life will change, just because they are skinny, won't work without the other inner self issues being identified and resolved. <br />
Whatever you decide is best for you is great; just run to get the needed contiinual help and support to assist you in achieving it.

Meerin,<br />
sorry if i stepped on your toes. I apologize. I was just trying to say that there are struggles with weight that are not due to overeating, and perhaps to get her to open up, perhaps in a PM, to discuss her situation in a more private way, perhaps to give her a confidant. Yes, you have been there, as i , and nothing happens with out sincere thought given to ones health, well being, thus to empower her to gain the strength, to begin hopefully, her last battle with this consuming problem.<br />
Stacyleigh, good luck.<br />
Meerin, I appreciate your response, and good luck to you, also<br />
chipperchick

I'm not criticizing her at all. I am overweight as well. I am simply challenging that she does not eat more. Yes, different people's bodies can handle food differently and I would say that it could account for 50 or so pounds, but she is larger than that. I was pointing out things she may be doing without knowing: two people can have lasagna for lunch, but if one has a slightly larger piece, they can be consuming several hundred more calories without realizing and that she may not realize that she is snacking through the day. Nothing I said was meant to be rude. <br />
<br />
She mentioned abuse, so I questioned if her eating may have an emotional cause. People who go through traumatic events can seek comfort or control through food. <br />
<br />
She says that she is depressed and not happy, that she feels trapped by her weight. If she were on here expressing happiness about it, I would not have said anything.

Meerin.<br />
<br />
We must not question this, as stacey has already stated she does not overeat. I agree that diets as you suggest are often the culprit.<br />
<br />
Often disease that go unchecked, such as diabetes, can produce increase in weight. And there are too many drugs out there that cause weight increase. Even advil, that most people take, often 4 x a day, will cause weight increase. Maybe stacy is taking asthma drugs, or is on steroids for some condition that she did not disclose, that's the worse. I was on steroids to stay alive, for 25 yrs, and went up to 254 lbs. i did not overeat. steroids cause a change in carbohydrate metabolism..did you know even the smel of a bakery can cause weight gain. the olfactory nerves pick up the sweet smell, the brain thinks it's getting sugar, and it resonds and produces the surge of insulin, to metabolize the anticipated sugar. when none comes, the extra insulin, turns into fat, inn the body, the intricate details, i can share with you, too long oto eaplain too much microbiology here. did you know that Juvenile tupe1 diabetes? well the rate of deaths among female diabetics are growing a <br />
t a remarkable rate, because the girls are aware of that, and in order to not gt fat, stop taking thir insulin, and die.<br />
thank you for letting me share<br />
chhipperchick

Do you think you use your weight as a way to protect yourself? <br />
<br />
I think you should think about your eating habits. You say that you do not eat like you should be obese, but that's logically not true. You may not be eating massive amounts of food, but all it takes is a few extra hundred calories a day to keep you at a higher weight. You may not even be conscious of the extra food you are consuming while grabbing a snack on the way through the kitchen or while watching tv or on the internet. You may also be eating the wrong type of food. Carb dense, salt laden pre-packaged foods will sabotage your weight.<br />
<br />
I think you should look at compulsive overeating and emotional overeating and see if it is something you have been doing. Not eating and then overeating can become a cycle and will have negative effects on your health.

Oy, I know and feel what you are going through, truly.<br />
<br />
Stacey leigh, pm me if you have any questions.<br />
<br />
Chipperchick.

Please listen to the lyrics on the following Utube song. Maybe it will help. Peace<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r8BaKwyNQ0