I Can't Handle It Much LongerMy entire life I have been struggling with depression and self-esteem issues. I was bullied for part of middle school and even though years have passed since, the things that people said about me have stuck with me. It ruined my whole persona. Their words made me hate myself and the way I look. I've been beating myself up and striving to make myself look perfect in the years since. I starve myself and do everything in my power to achieve perfection.
When I turned 13, things got even worse. My dad committed suicide and this made me spiral into the deepest depression I had ever been in. I showed little to no emotion in the months afterward his death and basically just tried to avoid thinking or talking about it. I wanted to be strong for my family, and I thought I couldn't accomplish that if I showed my true emotions. I was the only person that didn't cry at his funeral, I was devastated but I didn't want anyone to know it. I wouldn't let myself cry in front of anyone.
It's been almost four years since, and I'm still equally as depressed now as I was then. I don't sleep much anymore because whenever I do, I get really intense nightmares that trigger panic attacks. I basically stay up all night, every night crying my eyes out and taking all the pain and anger out on myself. I hit and cut myself. I hate myself so much, I feel like there's something I could have or should have done to prevent my dad's death. I can't stop beating myself up over it.
All of this is unbeknownst to my friends and family. I lead them all on to think that I'm happy and carefree. They have no clue that I'm dead inside. All of this pain is building up inside me and I feel like I'm drowning in it. I really want to let someone know how bad I'm hurting, but I can't. Whenever the opportunity to talk about it arises, I can never find the words to say. I feel like I'm trapped and I just want someone to save me, but I don't know how to ask for help.