I Can't Handle It Much Longer

My entire life I have been struggling with depression and self-esteem issues. I was bullied for part of middle school and even though years have passed since, the things that people said about me have stuck with me. It ruined my whole persona. Their words made me hate myself and the way I look. I've been beating myself up and striving to make myself look perfect in the years since. I starve myself and do everything in my power to achieve perfection.

When I turned 13, things got even worse. My dad committed suicide and this made me spiral into the deepest depression I had ever been in. I showed little to no emotion in the months afterward his death and basically just tried to avoid thinking or talking about it. I wanted to be strong for my family, and I thought I couldn't accomplish that if I showed my true emotions. I was the only person that didn't cry at his funeral, I was devastated but I didn't want anyone to know it. I wouldn't let myself cry in front of anyone.

It's been almost four years since, and I'm still equally as depressed now as I was then. I don't sleep much anymore because whenever I do, I get really intense nightmares that trigger panic attacks. I basically stay up all night, every night crying my eyes out and taking all the pain and anger out on myself. I hit and cut myself. I hate myself so much, I feel like there's something I could have or should have done to prevent my dad's death. I can't stop beating myself up over it.

All of this is unbeknownst to my friends and family. I lead them all on to think that I'm happy and carefree. They have no clue that I'm dead inside. All of this pain is building up inside me and I feel like I'm drowning in it. I really want to let someone know how bad I'm hurting, but I can't. Whenever the opportunity to talk about it arises, I can never find the words to say. I feel like I'm trapped and I just want someone to save me, but I don't know how to ask for help.

taylorietot taylorietot
18-21, F
7 Responses Feb 2, 2013

I'm always here if u need a friend

Thanks. :)

I am very, very sorry about your father... he must have been a good man... I hope you are doing okay, depression is a very hard and challenging thing to overcome!! Please hang in there, the only option should be to keep going, you will heal, we are all here for you. I can only imagine having a very close relative ending their own life like that, they must not have given the thought about how that action could have affected their loved ones, though I don't doubt he still loved you so very very much...

I too am currently going through something similar, but it's loneliness... had it all my life. I don't think it's serious enough to compare to depression, but at the same time, I'm somewhat in the same boat as you I think? But anyway, please hang in there. It seems as if it doesn't get easier, and it gets harder. But regardless of how long the pain is, regardless of how long we are stuck in the deep deep dark hole we are trying to climb out of, we will get out of it. I PROMISE you!!!!!

What kind of things do you enjoy doing? What kind of hobbies? I've noticed that whenever I'm away from my apartment living and actually out and about, around other people, doing the things >>I<< enjoy doing that makes me feel good, I have a better feel about life.

Stay strong, you are a strong, beautiful woman... that's a FACT, whether you believe it to be or not!!!

Thanks for the support. :)

I am sorry for the loss of your Father. I know that there is nothing that I can say to relate to your situation since I have never had anyone in my family kill themselves. I had my uncle drink himself to death on purpose but I wasn't sad about it at all and I'm still not to this day because I knew that he was better off dead then alive given his life circumstances that he faced. And I wasn't really close to him and I knew why he did what did, and that's why I'm not sad that he is gone because I knew that his life was so horrible that he can now finally rest in peace. I have faced a similar situation with my parents about not getting along and snapping at my Dad because he doesn't know how to properly communicate with people at all and he assumes things about me that are not true and treats his assumptions as fact. He is a functioning alcoholic and I thank god that I don't drink or do drugs because then I would become him. I have been scared that somehow I will also inherit some of my parents negative attributes.

Sure you can add me and we will talk

Wow i am sorry for the things that have happened to u. I would love to try and be here for u you i am going through something similar. I know its hard but i know you will overcome it

Thanks. :') We should talk.

And like what the good chick said see aspecialist if you can

Never give up my dear you are just one step away from total freedom and a blissful life
i have been there. Eight months now i am tatally ok

Thanks. :')