My High School Life

im not sure why im writing this, maybe so i can move on? or so ill forget it all? or maybe so i can actually see my thoughts written out and make sense of the situation that im in. ive never been one to write for any other reason than an assignment for school, but this is different. for some reason i want to write this out. i guess this is the first time ive really been hurt by someone. I wont talk about all of high school but ill start with the end of junior year… I had a class with this girl and we started to become pretty close. this was great seeing that this was the girl ive had a crush on since the 9th grade, the only thing was she had been dating this other boy for about 2 years. well school was over but somehow me and this girl stayed close, really really close. we became best friends, i think this is where i made my first mistake. we hung out all the time, but never alone because i didnt want people to get the wrong idea about us. we were just friends, i mean after all cant boys and girls be best friends? well i used to believe that but now im not so sure. as summer came along i really began to fall for her, every night i looked forward to having those long convos where we could talk about anything. i never had a girlfriend before, i never even really had a crush like this before. i started telling myself that i should back off a) she had a boyfriend - i would never want to ruin a relationship and b) there was no way she was in to me. i tried to slow things down and not talk as much or hang out as much, but that plan failed horribly. so we continued to be best friends. then school started back up again.

i was hoping this might be the chance where i could distance myself from her, that way i would stop thinking about how i had a shot or keep myself from getting hurt. but instead of that happening, we get even closer. whenever we talked it was always about the most random things, thats what made it great. we could be complete idiots together, but i loved it. but what i liked even more was when we had serious conversations. sharing those thoughts that you dont tell anyone, it was nice that i finally could talk to someone like that. however whenever we had these kinds of discussions she was the one talking. i never had anything to say, she always had something going on to vent about. mostly girl drama but also a lot of boyfriend problems. i swear on my life i never told her to break up with her boyfriend. i never influenced her relationship whatsoever, the only thing i said was do what makes you happy. of course i wanted her to dump the kid and show her how much i cared and show her how happy she could be with me but i was in no position to tell her that. but something happened early in the school year. she started to act a little different around me and she wasnt being herself. this lasted for about 2 weeks, i always was asking her what was bothering her or what i could do to help but she insisted nothing was wrong. finally late on a friday night, the same night she walked the homecoming court with her kind-of boyfriend (they werent exactly on the best of terms, still dating but not quite on a good note), i got her to spill. she confessed saying she had feelings for me. feelings for me as more than a friend. i couldnt even begin to describe how happy i was, the girl i had a crush on for 3 years likes me. well rather quickly the phone call went bad. she told me she was still going to work things out with her boyfriend and that we really couldnt be anything. right here is where i should have drawn the line. i should have understood this then instead of 7 months after. but back then i didnt care, i wanted to be with her. we stayed on the phone for hours that night, she cried because i tried explaining how we couldnt really be close friends now. i mean how could i be her best friend watching her be with some ******* of a boyfriend knowing she has feelings for me?

now i dont remember much about this time period after she told me this, but we went about a week-ish without talking much. finally she said she would have me in her life some way some how. well she ended it with her boyfriend and thats when we became a “thing”. unfortunately thats all we would ever be. we acted like a couple would, did things like a couple would. i guess we pretty much were dating. i read some quote somewhere that said “its the actions that define a relationship, not a word” so i like to think we were dating, even if she said we werent. a couple months passed, the best time of my life. we were always together, it was like our friendship never changed, except for i got to kiss her goodnight and tell her how i really felt. no more holding it it, it was very nice. during this time there were petty fights- all about her ex. nothing major, we always worked it out and everything seemed fine. spring break was coming up soon,and this is where everything fell apart.

she went on a week vacation in destin with a couple of friends,where she said there wouldnt be any boys. so i wasnt worried about anything happening while she was going on this week-long party. well i find out at their beach house they have parties and college frat boys are there? i was a little worried because i didnt think alcohol + older college guys on spring break (who want nothing more than to get in girls pants) was a good combo. well not only were me and her in a fight but on this vacation her and her best friend got in a fight. (the friend who took her on the vacation). well when she got back we hung out and everything was alright untill she started telling stories of what happened. it sounded like she was being flirty and it made me feel uncomfortable. there had been rumors that she may have done something with one of these college kids, but to this day im not really sure what happened. this day would also happen to be the last day i would ever hang out with her. we did nothing but argue about things, mostly her going out to parties. she said we were done. actually she said she didnt care about me in a romantic way anymore. i was crushed.

how could this happen? i did nothing but care for her and treat her with respect, i gave her everything. this is where everything turned around and i began to figure out who she really was. 

i got the idea that we were over but i still liked her a lot, so i asked if we could go to prom just as friends. we didnt have to even be dates, all i wanted was to match with her and ride on the same party bus. she however wanted to go single. i was upset but , like always, i wanted her to be happy and have what she wants. well i find out about 2 weeks later that SHE asked another boy to prom. this made me furious. she lied to me. lied right to my face. how could someone who once cared about me lie to me and hurt me so much? this was just the first of things that would make me cringe. i then found out later that her and her prom date hooked up, once again a lie. she wanted to be single, but yet she was gonna go out to parties with this new kid like they were a “thing”? as if  all this wasnt bad enough, i find out shes talking to her ex again. the same ex who she swore she would never talk to again, the same ex who she said was a cheating, lying dbag. the same ex who she would “never have to see or talk to again”. yeah she started talking to him again. she called me one night explaining how it would be dumb if they werent friends. she told me they kissed, but that they werent getting back together. this was great.

2 months after me and my crush are over this is what happens

-she lies about prom dates

-hooks up with her prom date

-starts talking to her ex, who she said she would never talk to again

-kisses her ex

-lastly and the worst part, she says she still cares for her ex. after everything. 

Now as if this whole situation wasnt screwed up enough, the fact that she cared for this ******* the whole time was heartbreaking. its not what you think though. she can like whoever she likes, im happy she figured it all out. what kills me is knowing that whenever i look back at the good times, none of it was real. everytime she said i was the best thing to ever happen to her or every time she said she liked me. it was all a lie. well im glad she has her feelings figured out now, its not fair that it was at my expense though. but even though this sounds like it ends horribly, it really doesnt. i always thought i did something wrong, that it was my fault. but i didnt do anything but care/love. i never lied, cheated, or put myself in a situation that made her feel uncomfortable. she was the one who made all the mistakes. this is why its easy to forgive and forget. if i made a mistake i would never forgive myself, but knowing that i did everything i could and that i did it right makes evrything that much easier. knowing that she isnt the great and amazing person i thought she was, makes it so easy to realize im not losing anything special.

now me and this girl dont talk much. i blocked her off of facebook and twitter, which seems really immature. maybe it is, but its better than seeing pictures of her out on the weekend with guys reminding me how just how much she hurt me. but things are much better, i didnt think i would be over her so fast but strangely, i am. i guess when i understood that she wasnt the “angel” i thought she was i realized i didnt care for her. yeah i miss our friendship, but nothing more than that. even so, our friendship will never be what it once was, not after you hurt someone so much. so i guess i dont really miss her at all. in fact after graduation i dont ever have to see her again, and ill be able to move on for good. ill be able to surround myself with people that wont hurt me and keep the negative people out of my life. i wont say i regret anything, even if her feelings werent real. even if she liked her ex the whole time, she at east made me happy for a brief couple of months. they say dont regret anything that once made you happy. so im good now. all in all this senior year was the most eventful, crazy,hectic,fun,sad,horrible,greatest year ever...

It's so weird to think how so much can change in the course of a year. I never could have guessed all these events happening, but I'm glad they did. Me as a person has changed a lot, for the better. Before this girl, I had no confidence, I was afraid to let people know how o really felt. But now I feel like I'm a better person that's learned better morals and values. It's crazy to think that such a mess of a situation can turn into something good. Moving on has never felt so good. 

Please leave comments and or questions if you have any!
Easydoesit15 Easydoesit15
18-21, M
May 19, 2012