When Realizations Hit You

Dear God,
I don’t think this is purely emotional but it did sting when I actually saw his pic with the girl. Although, I am not complaining. The pain could have been worse, i know. Thank you for this. I know that what I need to do is to pick up the pieces of my life alone. So here are some of the realizations that I had so far.
I cannot complain so much and shift all the blame to a person. Even if it was not my intention, my words may have sounded so. So here goes..
In entering the relationship, I was not forced. It was a product of an unchecked impulse and a wrong but conscious decision. In our devotional session today, I realized that when you go astray, you will find that the journey along the way is full of pain, anger, doubt and confusion and tears. It is like a bubblegum that I used to buy in my childhood days. Sweet at the top, but deep down to the core is extreme sourness. You will just have to spit it out after sometime. Most children spit it out immediately once the covering is removed, but some continue to chew the gum, perhaps thinking that somewhere deep down the core is sweetness. Eventually, no sweetness is discovered and hence, it is expelled finally from the mouth. I do not wish to stay in the same situation.
It would have been great if I was quick to spit it out. However, lessons from God don’t work that way I guess. If I was immediately successful in my moving on process, I would not have learned the following:
1. Patience
2. Understanding
3. Level headedness
4. Seeing my friends and family as a blessing
5. The joy of grieving
6. The relief of telling the truth even if it hurts your pride
7. Forgiving heart
8. Patience.. patience.. patience (I used to think I was, but after this, I know I will become a patient person)
9. Trust in the Lord and in all His plans
I cannot complain also that the pain and hurt is too much. All of us should have our fair share of darkness. Fair does not mean that it has to have the same magnitude in some man-made scale. Fair, in the sense that it is based on the things that a person has to learn. Why do I complain then? All the while, God made sure I am not alone. He sent angels in the form of family and friends. He is with me the whole time and it was I who turned away most of the time. And so I conclude that I am not ready yet. It is tempting, modesty aside; I have a lot of takers. However, being conscious about the real form of love, I will choose to wait when Im ready. When Im happy in being alone. You cannot expect to find a person that will give so much love that it makes you love yourself too. Love, in its real sense, is a constant decision. Commitment means deciding to love the other person every single day. At first, it might be chemistry or compatibility or magic or physics.. name it.. but it must involve a conscious and guided decision deemed right in the eyes of God. In the long run, it is a decision still. So it takes maturity. Therefore, while I wait, I will work on my self re-assessment. I will strive to be a woman of virtue and sense. Somebody that a good man would want to bring home to his family and call her wife. There is no pressure of finding somebody. And if my dysfunctional, emotional and irrational version attacks again, I will read this again and again.
brbarbie brbarbie
22-25, F
Jan 23, 2013