Born to Rise, Destined to Fall - Fated to Survive

Well, where should I begin? If it started anywhere - it was around age 19. I was ultimate emotional loose cannon. I fed off the negative or positive emotions of others around me like some sort of junkie. AOL proved to be great for finding other unbalanced people with bipolar or other various issues at the time. However, there is a select population of AOL that are actually dangerous. I'm talking about the more than garden variety psychos and I hooked up with a destructive, alcoholic one who was 38 from the hellhole universally recognized as Scranton, PA.  I moved like greased lightning - I practically moved there on 2 occasions and attempted to live there but 'Hectate' had other plans. Suddenly I was the problem child and not her 'good man'. She slept around, started drinking, smoking and using drugs again. All this with an already enlarged liver. Yes I confess that i came from an overly safe town and wanted to know what it was like to live in a town or city of maximum risk. If you grow up on one side of the tracks, you want to know what the other is like. The crash was soul shattering.  I thought I would never want to live or feel again. Ironically, learning how to live again isn't the hard part; it's learning how to fly again on faith when you don't trust your wings. I can feel love, anger, sorrow, frustration. That's not the problem. The tricky part is moving beyond the fear of crashing again. And that's a very real fear. I have a dislike of alcohol or drugs and decidedly uncomfortable with dependence on anyone or anything that I cannot control to an extent. I'm comfortable watching movies and listening to music but not with TV because it's designed to be disgustingly addictive. So I am moving on from an unhealthy addiction to TV and from my past as an emotional junkie.

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26-30
5 Responses Feb 8, 2009

I've decided to go polyamorus all the way. I just love too much ya know?? It seems unreasonable for me to promise to somebody that "i wont love anybody but you" in that romantic way- so im writing that out

its one of those paradox's its achy to hide away from the world and "escape" and terrifying to take that dive... not to imagine the occasional splat

im there- right in the learning how to fly stage again... it kinda sucks sometimes

Well said. I hate feeling like I have no control over a situation. No drinking or drugs either. I do, however, watch tv, although not as much as I used to.

<i>"I have a dislike of alcohol or drugs and decidedly uncomfortable with dependence on anyone or anything that I cannot control to an extent. I'm comfortable watching movies and listening to music but not with TV because it's designed to be disgustingly addictive."</i><br />
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Me too! The only negative I see in this is that its a bit difficult to connect to a majority of people around you who are very teleholic. But then if you find a person who you can have excellent non-television conversation with is great!<br />
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The control concern is the main reason why I do not binge drink/ get drunk. It is great to meet others who have these visions.