Dependent On Past Fiance

Six years ago I met someone from England who was visiting a friend here in the US. We instantly became best friends, although nothing beyond that yet. Years passed and we both dated other people but every night we logged online and talked with each other through skype, forums, messenger for hours! His name was Dave and he instantly found a place in my heart. He was the "tell-all" person who I ran to for advice without even a thought. We knew everything about each other and had pretty much lived our college experiences through each other telling the other person over the phone in excrutiating detail without blinking!

After two years of friendship, Dave and I began dating and within the year were engaged to one another. We flew to visit one another, enjoyed our trips together and were ready to get married. Two months before the wedding, we began having disagreements, he lost his temper and I was afraid of leaving my family to go live overseas where I did not know anyone. I had a new niece in the family and also wanted to go to graduate school in the US. I ended the engagement but vowed to keep him as a close friend in my life. Every day, never fail, we still called each other and talked about everything.

I met someone else and he and I began dating and later much more serious. Dave was always there for me through the relationship, and as I moved to the big city he would talk with me on my one hour train rides to and from work. Problem was, every time things went wrong in my relationship, I ran to Dave and not my boyfriend. There were several times during break ups that Dave and I almost got together and too many lines were crossed. I had a falling out with my serious boyfriend two years later and now...well, Dave has walked away for good.

Dave explained to me that he sabotaged my relationship on purpose to try to be with me. While I had gone to him for advice for so long, he had a hidden motivation. He told me that he is no longer interested in me because he cannot trust me. I begged and begged him to be with me. I told him he is a special person in my life and I would marry him and follow through. But he said his heart is with another woman and that he was going to see her for two weeks. I was almost okay with this until he told me "don't try to seduce me away from her, you know I have a weakness for you" and also that if things didn't work out with her, that he would be interested in being with me later.

I knew I had hurt him, I knew I hadn't been right in how I had treated him. Yet I felt like a sexual object, like I was tossed aside once I finally wanted him and I felt betrayed that he gave me false advice. I know now that I must let him go but I am struggling. Community...can you help me to let go? I find myself wanting to call, write, message even though he is with someone new! I need to stop this, I need to be strong if he does try to come back and be with me so that I can say NO! But how do I even go forward without the one person who was always there for me for six years? I don't mean to sound weak, but this has been painstakingly difficult thus far.

AcrosstheGreatDivide AcrosstheGreatDivide
26-30, F
Feb 26, 2010