I'd Fight If I Thought It Would Help.

I feel like I've got two parts. One thats deals with the norm and the darker stronger part.
That makes me self harm and enjoys it. Last time I did it I smiled and laughed. Its unbelievable.

I will be lieing in bed at night and I'll just randomly bring up memories that are always bad. That remind me of why I'm pathetic and worthless. I can't stop this, it always comes back. I have no control over it.
This will make tension rise, until I've got to self harm. Or it'll make me go into a depression which also leads to self harm because I don't know what else to do.

I do this all the time. I've got triggers but I don't avoid them. I don't try. I like being like this, just to prove to everyone I'm special. But I know this isn't healthy, I know its not normal.
I just.... I want to be sane. But when I fight it, the memories, the urges to cut, I feel like I'm crazy. Then when I let them in and I cut I feel normal.

I've got a voice in my head which speak to me as if its always shouting. Telling me why I'm pathetic and useless. Not worth the attention of everyone and that I'm doing all this so people will look at me.
No-one put that voice there. Only I could have done that.
Why have I done this?

Looking back at what I've written it all looks crazy, insane, abnormal and repulsive. I feel physically sick. I am disgusted with myself. But I know I won't stop. This being written is just another cry for help, attention. Just another thing thats makes me hate myself.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
18-21
1 Response Jul 16, 2010

I absolutely understand what you've written here. I could have written it, too, as I feel completely the same way. I hear voices, sometimes so loud and cruel that it makes me scream. So I keep the TV on or the radio. Never being in silence or otherwise I'd have been taken away by now. Self harm? The knives are my best friends. Depression? Suffering from it for like 2-3 years now. I, to be honest, can't help you to get over your troubles. I can only offer you my ears. You are not alone, not insane or sick, you just have problems. Maybe you should find somebody who can help you. Don't give up! *hugs*