On A Mission For Self-destructionYes, I am a perfectionist and I'm on my way to self-destruction. Recently I had to confess to myself what I really want in this life: I want to become a superpowered machine, moving at the speed of light, unfailing, efficient, and invincible. I want to be always on the go, full of energy, sharp and prepped up. I want to be a superpower. Some doctors advocate to make amphetamines available to the general public, but I would oppose to it just because of people like me: if I had unlimited access to something that gives me strength to just go-go-go, I would not stop until my body collapsed.
So, this is the way I go about life: push and nag myself, set higher and higher goals for myself, always discontented with myself, never satisfied. Everybody knows that no one can be the best to everything, but I have always realized that I had silently assumed that I should at least tried to do my own personal best. And I tried, and of course failed, because it is not in human power to be prepped up and on the go 24/7.
I don't just set goals to myself: I set high goals, and if I achieve a goal, I immediately set one up higher, and then get frustrated when I don't reach it. Just an example: I decided for myself that NO MATTER WHAT I should run for 40 minutes. Someone will say: well, it's hard to run 40 minutes every day, you should have at least 2 days off running each week. And I will say: hard may be, but I can and will do it. So I set up a high goal, and then I realize that 40 minutes a day is really exhausting and on some days I can do only 30. If I am extremely tired, I will stop. Some may say that even 30 minutes is good enough, but I have already lost, because I failed to achieve my goal. Then, say, the nest day I am running on the treadmill, look and see that I have already run for 36 minutes. 4 minutes to go, I feel full of energy: I will immediately think that just for that day I should do 45... I do not want to achieve a goal, I just want to be exhauted.
Nothing I do is ever good enough for me: I compulsively strive to achieve yet another goal and always find a way to persecute myself yet from another angle.I I am determined to self-destruct.
Then I look around at people around me - happy content people, and reproach myself for being miserable, trapped inside my own head, and feeling empty and tired. The thing is, I don't want to be happy, I strive to become that invincible machine! That is my life's compelling goal, and I'm on my way to achieve unachievable!! Death, here I am, flying into your arms with a speed of light!
juliexplosion 22-25 1 Response 1 Aug 26, 2010