My Mind Is My Prison.Sometimes I am afraid that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I feel like every time I try and do something that might make my life better, my mind says no. It keeps me from going out and doing things, from being social. For example right now, all I can think about is how dumb this is that I am writing this. I know its not dumb, I know this can help me. But my mind is still screaming for me to stop, fighting it feels like trying to fight a hurricane, it just feels impossible. I hate it. I just read this 5 times in a row, deleting things every time I did, because I thought they where stupid. That is the type of thing I'm talking about. I couldn't help going back and deleting things I had written. It's like a natural reflex.
I go through phases where I think that my mind is right, maybe I shouldn't do things, that way I can never get hurt, emotionally and mentally (after I was finished I tried to delete this part, I got half way through and then stopped and made myself retype it). And I get stuck in this rut that takes me months to get out of. All I do is just sit in my room. I don't know what I am so afraid of. Maybe its that people will laugh at me, but I don't know why they would. Maybe because I feel I do not fit into this world. I don't really know. I can not find any rational justification for these emotions I am feeling, but I can not just make them go away like I used to be able to.
I keep trying to go back an reread what I have written, but I know I can't because what I wrote is what I feel, and if I get rid of that, then its like I am not feeling at all. I don't want to become an emotionless empty shell, just because my mind doesn't want me to experience the world.
After staring at this page for 5 minutes I have decided that this is good for me to do. I just hope that with time, and practice, I can force my mind to take the back seat and let me live my life.
thequietguy 18-21, M 9 Responses 3 Mar 2, 2011