My Mind Is My Prison.

Sometimes I am afraid that I am the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I feel like every time I try and do something that might make my life better, my mind says no. It keeps me from going out and doing things, from being social. For example right now, all I can think about is how dumb this is that I am writing this. I know its not dumb, I know this can help me. But my mind is still screaming for me to stop, fighting it feels like trying to fight a hurricane, it just feels impossible. I hate it. I just read this 5 times in a row, deleting things every time I did, because I thought they where stupid. That is the type of thing I'm talking about. I couldn't help going back and deleting things I had written. It's like a natural reflex.
I go through phases where I think that my mind is right, maybe I shouldn't do things, that way I can never get hurt, emotionally and mentally (after I was finished I tried to delete this part, I got half way through and then stopped and made myself retype it). And I get stuck in this rut that takes me months to get out of. All I do is just sit in my room. I don't know what I am so afraid of. Maybe its that people will laugh at me, but I don't know why they would. Maybe because I feel I do not fit into this world. I don't really know. I can not find any rational justification for these emotions I am feeling, but I can not just make them go away like I used to be able to.
I keep trying to go back an reread what I have written, but I know I can't because what I wrote is what I feel, and if I get rid of that, then its like I am not feeling at all. I don't want to become an emotionless empty shell, just because my mind doesn't want me to experience the world.
After staring at this page for 5 minutes I have decided that this is good for me to do. I just hope that with time, and practice, I can force my mind to take the back seat and let me live my life.
thequietguy thequietguy
18-21, M
11 Responses Mar 2, 2011

I wake up every morning thinking is staying sober and alive enough??? The answer is yes because maybe one day something might click. I was severely abused everyday as a kid and now that I'm sober I don't leave the house I feel every injury and imbalance. But each other's stories give hope. So we do so much.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️We are beautiful

Your post made me cry cause we stand tête-à-tête. It's caused me major losses, it's the only thing that's stopping me from reaching the goals of my career & myself but I can't help it. Despite having a family who claims to love me, why can't they see what's wrong?

I am in the exact same boat you are... the media tells us one thing, our parents tell us another, our friends tell us something completely different. It feels like there's no right answer and you just want to just lay in bed and not think about anything. Choices, your future, the present... it all seems so bleak. Nothing seems to be going right. Nothing seems to feel right. You find some hope in something. Yay, things may get better, but then that little glimmer of hope is crushed as well. You get anxious, depressed, and you don't feel like doing anything anymore. The things you once loved are dead. You push away the people that love you because they're always wondering what's wrong or want to give you advice. You feel worthless. Your mind keeps telling you that you aren't good enough for anything and hold you back.

I've finally decided to change this, though. I am changing the way I look at my life. I'm going to do whatever I can to get out of this rut. I'm going to do those things I love again. Playing my guitar, writing, taking pictures, drawing. The things that make me feel alive. Even if I'm not the best, those things make me happy. I started volunteering and I love that. Just take it one day at a time, don't let each and every bad thing that could happen to you get to you. Believe in yourself. You DESERVE to be happy. It'll take some work, but find some happiness in each day. Think about the things you do have and what potential you have. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do what your heart says, not your mind. Eventually, it'll shut the heck up.

I just saw how long ago this was posted... I hope you are doing well :)

You've given us your age. You are too young to be troubled by what you are going through.<br />
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We are all, after is said and done, "prisoners" of ourselves, whether by our own design, which is easily imagined --- or faces reality.<br />
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You stand afraid of relationships --- you are afraid of "putting yourself out there" --- you are afraid of "experiencing the world". You can't imagine how many of us on this forum face, or have faced the same challenge.<br />
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Just be yourself --- we're all individuals --- we (and that incluces you), all have something to offer to others. Try offering friendship, understanding and reaching out to others. Don't forget --- they want your friendship, love and understanding --- just as much as you do.<br />
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You're not alone in this world. Many of us have been there. Don't be afraid --- put your best foot forward. Learn to give ---- and you'll receive.<br />
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Best of luck to you from all of us on this forum. We're all here for you.

I remember when I had trouble controlling what's in my mind. Well, actually I still do alittle but I have my own solutions. In my mind, I am the one who rules and no one else. When something, you see, it's like sometimes there is something in my head that seems to think on it's own (kinda like when you have a random dream at night, you think to yourself I wouldn't think about something like this why is my mind doing this on it's own) and I have trouble trying to keep it steady with what I want in it sometimes. It usually pulls out what I don't like to see and causes me to think of it non stop, even twisting it around from it's original form into something even more repulsive. In my mind, I am the only one who get's the say and when something like that happens I arm myself and take care of what's my own special way if you get what im saying. Let's just say when im in charge, I take extremes. Just know, no matter what happens, you stay strong and take back what's yours, not some random circuits in your mind trying to mold your mind into something it isn't.

I've dealt with this before. No, I'm dealing with this or at least I try. The fear of being seen as a fool, a bully or a victim, can stop you from Many things. But in the end I believe it is worse to be a coward. To be someone who let's fear dictate what they do and who they are. Because sometimes fight is worth the pane, the crime is worth the punishment, the laughter is worth the tears and life is worth the risk. The truth is at some point in time you just say **** it because,in the end, we all die. It is what we have dun that defines us.

Brother I feel yeah. I am in a management position for a great company and I am successful. I interact with business people and employees all day. And I fight these same issues. But telling the people in your life what you have just shared here is the key. If they are truly your friends they will help you fight this battle. I know how hard it is to ask for help when you feel like a loser. But trust me it works. I have friends that encourage me, and I know it's asking a lot from them, but it works. <br />
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Hope I can be there for you brother!

Your post is difficult to answer.<br />
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You are going through nothing more than what most of us have been through.<br />
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I think what you're saying is that every time yu come to a "fork in the road", you make the wrong turn.<br />
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Don't worry about it. It happens to the best of us. As far as your being "dumb" --- no, you're not.<br />
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There is no such thing as "being dumb". What you are going through is the human experience.<br />
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You're not alone ---- we've all been there. We've all experienced it, at some point in time, in our lives.<br />
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Don't be afraid of life. Just be the best that you can be. No one will ask better of you than that.<br />
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Bless you ---- and I wish you the best of luck in life.

Yes it is :) and oh man that sucks, I'm gonna tell him, after his faggish mom stops yelling at him

God, it feels nice to know your not the only one like this in this world.<br />
I think you should tell your friend. I know it can be hard. In fact I strongly encourage you to open up to your friend. I used to have a close friend like that, that I always thought about opening up to. Then I moved away for University and we don't talk at all anymore. Every time I think about it I wish I had talked to him about what was going on. I feel very cliche for saying that, but it's true.

Okay I'm jus happy I'm not the only one like that, I am the same, I really wanna tell my friend this is what I mean, I always feel like an idiot like right now