I Keep Hurting Myself And It's Only Making My Bad Situation Even Worse....

Idk what to say....I just saw the titel "I Am My Own Worst Enemy" And I have been thinking that a lot about myself lately. I keep cutting and pill popping my meds. I feel I need to do these things in order to feel. I feel so dead inside when I don't but I know it will only make things worse in the long run. I know these behaviors are sinful and I feel so guilty but I'm starting to think i am carrying TO much guilt around. My parents say I am to hard on myself and that I need to learn to love myself but everything I do is bad and I feel like a bad person and self pity is one of those bad things. Yet I really have had a hard life. I am slowly realizing I am not the only one who is hurting in this world or at least noticing other hurting people so I am not so hard on myself but I still have a lot of self pity over being stomped and trampled on by the people I care the most about in the past....Like my biological mom drinking with me while in the womb and then the state taking me away for adoption. That is probably the hardest thing because my brain just doesn't seem to work right and my brain seems to cause me to do awful harmful things to myself and get stuck in negative thinking and lies that I know are not healthy yet I don't even try to change it because it is difficult. The hardest part about being my own worst enemy is seeing my scars all up and down my arms and legs...they've turned me into a monster. Even while I wear long sleeves I can almost feel the scars. They feel gross and dirty and make me feel evil and like such a messed up monster. ...Hate being carved on my left arm and Love being carved on my right....I started cutting when I was 14 and i'm 22 and still cutting almost everyday....Why don't I learn from my mistakes?....Because I am my own worst enemy:(
stephybear1990 stephybear1990
22-25, F
1 Response May 15, 2012

I know how you feel about the scars. However you need to know that what your mother did and the state isn't your fault. I have scars on my arms also. I have come to call them battle scars. There are proof of the pain I once lived with. I use to feel dead inside and almost lost a grip on reality to. I couldn't even look in a mirror cause I thought I was the ugliest girl in the world. I am 27 now and have been clean from cutting for 2 years. I had a relapse once. It wasn't easy and the urges sometimes got unbearable. So if you ever want someone to talk to feel free to inbox me. I know how hard it is to let go of the past. I understand what you are going through.