If It Doesn't Kill You What Does It Matter?

I used to hurt myself in every way possible when I was a teenager. After having my daughter I vowed to stop and I was doing really good. When things started getting hard in my marriage and my husband was not responding how I needed I gave up. I realized no one can help me but me. The only i know how to cope is to hurt myself, its as if I can't breath and as soon as the skin opens so do my lungs. I tried crying out for help but no one responded, I even told them flatly that I am not well but no one came so I am fighting alone. I will do what it takes.
cobweb10 cobweb10
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

Hi ! Do with this what you want, I'm no psychologist, but it might be the help from that random stranger that will get you out of there, you never know.

To get to what you want in life, there is usually more than just one way to get there. From what I understood, what you want is to have that feeling of being liberated from whatever is putting an unmanageable pressure on your shoulders, and the only way you have found is to cut into your skin. We all have our ways of releasing pressure, but for quite a few people, it's not just a late night lonely stroll around the park, and these may be dangerous for yourself and others, so it is a necessity that you find that alternative way, even though it may be difficult. Sometimes the alternative way is finding a solution to the root of the problem that you are facing by understanding it, meaning that you will be able to free yourself from the problem. What I've just told you comes from the mouth of my psychologist, but I don't totally agree with her. Please let me explain.

As I said, there is usually more than one way to feel better, and more than one also suggests more than two. You probably don't care about what I'm going through, but I'm gonna have to share a small part of it for you to understand what I mean: Since the age of around 10 or 11, I started feeling like having to cope with just day to day life, no matter how simple, was just too much to take. When I felt too much pressure, the only way to blow off steam was to let it out on someone, unfortunately that person had to be mother. I would scream my lungs out until I could not speak anymore, break stuff and tried to destroy any bond I had with anyone in sight. After an hour or two of this, I would break down and cry for another hour, and it felt so good, letting go of my emotions, shutting off my brain and letting the tears roll. Then I would think that everything had gone away, but all it did was push back an underlying problem. Of course, I could not keep acting like this by the time I was a teenager. This problem is way too hard for anyone to solve, so I had to find a way to get that feeling of relief again. I managed to find it through making my own music and writing lyrics, so now I can use this as a way to calm myself for some time.

What you need is something (or someone, who knows?) that will make you feel alive, but be careful because people who search for this type of relief will often find it in drugs, but this only lasts temporarily. If there's anything you need to remember is that drugs will just make things worse, even if it's just a bit to feel better. I've been down that road already, it's not pretty. (Unless they are prescribed i.e. Anti-depressants, but that's a whole other debate)

I found a way to that feeling or relief that didn't hurt anyone in the process, and actually made some people happy. It also made me more popular among several groups of people because they could see that I was really passionate about something, and social acceptance is something that nearly everyone needs, no matter how much you may want to reject it.

I really hope you get through this, it sounds like you are having some really rough times, hang in there.

Matt

Thank you for such a long and detailed response, really shows you put some effort into what you had to say. I am taking everything you've said to heart. I understand what you mean. I do write and sing and both help a lot. I've also dabbled in drugs. I do care about your story and I understand in order for you to get your point across it requires you share part of your story.