A NightmareOn April 1, 2010, I finally found my voice. I stood up for myself against my boyfriend and dumped him. I suffered for a long time after that. Sexual harassment. Rumors. Bullying. I suffered.
On November 10, 2010, I started cutting to cope with the pain he'd caused.
On April 8, 2011, I tried to kill myself because I couldn't take it anymore.
Two years ago tomorrow, I remember the day I spat in Death's face. I relive the nightmare that I can barely remember. I relive the most fear I'd ever felt. The most numb I'd ever felt. The most content I'd ever felt. I wanted to die that night. I wanted the knife to go just a little deeper. Just hit the vein. Then it would all be over. No more seeing his face in every nightmare. No more hearing what people were saying about me. No more hating my reflection. No more. If I hadn't panicked and texted my friend, I would have died that night. He saved me.
My memory of that night is fuzzy. But I woke up the next day. A new scar going down my arm. My phone open with a text from him saying he was proud of me for not doing it. My face stained with tears. The note crumpled in the trash. The knife on the table. I was alive. God, how I wished I wasn't. But I was. The nightmare burned in the back of my mind and I couldn't remember.
I reread our messages.
His pleas. "We can get through this."
His begging. "I'll do anything to get you to put it down. Please."
His insisting. "It will get better."
My crying. "I want to die."
My begging. "Please, please, just let me die. I can't do it anymore."
My denial. "It's never going to get better."
My confession. "I put it down."
His cries. "Thank God."
My thanks. "You saved me."
His praise. "I'm so proud of you. You're stronger than Death. The storm will pass now. I promise."
Tomorrow, I have to face the world. I have to show the world that I'm still stronger than death. That the sun is behind the clouds.
Tomorrow will come.
ReesesPeaces 16-17, F 0 Apr 7, 2013