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To all appearances, I am a sweet, funny [in both senses of the word] little girl to my friends. I have no public enemies. Except myself.

I accept that this is not a good thing. I know it can't be good for my self-image, self-worth, self-esteem, etc.

In my experience, many ppl with a public enemy seem to relish ripping into their foe. When they have a bad day, they blame their troubles on their enemy. They can spend an hr ranting about how that person has made their life hell. Well, I do it as well. To myself.

I'll rage at myself for a stupid mistake that's led me to a bad situation. A foolish error, a slip-up, a bad impression, a failed test - anything can trigger it suddenly, and not always the same things. I find it hard to "forgive" myself for these little wrongs. I mean, its not as though I'm irrevocably damaging myself, I think. Sometimes I wish that I had a public enemy so I could give it a rest every now and then, all this self-targeting. But then I think that's a little selfish. Better I hurt myself and then fix myself up later when I feel better, than hurl verbal abuse at someone else and bring them down. B/c at least with myself, I can "regulate" it, and pull myself back with little self-admonishments, like "don't be stupid, you're not THAT bad." I wouldn't wish bad-mood-me on anyone, b/c i can really be so bitchy and mean. ha. I guess I learn from the best right here in this house.

BowsAndBones BowsAndBones
18-21, F
Jul 24, 2007