I Hate It Sometimes

I'm 15, 5' 6 1/2'', and weigh 49kg (about 110lb). By health standards, I'm a little underweight, and to be honest I've never seen a doctor to see if I'm healthy. I eat a normal amount, and actually eat a fair amount of junk food. I walk to and from school each day, but spend most of my day sitting down in front of my computer, or in my class.
I'm a little skinny, and I hate it. A couple of years ago, I didn't care at all about my weight, but then I became obsessed with the idea of being thinner. I'd try to cut down on meals and eat less of what was on my plate. My mum is a no-nonsense woman who would never let me go without eating breakfast AND dinner AND a snack, which I am really grateful for. Because the obsession began to take over my life, and it was only a point a little over a year ago that I realised I was actually too skinny, and stopped wanting to lose weight.
Thanks to my mum's approach to raising me, I hadn't been eating much less than before, and my weight went up from 7 stone (98kg) to about 7 1/2 stone (105kg), which wasn't a big difference. But instead of thinking I was too fat, I started thinking I was too thin.
It wasn't helped by comments from... friends, family and other people. My mum frequently commented that I was skinny, and sometimes made very specific comments about what exactly was skinny about me, and I realised at that point that my mum was as insecure as I was, except that she was a little overweight, and had been dieting for over a year.
My friends used to joke that I was anorexic, which I'd laugh off (as by that point I frequently ate more than they did), but it actually upset me more than I liked to tell them. They've stopped now, but still occasionally made comments (for example yesterday my friend grabbed hold of my arm and then said my arms were really skinny), and talk about it like it's something they should aspire to. Only one of my friends hasn't said that she wishes she was as skinny as me, but she isn't as self consious as most girls. Actually, two of them. That's cheered me up slightly!
I also have funny eating habits, which doesn't help my argument that I don't have an eating disorder. I pick at food, and take small bites. I eat my food seperately, like a piece of pasta, then some meat, then vegetables. I also don't like eating in the dining hall without at least someone I know there, and at home I sit at the table, whereas my family sit on the settee to eat.
But with all of that... backstory, I just feel self-consious. My thighs are the only part of me which looks more like a healthy weight, and I like my thighs, but my arms especially are skinny. Sometimes I hate to look at my arms. I also have cold hands and feet (sometimes my fingernails go blue), and I feel tired a lot for some... reason... I don't know why that is actually.
I try to eat a lot to gain weight, but as soon as I get stressed about something (which doesn't happen very much, I don't really take things seriously) I lose some. When I'm worried or tired I don't have an appetite.
In the end, I do think that I should just accept that I'm naturally skinny, and normally I do, but then someone comments on how skinny I am, and how jealous they are, and it makes me feel sad. I'm an AA cup, which is really small and I don't like it. One time, in a lesson (when the teacher was out of the room), the class ended up talking about cup size, and my friend told me she felt small in comparison to what other girls were saying. I told her I was AA and she just went 'Awwww' (the way you do when you see a puppy). We laughed for a few minutes about that. Now I feel better about it.
I think... I don't really see the point in telling you all anyway, and I can't think of anything else to say...
Basically, I feel self-consious about it, but I've started learning to accept it, and if you're reading this because you're consious about being skinny, just remember that everything is beautiful, and you're beautiful, whoever you are.
...Yeah, I'm done.
Standingonbrokenglass Standingonbrokenglass
13-15, F
Feb 28, 2012