For Me, Complete Happiness Is a Foreign Feeling...

I can't feel completely and utterly happy ever. I always have this emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I'll feel somewhat happy once in a while, but the depressed feeling comes back before I even have a chance to enjoy it. I'm not sure why I can't be completely happy. Maybe I'm not letting myself be happy. Maybe I'm always searching for something to bring me back down. I know I listen to depressing music or read books on suicide, but that's because I can relate to the lyrics or characters. I remember reading a part of the book, "Veronika Decides to Die," to my boyfriend. It was about Veronika hating life because it was redundant, boring, and predictable. She believed that life wasn't worth it. After all, what is the point of life? There isn't a point. Life is full of stressors, deadlines, responsibilities, and chaos. The negative certainly outweighs the positive. After rambling this off to my boyfriend, he just stared at me with this confused look on his face. Keep in mind, my boyfriend is never depressed! He's one of the happiest people you'll ever meet! Sure he stresses out or gets upset sometimes, but he's so good at picking himself up off the ground. Anyway, he asked me if I really thought that life wasn't worth it. Then, he said he would feel depressed all the time too if he read such depressing books! He told me not to think so negatively. I think that might be a reason why I'm never completely happy. I always find something wrong or something to frown about. It's like a disease. I'll accomplish something, but then I'll look too far ahead, seeing all the other responsibilities I haven't yet completed. I'll just get forced back down again. Or, perhaps I search for these depressing songs, movies, and books because I'm truly, mentally depressed. I need something or someone to relate to since I feel out of place among all these happy-go-lucky people. It a chicken and egg situation. Which came first? I guess I'll never know...
CremedelaCreme CremedelaCreme
18-21, F
6 Responses Jun 3, 2007

I had it all,not once but twice and lost it.I never was really happy,I'm becoming to realise that my unhappiness came mostly from fear of failure.

That is exactly how I feel... Weird.

storys like this really touches me

Quaere, what is true happiness? Feeling depressed is never easy, but surely one always have some "happier" moments; so if one could make these "happier" moments feel like "the happiest" moments, then isn't one much happier then? So be optimistic and enjoy all occasions of happiness; soon you'll get rid of some of the depression. . Btw, other animals precedent to chickens could lay eggs :P No, but biologically speaking (hate biology... ) it is impossible to affirm the boundary of the biological property chicken chickens. NVM.... .. I wish you good luck in finding your happiness; and I know in my heart that one day soon you will succeed! =)

I have been diagnosed with Depression, so i really understand how you feel when you are feeling down. Erica has a good point. There is a song, that is a bit sad, but for some reason always soothes me, no matter what mood i am in, it's on YouTube, It's by The Fray and it's called, *How to save a Life* i like the original and the Grey's Anantomy version. Anyway although it is somewhat sad, it is a song that i find very soothing, so you might enjoy checking it out. The other thing that i try to do, which is something Oprah suggested YEARS ago on her show, is to keep a gratitude journal, THIS may sound really silly but it FORCES you to remind yourself of the GOOD things you have in your life, apparently even Oprah does this every day. So you MIGHT want to try this as well, keep a journal by your bed, and EVERY morning (or as often as possible, until it becomes a habit) as soon as you wake up write down just 5 things that you are grateful for, it starts to force your mind to see the positive, at the beginning it can actually be very hard at times to think of five things but if you keep going with it, your mind literally, without you even realizing it starts to LOOK for things to be grateful for. Anyway those are just 2 things that get me through some hard days, maybe they might help you. Good Luck!!

Sometimes an upbeat attitude is the first step to being happy. Even if you don't feel it, fake it. I know I have had to fake it several times, but trying to look for the positive in things always creates a better day for me than dwelling on the negative. Hope you can find your path to happiness!