Is It Just The Ups And Downs Of Life Or Is Something Wrong With Me?

I don't know where to begin really, I could list my whole life and explain away things but the situation for me at the moment is simply that I've met such an amazing women and been with her for roughly 5 months now. I love her completly and I know she loves me. This is a big deal for me because I'd never believed that anyone had loved me in the past, or if they said it, I'd never 'felt' love from someone in a relationship.

The thing is I love her so much and am so happy being with her and around her that I can't bare the thought of ever being without her. I've become possessive and I hate being this way, I keep making issues of things that really should not be.

Other times, I've never been so happy in my life, I feel so happy when with her and its like nothing I've felt before.

So far so good, sounds like a pretty full-on emotional but loving relationship?

Well I've always felt the highs and lows in life more than what I percieve that over people do, and I am one of these strange men who actually have feelings, emotions, sometimes I curse myself for it. But it is who I am. I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me, like I have a screw lose because of how I feel so strongly in either direction and am hardly ever 'settled'.

I had such a good evening with my girlfriend last night, so happy to just be with her and to sit in each others arms cuddled up nice and tightly. Today the smallest thing happened and I was so unhappy I felt like just giving up, but afterwards it felt like what happened wasn't of consequence (hence haven't detailed here), but it was just a trigger to making me feel completely unhappy again in myself, my life.

It's like whenever someone really good happens, if I have a really good feeling of happiness, I almost expect a massive feeling of unhappiness or sadness within the next couple of days. I just don't know how to cope anymore, sometimes I wish I could go back to being 'numb' again like I was in my last relationship. I've gone from having no emotion for years to having extremes and the more it goes on, the more I'm pushing away the one that I love. All the time I am like this I feel like I am pushing the one away that I love and I hate myself for it, I can't help myself and the situation as I can't change who I am as a person. I end up going in some downward spiral and have done for the last few weeks.

I'm so messed up I can't think straight and I wonder if I need professional help. I looked into reading about bipolar and there are some similarities in the way my life appears to operate. I go from feeling completely confident, happy, complete and happy to feeling insecure, lonely and depressed. My mind never rests and the only time I feel 'normal' is if my mind is completely occupied with something else (EG work, videogames, movies, singing to music , song writing etc...).

I found this site though typing into google 'why am I never happy?' and have just used this as a way to see if anyone else has gone through or is going through this. I just wonder if I need help sometimes, sometimes I just feel like I can't cope anymore.
gazado gazado
1 Response Nov 24, 2010

Now that I have had a lay down, I feel a bit more refreshed and level headed. I think also because I have now finally got this out of my system and actually written it all out I might be able to confront these feelings. I've been like this for a long time, the main situation or cycle I go through is that if I have a really happy day I know that in the next 2-3 days I will have a massively low bout.<br />
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In contrast if I have a really sad day I know I will have a really happy time of it in the next couple of days. I sometimes wonder if this is just the normal ups and downs in life, or if because I have got so used to this happening to me, if my anticipation of the high or the low is what moves my mentality towards that disposition.<br />
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What I do now know though is that having come out with this problem that has been there for so many years, I think I'll finally at last be able to talk to someone in my own life. I've finally met someone I love completly who I can talk to about things and not feel like an idiot so that will hopefully help me out somewhat.<br />
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In time if that doesn't help and I still find myself not being able to operate on a regular basis (sometimes my lows stop me being able to work and I just turn into a wreck for no reason). I get things in my head that make me sad, which then repeat in this kind of downward spiral I find almost impossible to get out of until I hit bottom.<br />
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Thanks again for the reply, I'll certainly look at a psychiatrist in the future if it continues any longer. I just feel like I can't cope anymore on a regular basis (not all the time, but regular enough to effect my everyday life). I've never had to accept help before like that which I think will be a big hurdle to overcome due to my pride... not sure if that is a good or a bad thing though...