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No Matter What, I Am Never Happy

It doesn't matter what I do, where I go, or where life takes me ... I am never happy. What else is there to say? Nothing is ever quite right or good enough for me, including myself. There's always something wrong with my job, my house, my friends, my religion, my finances, my yard, my health, etc. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, and I spend ALL of my time trying to get to the other side.

The best example of this in my life is work. I leave one job for another thinking, "Finally I've arrived!" only to find out that I haven't arrived. I've just crossed over to another pasture that looked greener but really wasn't. In fact it turned out to be a little less green. It's funny how things look so much different from the other side of the fence. So now I've been at my new job for just 5 months, and I'm ready to move on again. Things at this job are pretty bad compared to my last job. At my last job I felt underpaid and disrespected. At this job I feel like I'm paid well, but I feel like management cares nothing about me. My happiness shouldn't be based completely on external things I know, but I've always looked for the perfect job that will give me a foundation from which I can truly live my life, achieve career goals, etc. With the last few job experiences I've had, I feel just plain stuck. I'm a worker bee who is used to get work done. Why do I expect more from my employer? Why do I expect them to give a damn about me? Why do I expect to feel respected and cared about? Why do I base my happiness on my job and my employer's attitude towards me?

That's just one example, but it's probably the biggest one in my life. I wish I could feel differently, I really do, but I feel like this way of living and thinking has been programmed into me since I was a child. In my experience it's very difficult if not near impossible to undo 40 years of programming.

So what's next? Do I keep looking for another job? Do I once again keep telling myself over and over that I need to learn to accept life (and my job) as it is while never really believing it? I have no idea. It's a vicious circle, and I wish I could get the hell off.
ConstantBattle ConstantBattle 36-40 7 Responses Apr 11, 2011

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I know how you feel. The whole " the grass seems greener on the other side". It happens to me all the time .

It's weird hearing someone describe exactly how I'm feeling, it's good to know I'm not alone

This existential nightmare of yours isn't uncommon. I was raised in a narcissistic family where my father felt exactly as you do. nothing was ever enough no matter how much it was. he never got enough respect or money or fulfillment in general. Material things piled up all over the place and he still couldn't fill the void. He was like a bottomless pit of need because he was always looking for external affirmation. It took me 20 year in and out of therapy to undo that mess, and I'm still recovering. There will never, ever be enough of anything in your mindset. Movie stars often say the same damn things... "I have all the money and the fame, but no perfect love!" Rock stars keep touring to stay out of rehab. For some the external fuel sources are what keep them going, but it's never enough to keep pace with the inevitable emptiness. You have to find a way inward. Life will never give you everything, and when you think you've finally reached that imaginary Nirvana, you're in your 50's rather than your 20's. There's always something. Nobody gets an unlimited pass. And, by the way, life never really hands anyone anything without exacting a heavy price. Most have to earn the respect and dignity we demand of others. No wonder i never worked very long for anyone but myself.

I am in the same position as you...its driving me crazy. I feel so depressed like I am never going to find that thing that makes me happy. Mine is mostly my job but there are other things too. The only thing that does make me happy is my hubby and my daughter but I can;t be with them all the time unfortunately.

Good luck and I hope we both find what we are looking for!!
SB

iNtuitiveFEeling, You are awesome in your explanation. I am the same way

You're not wrong at all to expect respect and caring from your employers/coworkers. The fact is, they're also human beings, just like you. There's no real excuse for being treated like a machine when you're not one. Please don't give up hope. Don't get bitter. Keep trying to find something that suits you and don't blame yourself for having expectations.

If you are anywhere as neurologically vigilant as I am, than life gets to you more intensely. You expect more because you care more. You seek a harmonious life free of cognitive dissonance.

However, we inhabit an inhospitable world where few people care or listen. Your perplexity and pain are legitimate.

I love the way that you wrote this and it hit home with me immediately!