Can't think of a time in my life when I've been happy and I'm 21. I am average looking, fairly quite but paranoid in front people who are popular or better looking then me especially girls. Sad I know. I have tried to be different on nights out or at work, college etc in hopes that I might feel happier but it only makes it worse. I think my main problem is I never really try at anything 100% possibly because I'm scared of failing, more likely because I don't think it matters on a larger scale which is why I'm unlikely to do much good in my life. I have good friends and family and wouldn't wish anything bad to happen to them and if it did I have and would help them again if needed, but I don't really like them much. Weird feeling I know. I think to myself if things get worse to just go ahead and kill myself but I don't dwell on it, just thoughts, in my nature kind of thing don't worry. I do actively try and pursuit happiness and eclipse these thoughts by literally forcing myself into different things, (hence me writing about my feelings for a change) and by being a better person overall. I just feel as though I'm not making anyone's life better. Also might not get into uni for the 2nd year running so my own life's about to get a lot worse. Don't even know what I wanted to accomplish by writing this but enjoy. Or not.
sporadicdark sporadicdark
26-30, M
Aug 16, 2014