Scared

Hi, I had to be strong to put my story together. Jayde is not my real name. I am from Pacific Islands. I am a single mother with one child. I am in my early 40's. This is my story..

I have been through so much in life no one has ever imagine. When I was 19 years I was date raped, I fell pregnant. becoming a single mom at 20. When I was 22 years I met someone a much older man than I, Mr M was a white 52 elderly aged man from overseas. I introduced him to my son and family. We courted for 6 years. I lived with Mr M for some time in overseas and also around the Pacific. I loved Mr M with all my heart, for 6 years we were in a de-facto relationship. I fell pregnant to my second child with Mr M. I was so happy inside telling myself this is it. Once and for all I will have my own family what I usually dreamt off. I broke him the good news but he was cold and bitter saying "I am too old to have children" I have passed my age. If you want to keep the baby it's totally up to you and your choice. But I have nothing to do with it. I was devastated He pressured me so much and convinced me to having an abortion which I did. I love the baby I was carrying after the abortion it affected me so badly that I ended up in hospital suffering from depression and anxiety. After 5 and half years of our de-factor relationship Mr M told me he could not be with me anymore because he could not father my son. He started sleeping separately, he distance himself from me this was going on for months. I cried myself night after night questioning myself what I did wrong to deserve the cold silent treatment. I could not take the torture and told myself what am I putting up with this. I told him I was leaving and returning back to the Pacific Islands which I did eventually. It was difficult for me to leave but I had to return to my son back at home. I loved Mr M with all my heart. I did my very best to save my relationship and I was not just his defector partner but more like a wife to him.

Leaving overseas and returning to Pacific Islands in 1999. I was broken hearted, suffering from depression and anxiety. I started consuming alcohol heavily.Thinking that this will help me overcome my problems. But it did not. I met Mr R my colleague at work. Mr R was always there he offered me a shoulder to cry on and was always there to hear me when I was down. We were so close. It took me years and months to overcome my breakup. In 2001 I married Mr R. My marriage lasted 5 years - It was a rebound - I was not completely healed from my past breakup. Divorced in 2005. I moved on with my life...

In 2008 I was involved with a sweet man Mr D, who was totally different. I shared him my past and he and told him that I am not prepared to get involved in another relationship it was too much for me. He assured me and promised me that he would not let me go and will standby me whatever situation we go through in life he will always be there. All went so smoothly. We stayed together over and year and months went by. One day Mr D went to work and that morning I received a call from a woman saying the man you living with is my husband and he is HIV positive. I slammed the phone down and said to myself this isn't for real, it can't be. I pinched myself saying this is not real, I cried shaking with terror and breaking in cold sweat...I waited for him to return that evening but he never returned. I knew that his wife has informed me that she has already contacted me and revealed the truth. I did not see over a year. One day I received a call from him. He said, I am admitted in the hospital please can you come and visit me? I was mad and angry at myself for trusting him. I did not and could not visit him. I was scared to see him in his state of life picturing him lying there skinny and gaunt looking. He was dying of full blown AIDS. Few months went by he passed away. I was lost and confused knowing that I had unprotected sex with him for sometime. Mr D was selfish. Later after the burial his wife told me that he was tested he knew he was sick but he went sleeping around having unprotected sex to spread this killer disease. How can someone in the their state of mind do this...

Now I am all alone. I am showing signs of the disease. Hot flushes, moulds in my tongue, sores on and off, weight loss, head aches, tiredness, fatigue, dizziness. I am going through tests. Its still showing negative. This week is my next test. I have come to accept the result if it is positive. I will go on with my life just like any other normal person.

I have always said that bad luck followed me from day one I was born. I need friends with positive thinking. This is my story...feel free to write to me..
Jayde6 Jayde6
36-40, F
Jan 5, 2013