Not Sure...

I spoke to a clergy member who said if perhaps I journaled that it would be helpful to me... being a guy to start off with talking about feelings is difficult... this is somewhat an extension to the original idea - perhaps something I say will have meaning for another person... Essentially I could not change fast enough - it would take a miracle for our paths to intersect again - we have two children together 3 1/2 and 5 1/2 - seems that nobody breaks up with kids these ages - maybe I'm wrong - lots of history - both of us were abused in different ways growing up - I think that is eventually what did us in... I was so afraid that it wouldn't work when it started unravelling... I have various problems - lack of sleep tonight led me here - figured there must be something on the net...

I can 'cope' cuz of the kids - who knows where I would be without them but its a link to an unviable past ... maybe it changes when you get into another relationship... it had been over 8 years in total... 6 years this year for marriage...

Maybe there is a local support group or something but its a small community... maybe not...

Anyways - babbling - getting more sleepy again - maybe this will lead to some interesting connections and common experiences
Liminalghost Liminalghost
41-45, M
10 Responses May 23, 2010

Some people asked for an update - my health took a toll mixture of health and breakneck lifestyle I guess but seemingly a little bit more balanced... maybe if I focus enough I'll see the best path to take - thanks for all of your support out there...

I feel your pain, brother. You said two things that hit home for me. "Essentially I could not change fast enough" and "both of us were abused in different ways growing up".I've spent the last year and a half searching for answers and realized I had made all the wrong mistakes. Most importantly, I learned that there were powerful forces at work behind the scenes and that they can be conquered with mutual compassion and understanding. My journaling eventually led me to write a book.<br />
You need to focus on being the best you can be. It's the only way out.

Easier is relative... I have younger children so I could not really totally break down but admittedly I've had my moments here and there... Eventually they say time goes by and heals all wounds... Every situation is different granted but hopefully its like the song goes "you can't always get what you want... but you get what you need"

Im having such a hard time with this but it's good to know that eventually it gets a little bit easier. thank you

The continuation to the story seems 'soap operish' but I'll try... we got back together in September 2010 only to separate again in June 2011. So here we are in November 2011 - we stayed in the same house with me in the ba<x>sement and she on the main floor. Now its being suggested to me that we should try an nontraditional marriage as one of the issues had been intimacy. I haven't really pursued the suggestion of just finding someone else for intimacy - it doesn't really make sense. My spouse is headed into counseling in the new year though. Anyways - wanted to comment that despite the examples - I can say that I'm a different type of guy. Anyways, I hope it all worked out for the best.

married 38 yrs ond child in college he decided he was done no counseling etc found him living with another woman..I am lost..can't seem to get a grip. I have not worked in 10 11 yrs.. we adopted our dau as a newborn Iand was a stay at home mom which I will never regret. When she was in grade school I went back to part time jobs. no one seems to get it...why now HE decides to leave? we even looked at places to retire to in 2009 in florida. I guess he made his coices to cheat on me but I'm the one left alone. it hurts so bad I have every emotion going on and one day think I will fight him in court and next I know we the assets will work out since HE WANTS out. how and when does a separated person get strong or when do they lay down and die? I have always been a syooirt fir gus career, He was always the socializer..of course when there was a party he'd be drinking and didn't know when to quit. With healthy issues I wouldn't drink and so would sit around at parties try to socialize but he was always worried about partying. Guess he found his other babe. It hurts and I don't feel like I fit anywhere. I go thru motions if I am invited to fundraisers etc but I just don't fit anymore. I am alone in the house for now. I can't even sleep in our bedroom.

I appreciate everyone's comments. Its been an interesting couple of months but we ended up getting back together... still adjusting but it seems we are on our way again... please take care and thanks.

I can understand how you feel and am truly sorry that you are going through this. It is hard and takes time but it will make you stronger in the end. I wish you the best as you walk through this period of your life, and know that nothing is permanite. Eventally the pain and hurt you feel will be but a past experience that got you to bigger, better things. Your in my prayers.

I am so afraid of finally cutting ties with my husband after 24 years of marriage. I am so broken up about it but in my heart I think he really is done with our marriage. I am unemployed at the moment and looking for a job so I have so much time of my hands and I keep trying to revisit the situation and see how it all went so wrong and that we cannot communicate well. We have had many problems over the years and I always thought we would get through but then he met someone when we were separated last year even though he came back to me I don't think he totally committed to me again. I pushed and pushed until he came clean about still seeing her but I know this woman is not right for him they are not compatible other than a group they belong to. I just wish in my heart I knew what to really do. This is the most painful situation I have ever been in and I am praying day and night for the right decision but in my heart I feel so alone.

hi there...<br />
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I found a book which really helped me when I was going through the is called _Divorce and New Beginnings_. It has a lot of info about how to help children through the process and a lot of ideas about staying close to them when they don't live in your house. I wish my stbx would have read it as I requested and had done or would do some of those things for our daughter. Unfortunate for her that he doesn't bother.<br />
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Also, since you seem very upset by the idea of the separation and how the kids will handle it, I will tell you that I was a kid who grew up in a home where my parents were sexless and should have divorced when I was small...but they stayed together for the kids. My experience was one of always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I expected them to divorce at any time, and it created a lot of anxiety and depression in my life, especially because divorce seemed to be a hugely traumatic event that would ruin our lives and should be avoided at all costs. My father drank increasingly more (he was the refuser) and my mother became increasingly angry and bitter. They eventually divorced when i was in college when he left her for someone else.<br />
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So I know very well what the "stay together" route can be, and I chose differently. And I am proud of it. My daughter is doing great, and I...well most days are good. At least I can hope for a different life than what I had before.<br />
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Good luck to you. You will pull through. Just put some thought into how you will handle things and proceed with intention.