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Separated, Now What?

I separated from my husband about two and a half months ago.  We have three young children, ages 2, 4, and 6.  We have been together for 10 years.  During this time, he couldn't hold a job and neglected me emotionally and physically while he trolled the Internet for images to feed his so-called sexual fetish, which I consider to be an addiction.  His fetish is an attraction to female navels, and most of the time he was looking at and commenting on pictures of preteens and teenagers.  They were always clothed in bikinis and lingerie...no nudity, but it has completely destroyed our marriage.  Every night while he was on the computer, I laid in bed lonely and wondering why he didn't want me. He has two secret email accounts, one of which he says that he is a sixteen year old male.  He also has had several secret storage sheds where he has stored images.  I don't believe that he would ever cross the line, but I don't feel that his behavior is appropriate either.  He is getting ready to sign a contract for another teaching position, as we are both educators.  I feel in my heart that i should tell the school what he has been doing, but i also run the risk of never getting any kind of child support either.  I took him to therapy and a marriage retreat.  He'd behave for a little while, but I know that he was secretly doing this while I went to work (often at two jobs) while he spent the day on the computer, playing videogames, or watching television.  He showered maybe once per week and rarely ever lifted a finger to do anything around the house.  He is living in a hotel now and has only given me $100 the entire time he has been gone toward the support of our children.  He says that he doesn't want a divorce, but has taken no action to seek therapy or to try and improve our marriage.  He says that he just wants to work on improving himself. He goes to church with us every Sunday and says that he has always and will always love me.  I believe that he is still in denial and doesn't see the sexual issues as a real problem.  We have had sex less and less every year throughout our marriage.  In 2010, we have had sex only one time, but he couldn't maintain an erection, so it didn't really happen.  We average maybe 4-5 times per year. 


Should I continue to give him more time and just remain the loyal and devoted wife, but do my own thing?  If so, how long should i wait until i file the divorce papers?  Is there really any hope that this will ever get better, or am I just wasting more of my life with him?  If it weren't for the children who love and adore their father, I would have been gone a long time ago.  I can't stand living in limbo like this.  I think that this might be worse, because I don't know where things stand.  At least if a guy says he wants out, his message is clear. 
emptymarriage emptymarriage 31-35, F 5 Responses May 30, 2010

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When a woman loses respect and honor for her man she loses love, without the first 2 love cannot survive let alone grow . Making Love becomes Sex and then an obligation which leads to nothing !

I have been separated for 12months I am Soooooooo very happy I made the choice to finally leave and not look back. No I didn't have the issues you had but I could not stay in a loveless marriage any longer, it took me 3 years of trying to make it work and fix everything to decide to call it quits. Its has been a hard 12months but I am 99.5% happier and stress free now than I have ever been.



So make your choice and do it!

Dear emptymarriage...



Your story is so incredibly sad. I think your husband is suffering from serious emotional issues. There's lack of intimacy; emotional and sexual and an addiction to a fetish, which I don't think would be a problem IF he admired yours and maybe some women in magazines or something, but to constantly be online...and to say that he's a teenage boy...and to work with young students? He's got serious issues. And he's a father of 3! Jesus, he needs to get off his arse and earn money to take care of them. And here you are, working 2 jobs and worried about him. And he's a deadbeat dad on top of all of this? $100 bucks a week for 3 children to take care of? With all due respect, I think you and he need way more than Sunday church together. And I hope that things got better, but if they are still going on like this, Sweetie, you need to grab your kids and get out for good. Well, if you're in the house, then, at least get a divorce. You are technically in a sexless marriage, and I think it would benefit you to read some stories on EP in the I lve in a sexless marriage group.



Please look at the situation for what it really is...he needs help and you need a real husband.

This is all said with respect for your own good.



Good luck

I don't know what to say - I hope that things work out for you and you find someone that truly appreciates you. It seems my own story pales in comparison.

I'd say you've done far more than your share of trying to fix things.



The thing with the young girls. I'd tell some one. Start with a therapist, and see if they also think this is something that should be addressed more. Just think how you'd feel if in the future if he went to far, and you didn't say anything.



He's been gone 2 months and has offered basically nothing in return. He doesn't need to say he wants out, he already IS out. Do your self a favor and get a lawyer first. Get all the child support stuff in writing. I went thorugh this. I was seperated for 10 months, really divorced except for the signature, and we decided to try again. That's hasn't been overly successful. But we both ahd lawyers and all the paper work was done. Do it first! Just so you know in the state of Florida not having sex for over a year is grounds enough for divorce. At least that's what my lawyer told me.



Take care. I hope it all works out..

You have let this go too long. If you give him another chance you will be back here in 6 months because he has crossed the line. In his Defense like looking at teenagers and all ages really.



Is he smoking dobe while he is on the internet. This would affect his peckker.



Really he is using you, no body else would put up with him and that is the only reason he stays with you. In a way you are the reason he is like he is. The children do adore him of course he is playful, mellow, quiet and there.



Tell him to pack his bags he don't need theropy he need a kick in the nuts