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Why Can't I Be Infinitely Strong?

I used to be in a sexless "marriage" of sorts, was engaged and in relationship for 9 years - and I wrote my story there already. We separated a couple weeks ago. This is the story of what's happened since,

I separated out of impatience, out of a need to move forward to a better relationship (hopefully with her), out of anger and because I had needs that weren't being met. We weren't working on our issues, we were both running empty on love, our time together rarely made either of us happy. The concept was that by separating I can communicate just how horrible this problem is - and possibly catalyze change. Maybe without the daily pressure of me being unfulfilled and the guilt that comes with that - she will be able to work on her issues for her, instead of doing it for me. The day I left she expressed heartfelt desire for us to be together again, and pledged to change.

The two weeks that we've been apart have been the worst two weeks of my life. I miss her horribly, we are communicating even less. I can't concentrate on my work, I have this need to know what she is doing, it's obsessive and destructive. I've downloaded my pain on her via email once already because she isn't communicating what she's thought about how to move forward and I feel in limbo. I agreed not to tell our friends and family. I haven't changed my Facebook status, but it's now hidden.

We've been in a distance relationship for approximately a year while I attend school. I've got 9 months to go. I didn't spend time making friends - I studied, or went home to visit 3.5 hours away, or spent the weekends here with her. I'm a non-traditional student - at 33 taking classes with 21-23 yr. olds, the classes in electrical engineering are all 92% male. I've bought a couple new going out - outfits, went to the local club several times with my young friends. I've put up a match profile, and some new clothes. I've gone on one date already, and a second with a different girl tomorrow. I'm soo lonely - all I want is my love back, but after the hard hitting email - I haven't talked to her for nearly 3 days which have felt like an eternity.

I'm having such a hard time pushing us and her out of my mind. I'm reading the 5 languages of love now, and - the art of seduction at the same time... whether it's to bring her back or to capture some new girl, or just to make myself more aware of what's been happening - I don't know. I felt so much pain last night that my friends had to come over and just talk me to sleep at 4:30 am in the morning.

This is a hard thing to go through. If your relationship isn't working - buy a book like the 5 languages and make each other read it. I have to play games to get my love back, and wait the excruciatingly long time this all takes to process before even being able to talk to my best friend who doesn't want/can't speak to me, needs space, time etc..

I hate this separation - why couldn't I be stronger to stay, or stronger to push earlier, to pull myself out of the situation and use positive methods to get help.

That's my story. I'm hurting more than I can bear and I blame us both, but can't do anything about it... the more I push, the more she pulls away and leaves me.
hopefulforchange hopefulforchange 31-35, M Mar 28, 2011

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