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Emotional Roller Coaster - Pulled & Pushed

After just over 5 months of separation, I still find myself at times in deep despair - looking for a way to purge the pain from within. Tears that pour down my face during those times seem to help rid some of the paralyzing pain. I feel better for a moment, a day or even sometimes a couple of days, but the waves of pain come back with even more intense vengeance. I still try to be loving and kind to her, but am afraid of the pain of rejection and nothing in return - just like the absence of love that existed for 21 years.

Her insecurity toward me, stemming from some type of hurt in her life that I could not reach with anything I tried to do to love her, could never be healed. I studied her, and loved her in her primary love languages...but things just never changed. I exhausted myself trying to squelch her insecurities, in hope that her emotional abusiveness would stop and she would be able to see me for the man I wanted to be for her. She saw me as the enemy, and that injustice angered me. I questioned so many times, how she could possibly view me this way. I am eternally hers and am here to love her, but I was always a threat…always. I gave and gave, and never received a drop of love in appreciation but instead her wrath for what her illusion told her inside. I cherished her like a rose... I gave her water, sunshine and tenderness & care. I propped her pedals up when they drooped.

Then when I collapsed due a traumatic event in 2001 (long long story – at work – lost a test pilot friend in an aircraft accident that was due to a mistake that I made in the design of the plane) – my wife left me in the darkest time of my life…she proved to me that she didn’t ever have the capacity to love me. She filed divorce...and separated for 2 years...and the end date was in sight. After trying to work things out with her for months and months, I finally moved on and met someone who gave herself to me in a way that I had never experienced before. In retrospect, I do believe that she WAS my soul mate. After several months, what I thought was my soon to be ex-wife, went ballistic when she discovered my new found love. Then, and only then she desperately sought to come back to contacting our pastor, whom she had rejected for 2 years when he sought her. Her attorney called our friends from church and our pastor – members of a cult – right in the courtroom.

Our pastor then counseled me to leave my true love...the one who loved me unconditionally and was never threatened by my ex's woes. She listened and cared for me. She loved me...simple as that. She was there for me when I needed someone. She walked me through to the other side of pain. I thought and thought, and wrestled for days, but finally concluded that I wanted my family reunited again.

After a couple of weeks, I told my love that I had to try again, and told her I was so sorry. I cried for days, but had to release her so that I could return to my first love. I hurt her deeply; adding on top of the pain that she had from her ex who she found had been having homo-sexual relations a couple years prior. Imagine that! I felt so guilty. I let her down. I crushed her soul. She gave herself to me. But she was so loving even cared for him...after that kind of betrayal. Think about that kind of love. Wow. In the end, I assured her how much I cared for her and thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world, inside and out…and that I was torn at my deepest part of my soul. How could I do that?…but I had too…I had to give it another try. I loved my wife and my kids and wanted that fairy tale ending for a marriage restored. After all, isn’t that the right thing to do?

I went to counseling with my wife for 2-3 months… and then took her back in to our home, even without a heartfelt repentance from her for how she hurt and left me during the time of my greatest need. And how ironic, I spent my energies apologizing TO HER for moving on to a new relationship – even though she left me and filed divorce and never wanted me back. I should have known…. Oh, I should have known then, but I was desperate to have my family back in tact. I let her move back in Dec of 2004.

Sadly, from that point forward I was never able to regain trust in her. I couldn’t open my heart back to her. I was angry and hurt and didn’t know how to bridge with her – even worse than before. She didn’t love me, and it became more and more apparent with time. She could never love me. Oh sure she cooked dinners – at least frozen ones, and washed my clothes – wrinkled ones, but she couldn’t LOVE me as a person, let alone as her husband. I gave all to her, but nothing ever ever ever could be shared back to keep our love engine going. …not one whisper of appreciation for who I was to her and our family. I worked so hard. I was active in every corner of our children’s lives – never vacant, never too busy. I sacrificed my career to give to her and my kids.

Our relationship evolved in nothing more that a roommate arrangement. I isolated inward more and more and more. I never was able to find myself enough to actively love her any more. I loved her with everything I had before we separated. I believed that the more I loved her back then, the more abusive she became to me…. So that must not be the answer. I waited for her to love me. I was wrong there… What was I waiting for? She denied me more in more in bed. I felt horrible. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I noticed in her work office that there were no pictures of me. I noticed in her Facebook that there was never any references about me…and never any pictures of me. I noticed that she used her maiden name. What was that for. “Oh, everyone does that” I was told. But wasn’t it to troll for long lost loves? I thought so. It angered me.

Finally, in September I made a turn to online *********** to feel some kind of self worth and place to fulfill my need. What a mistake. I don’t know why I did that, but I did! She found out, and that was the end. Along with another new friend of hers within my kid’s Christian school. Together with her, they orchestrated a plan… I was called in the middle school principal’s office on a Sunday afternoon… he told me that he wanted my help on something. I went, and found my wife, the principal, and a psychologist parent at the school. The principal turned to my wife to explain why we were there…and she said she waned a divorce because she had found my references to online ****. Then she asked me if I would move out. The principal asked me to step down from the basketball coach position at the school. That day she took our kids and moved out. After two weeks of searching for a place to live, I moved out to give her and our kids stability and their home to live in… I felt so shameful – and still do.

I have done everything I can to try to restore this marriage… AGAIN. So many details – too many to write. Suffice it to say, I have run the race… and I am at my end. I can’t go much longer. God please help me. I have no more to offer… yet she rails and rails and rails, and expects me to climb into a hole and die in shame. I’ve repented to her a hundred or more times…but nothing reaches her soul. It was all my fault. I plunged the cold knife into her heart with the idea that an online fantasy could replace her. But she didn’t want me… right?
Passionateheartman Passionateheartman 46-50, M 11 Responses Mar 27, 2012

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That made me cry as I kniw the things you have gone through with your wife as I have my husband. Where u try so hard to fight and fight but get more and more bitter. The relationship is killing u but u dont want to lose them. I have recently separated from my husband who is an addict. He has run us into the ground financially where I now have to sell the home. And somehow he still blames me for his actions. I thought god had wanted him just for me I have tried and prayed and now im completely burnt out I failed my last 3 months of university because he made life so hard. Ive had a brealdown and lost my job and although i have to sell the house and can no longer be there with him and he had cut me off for yelling at him because he hasnt paid a cent towards anything in 6 months leaving me with barely any money, I still have some sort of hope. I dont want anyone else I cant see a life past us but i know i need to move on.i know its hard for u u just need to take it one day at a time.


Take one day at a time and certainly reach out to your closest friends to help you stay afloat during your very difficult situation. You will see light in time. Hugs to you. -D

Wow... my heart feels extremely
heavy after reading this. There's a lot in your story that I can relate. I hope through your journey you have learned that your EX cannot hurt you unless you allow her. There is nothing shameful about being a sexual being. You cannot change her but you can change how you choose to react or not react. I've been divorced for four years and he's still playing bullshit games. I wish you luck and strength. :)

Thank you for taking the time to read my experience. I had to go back and re-read it myself. It has been a long road to date, but it is refreshing to know how much better I feel nowadays. I realize that I can't change her... I felt for many years that I could convince her that I was safe to love and be vulnerable with... That is normal...That is what a relationship is...trying to grow together. To this day, I’ll never understand why that just wasn't possible...and why she was unwilling and unable to open her heart. very sad...very very sad...especially for our kids. Life goes forward, to reach the other side of the rainbow :-)

What an awful woman. Calling you into the principals office over your sexuality-the only outlet you had-- like a child!<br />
<br />
Hope you've healed somewhat from the abuse 'your love' heaped upon you. My thought is that youre better off, by far, without her,

You are right. It took me a while to arrive back at a sound judgement point. But thank God I've managed to crawl back to a safe haven, a place of sanity, a place where my heart can love and be loved again. Thank you... Very sweet!

very sad for you ,u tried so hard and it seems that she did not appreciate you and the way u looked out for her ,u deserve a loving caring woman to be part of your life and i feel that there are many that would be lucky if you came into there life , i am going thru a seperation after 13 years of marrige and my husband treated me like crap , betrayed my trust loied and lots more you seem like such a good man ...

Thank you sorry about your hurtful situation. I hope that you can find a place of solace and experience peace in the midst of your deep pain. Please feel free to to reach out, as I would be glad to come along side of you to encourage &amp; support you.

Forgive, but NEVER forget. Socios and Narcissist NEVER change. She'll be back, once she is bored toying with the others in her life. Most Socio/Nar"s have multiple relationships going on all at once. Via emails or texting, perhaps at work or even elsewhere. Be prepared. Once her other "toys" see her for who she really is, she'll target you again. She knows your weak points and knows how to push them. Don't speak with her unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. As in the case of the children. When she tries to "connect" in any other manner, ignore her. She's just checking your "wall of protection" for weak points. No contact with her. Pray. Believe and stay focused on healing and strengthening your faith. DO NOT fill that void in you with another persons attention. Don't be fooled by another persons "concern" for your well-being either. You've dumped your heart out on the table. That took courage, for sure. But best believe, there will be those that can see how to work your soft spots and become your "best friend" at your "lowest point". My ex read EVERYTHING about me on my FB profile, before I had made it "friends only". She knew me from all the post I had on there. She played me. And I gave her all the cards for the game she played. I was a victum, because I allowed myself to BE a victum. Protect yourself. And pray....let God lead you down your path. Avoid temptations. Many a holy man have been lead astray by false strong. Greive. Forgive and move on. But protect yourself. 1 in 25 people have socio/narc type mental issues. And they'll never admit to it, as they are never wrong. Please be safe....

Thanks Norman... I pray frequently, and am surrounded with family, friends and pastors who pray for me, my wife and my children regularly. NPD is a very scary disorder, but I have been trying to still love my wife, love my kids and give the rest over to God. I still dread the idea of a destroyed family and the ripple effect that it would have on our future generations. Ultimately the outcome is up to God. God may not restore my family, but I pray that whatever He is doing, he would protect me, my wife and kids from the destructive evils that are all around my family.

I can not image how you think that staying with this woman is good for your children. Given the abuse she heaps on you how can she model wifely love for your kids?

I don't think that anymore...I've managed to somehow come to understand how I arrived at such a bad place...and thanks to the love of my friends and family, I can see clearly once again. Thanks so much for your feedback.

you did everything you could to save the marriage. stop beating yourself up over what you cannot change, and look to the future. yes, you made mistakes, but you cannot change that now.let her go her own way. just let her go. it will do wonders for your own heart.<br />
i have been there.<br />

Learn to forgive her for who she is. She never set out to hurt you. It's just who she is. Her behavior is not healthy for you and would never alllow for a healthy relationship. Start your own healing process. Deal with your pain. Seek counselling if necessary. Do NOT hold yourself responsible for another persons actions. I just lost my fiance, or what I thought was my "every woman", not more then a week ago. See blames me. It was MY fault that I didn't want to buy a house that was WAY outside of what we could afford. Thusly, I let HER "no choice". By not buying the ONE house, she believed that I was not willing to move forward with our relationship. So she broke it off do to our "heading in different directions". I was blown away. This all happened within a weeks time. She has broken things off with me a total of four times. I have always taken her back. I am hoping she'll not return. As I asked for my ring back, I think she is too embarrassed to return. Sorry, got off track there. There are so many people out there that are willing, and very capable of, having a healthy, loving relationship. She might have been your "flower", but that flower was a rose. And ALL roses have thorns. Give yourself time to heal. Learn to forgive her and yourself. We are human after all and we all look for love. Be proud of who you are and accept what has happened has happened for a reason. 10 years from now, you'll be in the same type of relationship with her, as she'll never change. Life is too LONG to be in an unhealthy relationship. Both partners should benefit from it. There is someone out there for you. And when the time is right (you've healed and have moved on) then you'll be ready to devote yourself to someone that will appreciate you for who you are. And they'll accept your faults along with all your positives. We all make mistakes. We just have to learn from them and do what is the best for ourselves. If we aren't happy with who we are, then how can we make others in our lives happy? I'm not a therapist.....but I play one on TV. lol I'm broken hearted and am having severe mood swings. I start to cry and then I curse her name. It'll all pass. I'll get past who she is. I will learn to forgive her. But I have to accept things as they are. People like her don't change, for the most part. You deserve better. Write everything down on paper that you are feeling. Keep it to yourself. get some fresh air and some exercise. Keep your friends on "speed dial", the ones that are willing to listen to you, and lean on them. Friends are there to help us when we are down. As we'll be there for them when they are down. I'm so sorry for your pain. And it must feel like hell right now. Things will get better. You just have to give yourself time to heal. I wish you the best and I empathize with you. But I've learned a valuable lesson about myself. I can't depend on others to make me happy, when I'm not happy with who I am. And that's where I am. I'm working on healing and finding myself....again. Heck, I'm only 44. I guess better late then never. Time is on your side. Don't fill this void in your life with another "love". Get past these and then get back out there. Ok. I'm rambling now. Later!!

Thank you for your understanding... appreciate it. My love for her runs incredibly deep - that's what scares me. Can I ever get out of this mess, one way or another?

Of coarse you can. I WAS deeply in love with my ex-fiance. She was my World. My every thought was of her and her four kids. I never asked for anything in return, except for her love. I thought she loved me. But she kept breaking things off with me. I thought about killing myself at one point. But what a waste that would have been. I started to look at her and what she was doing, instead of looking at myself and wondering what I was doing wrong. She was so needy. She was so demanding of me and was asking so much of me and i got little in return. I was expected to do certain things or I "was gone" from the relationship. It was her way or no way. I recently did some searching on Wiki and found some interesting things about her personality. ICD-10 "sociopath". She had like 6 out of the seven characteristics that would label a person a sociopath. I got over her very quickly. I wasn't doing anything wrong, other then doing things for someone else. I wasn't looking out for myself and that's not healthy. You need to forgive yourself and move on. You're the source of your pain. Your future awaits you to come live it. Start living your life again. No one....and I mean NO ONE, is worth suffer this much for. You can do so much better for yourself. And love doesn't have to live forever. it can and does die. And being so dependant on another to make you happy isn't healthy either. You're going to be ok. You just need to forgive and forget. What's done is done. Live for now. Live for today and hope and plan for a better tomorrow. She is NOT the "one and only". Learn from your mistakes. Don't repeat them and find yourself and learn to live again.

You have done nothing to hurt her purposely. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone tries to fill the space that's left after a loved one leaves us. I have been though that and as much guilt as I feel, I remember I've been hurt also. It's not that we should take revenge, but that as humans we try to get attention and care from where we can get it. I wish you luck and please look forward onto the future. You seem like a sensitive and kind man with Christian values. Get new hobbies and see a therapist. Treat yourself and let the soul heal. I am here for you.

Thank you cleargerman. I am struggling so much over what to do. I love her very much, even after all this time and energy with nothing in return. How much longsuffering is too much? Just when I think I don't have any more, I realize that I've kept on... but for how much further?

I agree with the above comments and I am so very very sorry for your hurt.<br />
Your wife shows sociopathic trends. You cannot reach a sociopath. She knows how to play the games, turn it all around so that you look like the bad guy, at just the right time, when it's down to the divorce/custody issues. She will continue to manipulate you relentlessly. It's what sociopaths do.<br />
<br />
It is too late to change the past. Move forward in a way that can heal yourself. Make a plan, and set goals. It's the only way forward.

Your insight seems so true. I have been running in circles with her for 22 years...seriously. I feel so empty from never receiving love from her. I pray somehow that God will turn this around and allow me to sustain through this tough path and bring a blessing to all in my family.... That's my hope - I just hope I don't go too far and completely lose myself

D :) Stand in Your TRUTH. You were mismatched with a Narcissits personality. These ppl should never marry or have children. I just left Him after many years of "hanging in there also". You, we all gain strength from each other here; I hope we all find our Bliss...We Deserve It! I just started my 'Bliss List' which is way better than my old bucket list, lol... Planning my future, refusing to look back...

Even though this is true, I don't know of an option where the pain is any less than to sustain and hope for healing. Crazy I know, but somehow I still love her, and love my 5 children from her.

WOW!!! After reading this, I have new perspective on your situation. I've been giving you space to figure out what you felt was right and trying to just support you as a friend but I now see how toxic she is to you and how impossibkle it will be to salvage your marriage. It sounds to me like she has no intention of making things work and doesn't truly want you....she just doesn't want anyone else to have you either. She seems hell bent on your misery and totally against anythign that makes you happy. I think you should push the divorce proceedigns forward and try to move on. Push for as much rights with your kids as you possibly can and don't try to have anything more than civility with her (you'll be lucky to get that much). <br />
I think you should work on getting over her and moving on and don't let her dissuade you from beign with soemone that truly cares for you and wants you to be happy cuz YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND LOVED!!! I know how difficult this is but you will lose yourself if you continue trying to fix everything. You will slowly die inside until there's nothing of you left for your kids.

Thanks Diana... I am trying so hard to hold on and see a way forward and seek after it. The roads seem blocked or washed away and I can't see more than 5 feet in front of me - but somehow I keep moving forward - in some direction, I don't know where. I just hope I don't collapse along the process. I pray that God gives me more strength to sustain.