Emotional Roller Coaster - Pulled & PushedAfter just over 5 months of separation, I still find myself at times in deep despair - looking for a way to purge the pain from within. Tears that pour down my face during those times seem to help rid some of the paralyzing pain. I feel better for a moment, a day or even sometimes a couple of days, but the waves of pain come back with even more intense vengeance. I still try to be loving and kind to her, but am afraid of the pain of rejection and nothing in return - just like the absence of love that existed for 21 years.
Her insecurity toward me, stemming from some type of hurt in her life that I could not reach with anything I tried to do to love her, could never be healed. I studied her, and loved her in her primary love languages...but things just never changed. I exhausted myself trying to squelch her insecurities, in hope that her emotional abusiveness would stop and she would be able to see me for the man I wanted to be for her. She saw me as the enemy, and that injustice angered me. I questioned so many times, how she could possibly view me this way. I am eternally hers and am here to love her, but I was always a threat…always. I gave and gave, and never received a drop of love in return...no appreciation but instead her wrath for what her illusion told her inside. I cherished her like a rose... I gave her water, sunshine and tenderness & care. I propped her pedals up when they drooped.
Then when I collapsed due a traumatic event in 2001 (long long story – at work – lost a test pilot friend in an aircraft accident that was due to a mistake that I made in the design of the plane) – my wife left me in the darkest time of my life…she proved to me that she didn’t ever have the capacity to love me. She filed divorce...and separated for 2 years...and the end date was in sight. After trying to work things out with her for months and months, I finally moved on and met someone who gave herself to me in a way that I had never experienced before. In retrospect, I do believe that she WAS my soul mate. After several months, what I thought was my soon to be ex-wife, went ballistic when she discovered my new found love. Then, and only then she desperately sought to come back to me...by contacting our pastor, whom she had rejected for 2 years when he sought her. Her attorney called our friends from church and our pastor – members of a cult – right in the courtroom.
Our pastor then counseled me to leave my true love...the one who loved me unconditionally and was never threatened by my ex's woes. She listened and cared for me. She loved me...simple as that. She was there for me when I needed someone. She walked me through to the other side of pain. I thought and thought, and wrestled for days, but finally concluded that I wanted my family reunited again.
After a couple of weeks, I told my love that I had to try again, and told her I was so sorry. I cried for days, but had to release her so that I could return to my first love. I hurt her deeply; adding on top of the pain that she had from her ex who she found had been having homo-sexual relations a couple years prior. Imagine that! I felt so guilty. I let her down. I crushed her soul. She gave herself to me. But she was so loving even cared for him...after that kind of betrayal. Think about that kind of love. Wow. In the end, I assured her how much I cared for her and thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world, inside and out…and that I was torn at my deepest part of my soul. How could I do that?…but I had too…I had to give it another try. I loved my wife and my kids and wanted that fairy tale ending for a marriage restored. After all, isn’t that the right thing to do?
I went to counseling with my wife for 2-3 months… and then took her back in to our home, even without a heartfelt repentance from her for how she hurt and left me during the time of my greatest need. And how ironic, I spent my energies apologizing TO HER for moving on to a new relationship – even though she left me and filed divorce and never wanted me back. I should have known…. Oh, I should have known then, but I was desperate to have my family back in tact. I let her move back in Dec of 2004.
Sadly, from that point forward I was never able to regain trust in her. I couldn’t open my heart back to her. I was angry and hurt and didn’t know how to bridge with her – even worse than before. She didn’t love me, and it became more and more apparent with time. She could never love me. Oh sure she cooked dinners – at least frozen ones, and washed my clothes – wrinkled ones, but she couldn’t LOVE me as a person, let alone as her husband. I gave all to her, but nothing ever ever ever could be shared back to keep our love engine going. …not one whisper of appreciation for who I was to her and our family. I worked so hard. I was active in every corner of our children’s lives – never vacant, never too busy. I sacrificed my career to give to her and my kids.
Our relationship evolved in nothing more that a roommate arrangement. I isolated inward more and more and more. I never was able to find myself enough to actively love her any more. I loved her with everything I had before we separated. I believed that the more I loved her back then, the more abusive she became to me…. So that must not be the answer. I waited for her to love me. I was wrong there… What was I waiting for? She denied me more in more in bed. I felt horrible. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I noticed in her work office that there were no pictures of me. I noticed in her Facebook that there was never any references about me…and never any pictures of me. I noticed that she used her maiden name. What was that for. “Oh, everyone does that” I was told. But wasn’t it to troll for long lost loves? I thought so. It angered me.
Finally, in September I made a turn to online *********** to feel some kind of self worth and place to fulfill my need. What a mistake. I don’t know why I did that, but I did! She found out, and that was the end. Along with another new friend of hers within my kid’s Christian school. Together with her, they orchestrated a plan… I was called in the middle school principal’s office on a Sunday afternoon… he told me that he wanted my help on something. I went, and found my wife, the principal, and a psychologist parent at the school. The principal turned to my wife to explain why we were there…and she said she waned a divorce because she had found my references to online ****. Then she asked me if I would move out. The principal asked me to step down from the basketball coach position at the school. That day she took our kids and moved out. After two weeks of searching for a place to live, I moved out to give her and our kids stability and their home to live in… I felt so shameful – and still do.
I have done everything I can to try to restore this marriage… AGAIN. So many details – too many to write. Suffice it to say, I have run the race… and I am at my end. I can’t go much longer. God please help me. I have no more to offer… yet she rails and rails and rails, and expects me to climb into a hole and die in shame. I’ve repented to her a hundred or more times…but nothing reaches her soul. It was all my fault. I plunged the cold knife into her heart with the idea that an online fantasy could replace her. But she didn’t want me… right?