Hurt, Shocked, Ashamed And Then Some....part 2I'm not even sure where to start. When this whole thing started, I never would have guessed in a million years that things could turn out the way that they have. Since I wrote the first chapter of this story, things have gotten progressively worse. My wife and I had a massive argument a few weeks ago now. We've never argued like that before, not even close. We were both screaming at each other and at one point it nearly got physical. I never thought I could ever be that angry and the woman I'd been married to for 11 years and had 4 children with. She was intent on doing whatever she felt like including talking to her online lover while I was in the house and even showing him our youngest daughter on the video chat. I was so mad that she was showing such a complete disregard for me and the safety of our kids and what made it worse is that she didn't care.
Fortunately, I was able to stop myself from doing something terrible and did not hurt her but the fact that I actually wanted to scared me. I've never hurt anyone. I've never thrown a single punch. I've never slapped anyone. Nothing! But I was ready to do these things to her and I was so ashamed of myself. I was in to see a Councillor two days later and will be seeing her for some time to make sure I understand what happened, how I was able to get to such a state and make sure that I never get there again. That is not the person I truly am and I did not like that there was even a small piece of me that could be that way for even a few moments. But I digress.
I tried to get her to leave. She was the one who wanted out of the marriage. She was the one who didn't want to be there and I even offered to buy her a ticket to go meet her online Mr. Wonderful. She wouldn't go without the kids though. She wants everything. Even though there's no possible way for her to be with him and have the kids, she still insists on having them all. Finally, I gave up and left. There was so much anger and utter hatred that no good would come from us being around each other that night.
Without getting into a bunch of gory details, she has charged me with assault as a result of the argument. She says that's she's done it only to protect herself and that she thinks I am capable of coming across town to hurt her. It's incredible that she thinks that I am that person. One bad argument, where no one got hurt, and I'm a monster. What's even more strange is that, while I'm so dangerous I needed to be charged, she has no problems coming over to drop off the kids for me to visit them and seems just fine to come inside while they get their shoes and coats on. Really? You're scared I will hurt you but you have no problems coming in for a minute or no problems with me being with our children without supervision? I'm baffled. I can't understand her even a little bit. I don't recognize who she is and have no idea what she is capable of now. At this point I'm afraid the police will come and get me because she will decide to accuse me of something else just to cause me more pain and problems.
Two months ago, we were curled up in bed together. We had just made love, were wrapped up in each others arms and so happy and in love. At least I was. Now today I'm an accused criminal who is capable of beating women and so full of rage that I will drive across town to do it? I don't know if I will ever understand what has happened these past few weeks and somehow I doubt she does or will either.
Fortunately, I've got some fantastic friends. They are letting me stay with them even when they have so much going on in their lives. Others are insisting I come over for meals and drinks and none of them want me to be alone. None of them understand how this can be happening and how my wife can be doing such horrible things to me. they've seen what kind of father I am. They've seen how I treated my wife all these years. They know what kind of man I am and how ridiculous all of this really is. They are the reason I'm surviving and still able to stay sane... well, almost sane.
Well, there is still so much more to say but it's so hard to write it. The wounds are so fresh and it hurts so much to think about all of this but in time I will cope and come to terms with all of this. And for the sake of my children, I will be the best person I can be. I will be the stable and supportive force in their lives and hopefully, when the dust settles, they will be with me and can have them in my life all the time.
The drama will continue I'm sure so there will be a part 3. thanks to those that read this but it sure feels good to write it and get things out. So many emotions and feelings, it's such a relief to let them out here.
Until next time
Willnedw 31-35, M 1 Response 1 May 5, 2012