Still Struggling...

I'm told i'm still in the first stage of grieving but Its 6 months for me, and its days like this that remind me just how much i am still struggling. I have long since admitted to myself our break-up ( after 18 years) was my fault, my ill-conceived one night stand 6 years ago was like a terminal cancer that ate away at my marriage. Stupidly I had hoped we could move on but the damage was done and despite her best efforts, she never could forgive me. Eighteen months ago she asked me to go, but it took another 12 months of increasingly bitter fighting before i resigned myself to leaving, not for her or my sake but for our two children ( girls 7 and 15). We reached a pretty amicable arrangement where she enjoys my full financial support in return for unrestricted access to the children so accordingly I took a nearby flat.

I had hoped that by now i could have started to move on, but i haven't, seeing the kids today reminds me of just what i've lost. She on the other hand is flourishing, she has rebuilt her social life, looks great and is excelling in the role as the main carer for the kids. I suppose i should be happy that she is doing so well with the girls, outwardly at least they seem to have adjusted magnificently to me not being around. And yes of course i should be grateful at how i can see them when i want, I know some blokes go through hell just to get a hour with their children.Despite my apparent( ?) good fortune I find myself shrouded in a cloak of darkness which i just cannot shake off. No matter how much i throw myself into my work my days are spent wondering how they are?, what are they doing? are they safe? happy?, well? and as for the nights?, god how i hate them. I don't sleep or eat properly and rather than return to an empty flat to gaze at the 200+ photographs ( i don't jest), of my children i have pinned to my front room wall, i head straight to the pub after work. No matter how much i drink there i inevitably start on a bottle when i get home, but then again its not my home and never will be.

I have began to resent my wife and today for teh first time since the split i told her as much, I didn't want to but I couldn't help myself. You see her happiness ( and she is happy) has come at such a price to me...fear, anger, despair, jealousy, regret, guilt and loneliness are now my only companions. I believe she was genuinely sorry for my predicament but unrepentant ..she made perfect sense when she asked me '' are you suggesting we get back together because i feel sorry for you?''. I wanted to say yes, but of course i didn't and instead slammed the door shut and left without even saying goodbye to my children.

People tell me things will get better or after all you got what you deserved, but alone back in flat and surrounded by images of a life i know I must accept that i have lost, i've never felt lower and less inclined to believe the old saying ' tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all' ..Tennyson !! what a total gobshite you were.
JimmyWinston JimmyWinston
41-45, M
5 Responses May 13, 2012

Life is short friend... you turn around and things aren't what they once were.<br />
You made a mistake and now you can't undo what was done.<br />
10 years ago my family life was ripped appart, I would love to say things get easier but they don't you just learn to live with things. <br />
2 pieces of advice 1) as Sting said if you love someone truly love someone set them free. Only one thing you do will not make them happy, so if you love her do it. 2) Don't be bitter as it will eat you up, make you depressed, drink, yearn for the past you can never have back.<br />
The future? sounds like you have 2 kids who you love. They need a Dad.. it's time to 'man up' and decide what the future holds for you.<br />
This might help, you say you work a lot and work hard. So if you had stayed in the family your time with the kids would have been limited? as it is now. So think quality not quantity. When the kids are with you make it as though they were in Disneyland/Christmas/Best ever Birthday every second they are with you. You don't have to spend much just think how you can make their time with you special.<br />
My daughters now tell me how great it was to be at mine, I'd cook them their fave meals, have a pudding and a great DVD in the house... we'd go for country walks, the beach, playgrounds, go to see family... I'd hug them tight and tell them I loved them a million times. Told them where ever they went and what ever they did I'd always love them, be there for them and my home was their home.<br />
<br />
On a personal level? you'r using the pub and beer for the wrong reason. You won't find a new partner at the bottom of a pint glass and old soaks don't appeal to yummy mummies mate. The pub is for a night out with your mates, to watch football, to celebrate.... It isn't for a jar before you go home etc.... When the kids aren't with you focus on work, get fit, why not do a course to improve your job prospects?<br />
<br />
Life goes on and you will be happy again

I dropped my wife of 21years like a bad habit. We have 4 children. Never looked back and never happier. She was a professional victim and dragged everyone down with her. They children are fine with their own families now. There were some rough years but pretty soon your own life comes first. Just wait you will be so happy also.

I feel your pain my friend and hope things improve for you.

your pain and sadness is so apparent. you are clearly a wonderful father and i'm glad you are part of your children's life. hope you can rebuild your life.<br />

I am so so sorry for the depression you are enduring. You made a mistake and it has cost you dearly. I too was asked to leave my home 6 weeks ago by my live in boyfriend of 5 yrs. We were together for 9 yrs. There was no cheating or abuse or drugs on either end but we were a stepfamily and the fighting tore us apart. I feel that it brought out the worst in me and I behaved well below standard to the man I loved more than anything. One day I asked him "honey what's wrong?"...he said nothing 2 times before I encouraged him to please talk to me directly, as he does not like to communicate things that might hurt people. He finely stated "i'm not happy and I don't want to be in this relationship anymore". A searing pain tore through my heart because the look on his face told me he was quite serious. I was so shocked because we recently booked the same vacation time for the summer and made plans to do alot of boating together. We had been going out to dinner, cuddling and making love as usual. I think he was just going through the motions of being with someone and I believed him when he said "you're my best friend and I love you but I can't do this anymore". He said "i don't know who I am anymore...I don't believe in myself like I used to." It broke my heart to think I may have spoken in a way that made him feel like that. Words cannot be taken back. He said he wanted to move on and wanted me to do the same. I moved out in 13 days and he has not messaged me, emailed or called. I feel like my heart weighs 25 lbs. I am having anxiety attacks, bouts of crying and feel like my hole future is gone as I was planning on spending the rest of my life with him. I think that time is the answer for you as well as myself. My BF also said how he and the kids are so much happier now and the bitterness is gone. It hurts so bad to think they are all doing so wonderful without me in their life. I have children in their 20's and they have been wonderful but the "love of my life" is gone. I am going to counseling and recommend it but other than that going home to an empty apartment. My children tell me I am the best mother they could have ever asked for and that I did a wonderful job of raising them. I am confused as to how I could have been such a horrible partner and stepmom. Sometimes I think you will never get the answers you need and it is just time that will help you heal.............