What To Do After 25 Years.......

Where do I begin.....I was married when I was 21 to a man 12 years older than me at the time he was my world. He was secure, confident controlling everything I wanted in someone. Well here is the thing, I grew up, became confident, successful and indepedent but oh how I still loved him. As the years progressed I took notice that our relationship was always me giving and him taking. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. His controlling was getting worse as well. As long as he was happy everyone was happy if he wasn't happy then all hell broke loose and I was the one who walked on egg shells so I didn't have to deal with it so we can be happy. About 5 years ago, I started to gain weight, I wasn't his skinny beautiful wife that I used to be as per him. He would say, your face is still pretty but you really left yourself go. Wow, okay. The more I tried to please him the more I regretted my actions and hated what he was doing to me.

Fast forward to last Monday, I suspected he was either talking or seeing someone else, I brought his laptop to him and told him to open his email, he was getting pissed, really really pissed, he opened it and to my surprise (not really) there it was her name her emails and the kicker he was to meet her the Friday before. Now the story doesn't stop there, I was so pissed, hurt, scorned that I picked up his laptop and was going to throw it on the floor, but I am a better person than that so I slammed it on the kitchen table, at that time he came after me he choked me not once but three times the last I was screaming for someone to help me, he finally let go. This was the first time he ever laid hands on me, what scares me the most is that he didn't recall having his hands around my neck he told me that he was holding my shoulders telling me to calm down because he thought I was going to throw the laptop at him. Again, turning the story around to make it my fault. I ran out of the house so fast, go in my car and went directly to my BFF's.

Why does it feel that I did this? Why does this hurt so bad? Why do I feel that I have left my family down? Why is it that he is pissed at me? It's been 10 days and I feel guilty. Thank goodness I am seeing a counselor but my emotions are all over the place, is this normal? Even though everything is happening I still think its my fault and I can't get over that part........

Thanks for listening.......it did help to write it down.
46-50, F
4 Responses Sep 7, 2012

Physical or emotional abuse is never acceptable I just want to get that clear. My ex is a smart and good looking woman but she let herself go and put on a lot of weight. It is a hard subject to bring up because it is hurtful but it does effect intimacy in a relationship and you grow apart and is the down fall of many marriages. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of men that let themselves go to.
Best thing for you to do is get in the best shape you can for you! You will not only feel good about yourself but you will feel healthier and get you through the hard times a lot easier. Own some of the fault and move on and make a new start. He will look at you down the road when you are in good shape and think "Damn she looks good" Now that is winning!

it is not your fault! ill say that again so it will sink in ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! He is a controlling, cheating, abusive, violent scum bag! The reason i know this is i was married to one for more than 5 years. Hes also probably brainwashed you into thinking that you'll never find anyone as good as he is, honey i've got news for you, there is so much better out there! trust me, i've been there, i've been separated for almost 6 months now and after 5 months of therapy im finally starting to rediscover a part of myself i thought had died! I thought i would never be confident, and sassy again, guess what, im back, and my family have all noticed, my mom actually cried about a month ago, she said "my girl is finally coming back" I turned into a different person while i was with him, and i became a door mat. But im back now and i have a new boyfriend who is amazing. Leave him, don't go back if he asks you too, tell him no, im better off without you. Trust me you deserve so much more!

You should have run to the police while the hand prints were still on your neck.<br />
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If he hits you once he'll hit you again.<br />
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Then you would have evidence.<br />
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Good luck with the divorce. Stay away from him, next time he might hit you or squeeze harder.<br />
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No woman should live with violence.<br />
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Good luck.

it is out of control........you need time apart to reflect and see if there is anything to save. best of luck.