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Officer And A Gentlemen

I am hoping this will help with the pain...it is deep...I met my wife 17 years ago. I think we all can remember the euphoric state of meeting someone new and having a strong level of passion of getting to know someone while deciding to fall madly in love with them. It was my first assignment in the military and I met her. I came from a not so big place and moving to a big city was cool. I can say she was my first true love. Not even a year after meeting she was pregnant and as we shared our 18 month anniversary we had a child. Her hormones were wild and morning sickness overwhelmed her so I packed us up and found us a small apartment that was ours. I had no intent in marriage at that time...heck I was only 19 years old when we moved in together. The one thing I can say is back then she motivated me to do good so we could have more.
She is drop dead gorgeous on the outside. She will catch the eye of men and women alike. Back then she was even more gorgeous on the inside. A few years later after being on and off and living together and living separated, we were married. The happiest day of my life after my daughter being born. The funny thing is the same year we both were saved and we practiced abstinence for a long while. A year later we had another child and I am feeling the heat of providing more for my family. The heat did not come from her as it came from inside as I wanted to give my children what they did not have which was a father who was active in their life and who worked his butt off to give them what they needed and wanted in life. I finally finished college and became an officer and our money doubled from what we were getting when I was an NCO and it was finally time to move. This is when things changed...her only focus was an ex friend (female) who had come back into her life shortly before we were married. I begged and pleaded with her to talk to me as I could see she was homesick but she would not. Her only focus was her friend. I can remember were making love before I was to go on temporary assignment and as the phone rang, she stopped to talk to her friend. I left for that trip and fell into a trap of lust with someone who I thought was just a friend but who had taken advantage of my ignorance. Yeah, I had an affair but I chose to never see her or talk to her again. I came home and continued to beg and plead but nothing would give. We moved again and it was more of the same. I would go to work and she would stay home with the kids. I didn't mind that she stayed home but she would not do anything around the house. 18 months into this move she left.
Her friend (listed above) was a great Christian prophet and God had told her to tell my wife to divorce me. I got this news the day after Christmas...she had already reserved the U-Haul for me to drive her and the kids back.
I took her home with the thought of so what! I can do better! I did not understand how much I did not know about the Word of God. As I began to educate myself I realized I was wrong. I had confessed for my past but the pain of coming home to an empty house was unbearable. After 4 months the kids came to stay with me. She constantly complained about them and I said well, let them live with me. She agreed, without complaining, and when I picked up my kids I realized why...there was a new man. She brushed it off as it was okay as we were separated and she could do what she wanted and I told not as long as I was paying her bills, paying for her car and insurance, etc. However, I didn't cut her off. I took my kids back with me and the journey began. For eight months I raised the kids with the grace of God and an awesome baby sitter whom I am forever indebted to. She missed both of their birthdays and continued with her new relationship (I should have noticed the pattern). Finally, a year later she calls and wants to come home. I tell the kids I have another mission to go on and I will be back. I got her back home just in time for Christmas. The first night she was there was the first sign of the hell to come for me. As I did the nightly prayers with the kids she poked them and joked around to show me the respect she lost for me. She lost respect for me because I confronted her new man and simply told him we were working on our marriage and if he did not mind could he step away as there were children involved as well.
Most days were felt with her wrath of words…many bad words that hurt. She would cut your soul with her words. See, I grew up with ADHD and did not know it until I was an adult. As a child I thought I may be retarded or stupid because I couldn't concentrate and to hear this from your wife was horrible. I continued to beg her to open up to me and to establish a bond with me but her friend was still the priority. I drifted into despair and no one noticed. I walked in depression for years...it still continues. The final straw was when I lost my job because my focus was on what she was doing...I failed to mention her new friend called my house when she came back home and then a year later after we had moved overseas. One day I came home from work after failing miserably. I was defeated as I failed to lead my unit and my home. I over hear my wife telling her friend that I got what I deserved and what made me think I was a leader. My first thought was to take my pistol, go to a secluded place, and end it all. I spend the next five years leaving for work early so I could go somewhere and cry in peace where she would not see me. I did not want her to know she got to me. We moved again and I was trying to get my career back on track. However, I jumped into a new lust of being flirtatious at that point. I figured she would come around though as she was moving close to home and she would be near "her" family...I guess the family we created was more of a burden than a refuge of love. I enjoyed flirting with the women. It gave me something to look forward to. At home the only thing that awaited me was defeat and more abuse. I could not believe someone could treat someone this way. I had turned my back on God but two years ago I decided to get back right. However, the dagger was coming.
Her ex-boyfriend from High School had been in the picture for the past 17 years. You would see his profile in the internet history and I was certain they were chatting. 2 years ago she showed me a message she had sent him where she told him she had been in love with him since the day she met him and she needed to let him go so she could give her all to her husband. Sounds sweet but explains why her heart was not mine. You can't give away something you don't have and he had had it the whole time.
I recall her telling her friend when we were moving back to the states from overseas that I had better not go TDY from where we were moving...not sure what that meant but the tone of the conversation led me to believe plans were being made. I continued to strive to get closer to God but the depression lingered. She was so selfish she couldn't see it. I deployed again to try to rebuild my career last year. Great tour and had lots of fun...great experience and a successful tour. I returned home to my wife whom I had numerous conversations with while I was gone and we had decided to work on our marriage so we both could be happy. I was excited when I got home but something was strange...she had gone through all my work emails and saw my correspondence with the women. Further, the affair I had buried for a decade had come up and she actually found the woman. What sucked the most was I had made up my mind I was going to confess it to her when I got home but I didn't get the opportunity. I didn't want to do it right after I got off the plane. I wanted to give it a few days...she hit me with it in less than 24 hours of being home. This was strange to me as I hadn't talked to the woman in years. We fought about it but agreed to work on things. That’s what we did, I thought, was work on things.
In late march she became different. In April I saw why. She had hundreds of texts to one number. I'm no fool so I used the online things to reverse check it and yes it was a man. In April, the texting stopped but in March she started locking her phone. The funny thing was she tried to assure me everything was okay and she would actually have sex with me. But the horror was about to begin. In November she wanted a new car so we go her one. In April we refinanced our house. Also in April we went looking for houses as Uncle Sugar prepared to move us again. I did not realize it then but I was going to get something for her birthday the following month. She decided she wanted a divorce and that she was leaving. A few days later my kid complains about not having a cell phone when his mom has 2. A few days later I learn she has had a separate bank account and now she wants to sit down with the kids to see who they want to live with.
Shock and dismay are only 1% of what I felt. For the last two months my wife went to "wal-mart" every night. I knew that wasn't where she was going but I let it ride. I told her if she put her attention on another man she would lose focus of our marriage but she simply stated I was crazy and there was no other man. Well, the kids picked me. My daughter who was coming up on 16 was no fool. She was actually my best defense over the years when her enraged mother would beat me with words. As we left our last place she took a detour to see him before she left. The funny thing is for the entire time I have known her, 17 years, she has not worn more than sweats and wrapped her hair for highway trips but this day she put on nice jeans, a blouse, make up earrings, and perfume. Of course, she didn't wear her wedding ring. She hadn't worn that since she returned six years ago. When my son and I arrived at the new location she showed up later. It was similar to the day she disappeared for 24 hours on a Sunday. Claimed she was at a bar...I confronted her and she admitted to meeting someone with a caveat of, "you should have taken the big boy way out instead of being a ***** about it". She left a few days later and my son and I moved into the house we were renting. With an uncertain future I didn't want to buy another house as I was renting the other where we just left. My son and I did the best we could to set up the house and we then went to get my daughter to get ready for school. I saw my wife then who even came to the hotel to give me some while I was in town. I figured out that was her control mechanism after a while. A week later she shows up at my house unannounced. She claimed she missed the kids she had just seen 5 days ago. She didn't seem to miss them when she was running the streets though. She stayed for over 2 weeks but she didn't realize I had put a key logger on my laptop to see what my daughter was up to. Well she made the fatal mistake of going onto my laptop to probably see what I had been up to and while she was there she checked her email and bank account. When I logged into the email I reflected back over the past few days and how she willingly slept in my bed but when I would say good morning to her she would roll over and grab her phone. She wanted to tell him good morning first. This guy had the audacity to threaten bodily harm on me if I ever contacted him and she said nothing. It surprised me as I was raising our kids but my death would be the end of her 16 years of hell she had lived in. She laid in my bed and emailed him and told him I was crazy and many other things. She continued to tell me the guy was just a friend but she had made a fatal mistake. Before we moved our computer got a virus. I had to wipe it to remove it from the registry. Being that I know A LOT about computers I backed everything up before we left and decided I would reinstall it after the move. Well, when I did the folder search for ITunes and Apple my intent was to get the music libraries. I didn't know anything about the backup's to phones. Well, I do now. A month ago I learned more about her encounters with her "friend". I slipped into the deepest depression of my life as I laid in the bed for 6 days straight crying without stopping. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I didn't bathe, and I did nothing but cry. I finally got out of my rut and I praise God for that. She has found even more men to add to her list of "male" friends she has. I have concluded it is not my concern what she is doing as I want to focus on my relationship with Christ as it grows and being the best dad in the whole wide world. Last night I fought the bandwidth hogs to preorder the Iphone 5 for my daughters sweet 16. I will drive 200 miles tomorrow to go to a small town that is the only store who sells her favorite brand of soda so I can get enough to spell out Happy Birthday in cans and put it on the floor outside her door.
I watch the children pull from her. Our son will not even talk to her. Our daughter likes to be around her but that desire leaves quickly after she sees her mother. My daughter did this fight when she was 9 and is doing it again at 16.
The hurt comes and goes and after the last four months I deteriorated. I am usually six foot three weighing 215 pounds...I dropped to 165. Oh, the other guy you ask? Well, in March he moved back in with this wife to work on his marriage. I guess he was practicing his sex moves with my wife before he tried them with his wife. He had asked around about me and heard I was a pretty big guy and since I have a deep voice when I called him the intimidation was still there for his five foot ten frame. I didn't threaten him or curse him. I only told him I was concerned his children (all three) would suffer the same agony as my children because he was making the same mistake I had made in failing to lead his family the right way. The guy would call me every once in a while and ask for advice and I would give it to him. My anger wanted to go back there and give his wife all the emails between he and my wife but my spirit did not desire to create further confusion and to not ruin his marriage for the sake of his kids.
My wife continues to do what she wants. After 5 months she has not found a job but she is feverishly looking. She says she is talking with God but I don’t think she is listening. Her cousin who is so freaking awesome and was one of the first to say she had my back has another side. You see, when my wife was at the cross roads of deciding to go deeper with this guy her cousin did not tell her to not do it, she did not say, "hey you are married no way", she told her to not do it if she would feel bad about it but if it will make you feel good go for it. Further, when the guy called it off with her my wife went into her own depression. She could not believe he left her for his wife. Her cousin’s advice was to understand it would be okay and to establish a network of male friends. You really gotta love family don't you?
I did feel anger towards my wife’s family for not even considering the children but I have come to realize that my children know way more than I think they do. The one thing they will get out of this is how their dad tried to hold strong and did the best he could and never quit. As for my wife, she insisted on us paying off the car earlier in the year (before she said she wanted the divorce) so it is paid for. Her bills total about 200 bucks a month. I refused to pay for a cell phone that she would talk to other guys on so she has her own cell phone contract in addition to the other phone she bought to hide from me. I pay her bills and that is about it. I talk to her when I want but I have found I only have a bad day when I talk to her. She has gone as far as telling multiple men I am crazy and mentally challenged and even told that to our daughter. She creates chaos by lying on me to her family and this is why I will not talk to her...if I do not say anything I do not have to defend myself later.
I pray God will heal her and restore her to what He would have her to be but I feel she is so far from God that she wouldn't be able to spell his name. I pray for her at night when I go to bed and in the morning when I awake. Will this work? I do not know...my intent is to allow God to decide what will happen with this relationship. I noticed as I prayed to forgive her for her multiple affairs and the affairs to come the anxiety went away as I do not let it burden me anymore. As I said earlier, it is not my concern. Many ask why would I pay her bills as she abandoned me and the kids and my reasoning is this, I am a loving kind of guy. I made mistakes but I always have and will provide for my family. The lack of emotional attachment is a fault of my wife and me. If she is using me, that is okay as she will answer for it. Not me. Everyday gets better followed by a brief moment of tormented pain. The good thing is I do not break down in front of the kids. As I wake up in the morning I get my kids up for school and I drop them off and pick them up afterwards. I am the luckiest man in the world!
hurtingtryingtoheal hurtingtryingtoheal 31-35, M 1 Response Sep 14, 2012

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I am so sorry. My best advice is to show no emotion towards her. Try not to verbally communicate. The more you distant yourself the easier it will be for your heart to heal. I left my husband after 17 years of marriage. That is why your article caught my eye. I inflicted pain on my exhusband. I felt like he was putting money and material things before me and I became seriously depressed. I saw no future with him because he started drinking a lot and was devastated over loosing our home and having to file bankruptsy. I had a feeling we were not going to be together for ever. I told him. I started talking to a man I knew when I was 21. We are now married. He is a lot different from my ex. My ex has a lot of good quality. Its hard to go on to a new relationship when you were with someone for so long. I miss my friendship with my ex. Your ex may want to keep you hanging on. Do not let her. Keep praying and in time you will get past it. God will comfort you. I try to stay distant with my ex. I don't want to make him miss me like I miss him. Its not fair to him. I know its hard enough for him and I want him to go on with his life and be happy. You deserve that too.