Trying to move on

I met my husband when I was 16 I am now 24 and we are both the same age. About 2 months ago he confessed to me that he was having an affair, an 8 month long affair. She moved out of the state and he was so heartbroken that he wants to follow her but he loves me and is having a hard time giving me up as well. For 2 months I have been here seeing and waiting to know if my husband is going to choose me or her. A week ago I came back from a 2 week "vacation" from Dubai, during the first week he sent me an email stating he made his decision. i swear that last week when i was in Dubai i was getting prepared to start living my life without him, i came back home strong and prepared to take over my own life. So i decided to meet him and to talk to him about how to proceed with the divorce, but when i saw him i still felt nothing but then he turns around and starts talking about how he missed me and that everyday he was waiting for a phone call or email just something from me and that he was getting angry everyday and was feeling jealous because he thought i was with someone else while i was in Dubai. i was completely dumbfounded, he just told me he wants a divorce and hes telling me this now!!! So of course the strength that i had built completely melted away and went back to waiting again... i spent the weekend with him and last night we talked for 8 hours straight about whats going on and everything. he said the feelings he has for her are still the same, and that he still needs more time to decide. but after hearing everything he was saying it was clear, in the end he was going to chose her so i told him that i was done and that as soon as i drive away i will be moving on with my life without him, i told him to not come back and that i hope she was worth all this and that she gives you all the things you need. He barely knows her, she has three kids from someone else and while he was cheating on me w her, she was cheating on her fiance w my husband. We don't have kids, we wanted to wait until we were stable in our careers and be financially ready and whenever someone mentioned kids he completely shut them down or told them that were not ready but now hes so willing to take care of her kids, his career is so unstable but hes willing to do all that for someone he barely knows and he knows that it might not work out with her but hes willing to try to make it work with her than with me. The years i have given him where for nothing! she goes on and preaches that he needs to make it work with me, but yet she keeps calling him and tells him all sorts of things. He is the puppet and shes the puppeteer. I want to pack my bags and leave the country again, My best friend lives in England maybe i will go there. It feels like hes died but it hurts more because hes actually breathing and hes with someone else.. i keep telling myself, he will get whats coming he will see what he gave up for. When she was here she was able to give him her undivided attention because her kids were not here or her family or anybody so i asked him do you think when you go to her that it will be the same and he said no but still he wants to try. I feel like maybe its just me, maybe im just not worthy enough, he didnt want to have kids but maybe he didnt want them with me. i mean what else could it be, he will destroy all this for her n her kids so what am i to think. something must be entirely wrong with me if he put all the stops to having kids until we were ready too her having already 3 ... its like that movie when harry met sally when she finds out that her ex is getting married to his temp or something like that and shes crying and saying he just didn't want to marry me, whats wrong with me. i feel like that right now. i dont know anymore, maybe there is a reason for all this and maybe he will be genuinely happy with her and maybe this is leading me to the path that i am suppose to be on that i will find my true love. its difficult to think that because i thought he was, he was the person i picked to spend my life with and he betrayed me. I feel that if he doesn't want me and does not see the worth in making our marriage work, especially given our history and time together all the things we've been through then who will see me worthy... i know its not the end of the world, and through time he will be a closed chapter and one day i will find someone new and start a new chapter and i might have to go through several little chapters before finding and making a whole entire new one but i guess that's just how its going to be... He was and is my life, he is the air that i breathe and ill still deep down inside be hoping he will find his way back to me, i did not like admitting that it makes me look weak probably but i love him and right now that's all that i know. 
I've noticed as i read what i just wrote that i didn't ask for any advice, i guess i just don't want to feel so alone even though i am... 
reemh88 reemh88
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 17, 2012

hope things work out !