Zombie Wife?

I must admit I never saw this coming. After almost 20 yrs of marriage the wife took the 4 kids and moved into an apt owned by a married preacher friend with whom she was acquainted with even before our marriage. He had helped her put her life back together after growing up in a dysfunctional home. I tolerated him for a while until he crossed the line and became way too smothering in my opinion, and he in turn began to resent me. But she became even more emotionally attached to him. She would spend hours on the phone with him, but grew cold and distant to me. I could never do anything right. The fact that I work long hours in what was essentially a one income household didn't help matters. Petty arguments would ensue about why I couldn't do more of the housework or homework. Buying flowers or otherwise showing attention seemed to me like trying to hold a match to an ice cube. Now I am alone in the house and feel like the victim of a cruel joke. I have spent only 3 hrs out of the 1000 that have passed since this separation with my kids. Just thinking about what she did makes me I'll. Will these kids, the oldest being a teen, ever have a normal relationship with their dad? Will the spell ever be broken? Will the bad dream ever come to an end?
DBpd12 DBpd12
41-45, M
5 Responses Sep 20, 2012

Tbav,I hope you are doing Great considering the turmoil you are in. Thank you for the well wishes. I do know first hand that all of the "stuff" will pass. I am know very happy as a result of my divorce. It was not easy that I know as well as all the others on this site. However you will overcome this challenge.
The divorce has actually made me find my passion. Speaking up for fathers and their children. I will be releasing my book in the hopes that it helps one man get his life with his children back. The major problem in north america and other parts of the world is the lack of support groups for men. Part of that issues is we as men think that we are alone and some think they are like a "superhero" dealing with all the emotions. Well the truth is we are not.We do need the support groups. I have also created a site to promote the good we do for our children, families. Far too often all we get is the negative stuff in the media. That's what sells. I say we step up and show the world that men are just as capable in providing, caring, loving their children just a like a mother.Fathers groups have their purpose but most of it is negative based.So do we need more negativity when we are gong through all the "stuff" or positive examples? Anyone is welcome to answer that on this thread.

You are an inspiration YDM. Best of luck on that book.

TBav I'm sorry to see the way thing are going for you. My wife left me on may 1 2012,for another man, its been almost 5 months she moved my two kids in with them. we were married 18 1/2 years. i really didnt think i was going to make it on my own, but i hope you do know there is help out there for free, seeing as most of those "get your ex back" e book are good for **** paper, i know because i bought most of them. If you do a search for "getting over a brokenheart" or "getting over your ex" you will probably be better off. i found one thing to be true in dealing with my breakup, and that is you cant go back and you cant make them love you, so all you can do is work on yourself and if your there for your kids they will know and they may not live with you but they will be there for you, i know because my kids came back to live with me. I hope all the best to you and i want you to know your not alone i still love my wife, but all we can do is try to make our own lives better and hope that the right people see it and want to be part of it. The pain does start to ease up with time but i dont know if it will ever truly go away.

yournotalone47, Well said Sir. Most guys fall into the negative world and think there is not help out there. We all go through it from a divorce especially if it because a affair. I went through the same things. Emotions, negative feeling got me nowhere fast. I then woke up and I am thankful for that experience sounds weird I know but stuff happens in life and its how we deal with it that makes us stronger provided we stay positive. I know I was down to my last 50 cents walking away from a fathers rights group meeting. I lost everything in Family court fighting to see my two children. Well I gave that 50 cents to a homeless man thinking he has it worse then I. Once I did good stuff for others without expecting a return of any kind all things in life started to feel good again. I now see my son more then the court ordered. So long story short it will work it way through as long as we stay away from all the negativity and realize its a lesson in life that we can handle in a positive way.Does it ever go away NO Nobody likes to get a broken heart but it does heal and it will beat louder , stronger then ever if you give it a chance.

YNA, I was really heartened to hear that your kids came back to you. It's been 2 months for me and still have only seen mine for 3 hours. I admittedly lose my fighting spirit when I imagine how that preacher is seeing to their every need material & emotional. What chance do I have to ever be their real father again?

Tbav, you have to start putting it in your mind that you are and will alway be there one and only true father. You cant let the though of someone elses actions affect you so negitively. I know it hard but you have to try and stop thinking about what there doing and start thinking about how you can change thing in a way that allows you to see your kids.You have to start small, if possible try to see if you can contact them at night by phone even just to say goodnight and i love you. Try to arrange one night a week even if its just to go for a walk some where, You have to let them know that they are so very important in your life and that they are in no way shape or form responable for anything that cause what happen, Iwish i could tell you something that would make this better. the first two months for me were so hard and i atleast got to see my kids on the weekends, I feel so bad that you cant see your kids right now when you need them, but it wont alway be this way if you can let them know that you love and need them than they will want to see you too and no one will be able to stop them because every child needs and loves there real father. i really do hope you can work something out, for you as well as your kids. Rember they need you to.

I needed that pep talk. Thanks again YNA.

1 More Response

Gentlemen , By no means are you alone. I am divorced father who caught his wife cheating as well. My world as I knew came crashing down all around me. Family courts, BS all over the place from her seemed like nothing was going my way. Down and distraught unitl my handicapped brother put his head on my shoulder and said WAKE UP it will be ok.So stay strong and you will conquer it all. Its not easy dont get me wrong but life will be better as time heals the wounds. Stay focused on your children. There are suffering more then you.

Thanks for sharing your story YDM. It helps to know that there are others out there going through this hell. It helps even more knowing that they are surviving it. Best of luck to you.

In a similar situation TBav. It's the toughest thing i have ever had to deal with. We were married for 15 years with our 16th anniversary coming up this Friday. However, she will be spending it with another man. We are a Christian household and my wife is even s minister in the church but yet and still she chooses to do wrong. My point in telling you about my situation is to let you know that you are not alone. Typically it's the guys that trip out in relationships, but lately women have really been flying off the deep end and breaking away from good family units. I'm sure you loved your wife and kids as I do mine and it is really devastating to not be able to see them like a father should, but we have to find ways to stay in their lives. It's not fair to them or us that we have to go through this. I just pray that in time the pain will begin to cease. I'm not sure if you are a religious person of not but pray. Pray for your wife pray for God to keep you strong in this time of difficulty and pray for your kids. I wish you all the best and just know their are others out here hurting just like you

Thanks for those words Dolf. Yes my wife and I are both religious people, and I viewed her staunch faith as a plus when we got married. I knew that our children would be raised in a positive environment, but I did not forsee that she would use those same values to scrutinize me and try to find fault with almost everything I do. I now find it difficult to do simple chores or stay focused at work, never mind trying to formulate a plan to stay in touch with my kids. How are you coping with that?

I find that when I keep myself busy it makes it easier to cope. I do understand how difficult it is to do basic day to day things. It's so frustrating because my wife knows what she's doing is not pleasing in the eyes of God. Fortunately for me we can still communicate and I can see and communicate with my kids. I just don't like the fact that I'm not physically there for them. I want to kiss my 4 year old daughter good night every night not just on a weekend. Keep in touch with me dolfhangreg@gmail.com and maybe we can help each other get through this. I pray that you and your family is brought back together as we'll as mine.

I'm so sorry TBav. It's crazy how some people think its ok to treat others. However, karma is a funny thing. Just stay as close as possible to the kids and keep it real!! Best of luck to you!!

Thanks, I will try