I Am Newly Separated

After celebrating our 10 year anniversary with a "romantic" trip to the Bahamas in August, my husband tells me in September that he wants to separate because he has been feeling different for awhile and since our trip did not feel like our honeymoon and bring back sparks we were missing it was over. I refused to accept this and would not let him leave. We have two small children, 6 and 4 and I made him promise to work on our marriage for them. In October, he told me the real reason he wanted to leave was because he had been having an affair for almost a year. I was shocked and devastated. I felt like I had been hit by a bus however after a few days of crying I told him that I was still willing to forgive him and work on our marriage. It wasn't't until I met with the other woman that I found out the truth, that he wanted a future with her and was only keeping me hanging on because he didn't't want to hurt me more than he already had. So as of about 2 weeks ago, he has moved out. I have faced the denial stage and the guilt stage of grief but I am definitely going through the depression stage now. I cry all of the time and I don't eat very much. I would like to sleep alot and if it were not for my children and my job, I am not sure that I would get out of bed each day. My husband is still around a lot because of the kids. He comes to the house every morning to put my daughter on the school bus so that I can leave for work then he is here 2 nights during the week with the kids and all day Sunday and sometimes Saturday as well. It is great for the kids, they are handling all of this very well because daddy is around a lot more than he was before so I don't want to change the situation because of them but it is so hard for me to see him everyday. We act like we are still married in every way except emotionally and physically. He has shut his feelings off for me because he has been doing that slowly for the past year however this is all new to me so I still have feelings for him, I still love him even after all he has put me through and I still have hope that it is going to work out even though he has made it clear that he does not feel the same. I don't know how to start my life over. I don't know how to move on without him. All of my friends are married so I don't even have anyone to go out with that is not in a relationship. I am trying to be so strong and everyone keeps telling me how well I am handling all of this but when I am alone, I break down and feel like I am dying inside.
catucutie catucutie
36-40, F
4 Responses Nov 28, 2012

im sorry to hear that i was married for 16 years and gave all my heart to her and my three kids.when i found her cheating.the one thing im glad for mis that i got my three kids from it..now a couple of days ago my newly married wife of 3 years told me she was unhappy and she left.i know what you are feeling.but for me im not sure how much more i can take..im lucky my three kids give me the support and love i need.

OMG I am so sorry for you. I was thinking about that, how I don't know if I could bare to give my heart again because I cannot stand the thought of it getting broken again. I had a boyfriend in college that cheated on me and another boyfriend in college that left me for an old girlfriend then my husband cheats on me and leaves me for her. I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. Everyone tells me that it is not me but it is hard to think that its not something that I am doing or at least my taste in men. I really think that I may be single forever just because I can't go through this again but I am only 36 and that is too young to think that way. I cannot imagine how you are dealing with this a second time. Your children will be your rock, I know that mine are. If it were not for them, I am not sure that I would be able to get out of bed some days. They will be your reason for living. I wish you the best of luck and please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you need to vent. I have noticed that it does help. Especially with people that don't know you :)

I feel for you. I went through something similar about 6 years ago and I was a wreck for about six months or a year. Try to avoid the being crazy thing - I hit bars and did one night stands just to "prove" something to myself (that I was desirable) for months. But the problem is him, not you.

Your real friends will stay with you and still be friends. It may be awkward for them at first, but if you don't act like it's wierd being with them without your ex, they will calm down and be a real strength for you.

Hang in there. It DOES get better. But the first few months are damned hard. No lie.


Completely feel your pain. I see my husband everyday because of the kids. Mine are 2 and 4. I can't bear the thought of not seeing them everyday. I can't seem to give up hope that we will figure this out. More like, he will figure out that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Everyone thinks I'm strong, but I feel so weak. The nights are the worst.

I feel like we are in the same type of situation. I still have so much hope and I know that I'm being optimistic but that's the kind of person that I am. I am pretty confident that this relationship with the other woman is not going to work because like you said, the grass isn't greener and I think they will both realize that once the fun of the new relationship wears off. I cannot tell you how many people tell me how strong I am and how well I am handling this and on the outside I'm sure I seem that way but inside I am sad and alone and you're right, at night when the kids are asleep and the house is quiet, that is when it hurts the most. I wish I had some advice for you but it seems you are going through the same thing that I am so hang on. If you need to talk or vent, I can do that because I understand how you feel.

The only thing I can say is don't give up hope until you know you are ready to. I know that no matter how this plays out, I have done everything I could and for that I am thankful.

Wow that's a tough one!..i feel for you. What struck me as especially tough for you, was the fact that he's around so much!!. While that's great for the kids, for you...it's like rubbing salt continuously in the wound. I think i would try (if you can) to work out another schedule, where you don't have to be around him so much. There are no magical words to help you get through this, only time will take care of that....but, be sure, you are worthy of happiness, and while it might not feel like it now...eventually things will fall into place again.............wishing you some peace PIP