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A Long Sad Drive...

I had an opportunity this weekend to go back to our house to get a few more of my things and pick up my boys for a few hours. I never knew how hard it was going to be. It's a 3 hour drive from where i'm staying now to get to the home my children and my ex lives in. That's a long lonely emotional drive. I drive along excited to see my boys and at the same time nervous about being around her. How will she act? What will she say? I fantasize about her telling me she's changed her mind and wants to try to work things out then reality kicks in and I know that won't happen. Would I really want to? What would I say?
I turn on the radio to try to distract my thoughts away from the first face to face meeting with her since she told me it was over. The radio doesn't help. All I here are love songs which makes me bitter or songs about lost love which adds to my sadness.
I'm getting closer now and I wonder how my boys are going to react to me. This will be the first time i've been to get them since she told them that mommy and daddy were not going to be together anymore. She told me over the phone that they were taking things well. What exactly did she tell them? Do they really understand what this means? What can I do to make it hurt less for them?
Now i'm getting off the interstate. There is the resturant we used to eat at regularly. There is the grocery store we always used. There is the turn to the lake where we would go camp and swim as a family. There is the title office where we closed the loan on our home. All the memories flood back into my mind as I drive along.
Now i'm on our street. Do our neighbors know? Has she told them what's going on? Now i'm pulling into our drive like I have thousands of times.
My youngest son comes out to meet me like he always does. "Hi Dad" he says as I give him a bear hug and he walks with me to the door. When I walk in with him, there she is, standing there looking at me. I try to read her expression and say "Hi". She simply says "Your stuff is in the hall closet" then turns away. I miss my friend. I want so bad to just take her in my arms and hold her one more time. I want to sit with her and talk for hours like we used to do, to smell her perfume, share our dreams and fears. I choke back my emotions and start down the hall. I stop at my oldest sons room and stick my head in and say "Hi" as I continue down the hall to get my stuff. I load my stuff and the boys and I head out without another word from her. I only have a couple of hours to spend with the boys before I have to head back to work so we go for pizza and spend a little time just talking. I get some feeling of peace after talking with my boys and realizing that, at least to some extent, they do understand whats going on and I assure them that no matter how my relationship with their mom turns out, I will always be there for them.
When we get back home I walk them in and give them hugs and tell them I love them. I go into the kitchen where my soon to be ex wife is and tell her that i've got to go. I tell her when I will be able to come back again to get the boys and that I hope through this all we can at least remain friends. She just says "ok" and then after a moment of silence I go to my truck and drive away. Tears run down my cheeks and feelings of despair periodically plague my drive back. I think to myself... Is this how this drive is going to be everytime?
lonelyonthemountain lonelyonthemountain 41-45, M 6 Responses Jan 14, 2013

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I understand.

Heart felt positive thoughts for you. I don't have children, cannot imagine the pain. Don't live for hope please. Try to gain some definitive boundaries. I wish you all the best and hope your children know how lucky they are to be cared about so deeply. Be sure they know.

Bless your sweet heart, darlin, I'm SO SO very sorry that you're having to experience this profoundly painful time. I feel like I can relate quite a bit. If you're a man of faith, even if you only kind-of believe in God, now would be a really, really good time to 'press in' to Him, He really is there and cares more than anyone can possibly understand. I pray that when you reach out in faith from your heart, that you find Him there.

Hi; You sound like such a romantic man. You have been devastated, you are bound to go through all sort of emotions; that's okay, that's just normal. Still, don't you want to be with someone who loves you? When you let her go, you will be able to open yourself up to another woman who might truly be able to love you. Won't you just be so much happier and better in every aspect of your life, when you find this...

Thanks for your comment. I hope one day I can move on and find love again.

You will...a slow process...but look forward to it!

Omg I am so sorry...
It is so tough when a relationship breaks down on one side instead of mutually...
I know mine did too!!!
and kids involved....
again me too.....
I do wish I wasn't forced to live with him until we liquidate...
And your memories will always be yours....
they will hurt right now...
and only time nothing else will help...
don't try to block them!
tears are cleansing....
In time they will bring a smile to your face....
It is definetely a process!
I wish you the best

Thank you...

your welcome...
if you need to vent...I'm here

I'm really not event to that point yet, but thanks. I'm still in shock. I want to be so mad at her, to hate her, but I can't. It seems to all turn to hurt.

I know....me too!
I have tried to hate him...and should!!!
such a mixed bag...
have described it the same way many of times....
"still in shock"!

Just know you are not alone... and the offer is always genuinely open when you are ready...

Thank you so much!

2 More Responses

That's so tough! I can't imagine that it's always going to be that hard so don't give up. On the plus side at least she's not trying to stop you from seeing your kids.
Keep your head up and try not to let the memories get you down.