Seperated After 15 Years
My username pretty much explains exactly how I feel. I am completely heartbroken and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not sure where to start but I guess I'll start by saying that my husband and I were high school sweethearts with us dating on and off from the time I was 14 through 16. At 16 we broke up and I actually was with someone else and got pregnant by another guy. That guy ended up leaving me very early in the pregnancy and my husband basically rescued me and my son by stepping up and telling me that he still loved me and would be a father to my child even though he wasn't his biologically. Sounds like a great guy, right? Well, I thought so and we got married 1 month before my son was born and we have been together ever since. We ended up having another child and adopted 2 more children about 7 years ago as they were family members who were in a very bad situation. This man has spent our entire marriage declaring that there is absolutely nothing more important to him than our family. He told me he loved me every single day, swore that I was the love of his life and he couldn't imagine life without me in it. Then last March I noticed all of a sudden that he was acting very differently. After about 3 weeks of this behavior I asked him if he was having an affair. He denied it but was not very convincing so of course I decided to do some snooping. I ended up finding out that he had been talking to a girl from work and it didn't sound like harmless talking. I confronted him that day and to my complete shock he admitted he had been talking to her and had feelings for her. He actually started packing his bags which completely confused me as up until a few weeks before this I had always been the love of this man's life. After a lot of talking he ended up deciding to stay and put this girl behind him. A few weeks later we ended up finding out that I was pregnant with our now 5th child. This was a complete surprise as we were not trying to get pregnant and I actually looked at this as God's way of showing us that we really are meant to be together. Apparently that was not the case for my husband. I had a terrible headache 1 night in July and decided to call him at work as he worked nights and just wanted to hear his voice. Well, when I called I was told that he wasn't working that night. Of course, that's when I realized that he was having a full blown affair and had been lying to me for months. I ended up calling him AND her on their cell phones until I got a hold of him and told him to come get his stuff out of our house because it was over. A couple days later I ended up letting him come back home because I've never really believed in divorce and with a baby on the way I would have done anything to make things work. We ended up going through him leaving and coming back a few days later 2 more times before this last seperation. He left on September 19th and we are still not back together. I know it sounds crazy and everyone tells me I deserve so much better but I miss him so much. I had our baby girl at the beginning of January and he is actually sleeping on my couch for the 6 weeks he has off on paternity leave to help me with her and also to bond with her. We have managed to keep a friendly relationship for the kids sake but I am starting to really struggle with how bad all of this has hurt. You have to understand that ever since he left he has stated that he's not sure what he wants. He basically says that he has feelings for this other girl but he still loves me. He said he would come home to try to fix the marriage but he's afraid he'd end up hurting me again and he can't stand to do that to me again. I have tried numerous times to tell him that he should just be with her because I can't stand living in limbo wondering if he's ever going to choose me over that woman but he always says he doesn't know if that's what he wants. He told me today that he is scared because he's never been an indecisive person and he doesn't know why he can't just do the right thing in this situation. He says I'm the only woman he ever loved and he just doesn't understand how he could feel so strongly about someone who isn't me, basically that this other girl must be really special if he could do this to me and that's why he hasn't been able to just let go. I personally have a lot of things that I think about this other girl and special is not a term I would use for her. She knew he was married, she knew I was pregnant with our 5th child, and she even told me that she was going to stay away from him and then continuously kept contacting him. I know that my husband is as much to blame for all of this as she is but I just don't understand how women can do this to other women. Especially knowing that I was pregnant! I guess I am posting this story hoping that someone can help me through this terrible heartbreak. I have been hurting for so long and I don't know how to move past it. I try to let go of my husband but I hate the idea of all 5 of my kids growing up without both parents in the home. I should also mention that we were so happy before he met her. Even he says that he was happy, that's why he doesn't understand why he did what he did and also why he can't seem to let the other girl go. But, he also doesn't seem to want to let me go either! Do I just give up???? I just don't know what to do anymore or where to go from here.