Question For Members About Separation Experience

I've been in both sides of your story. I've had a wife who was not involved wit the kids and me (#2) and one who spent a lot of energy and time trying to pull me back in after I "strayed" (#3). I resented #2 for being indifferent, and I resented #3 for being controlling. I guess the bottom line is control. You wanted him to be a certain way (which he should have been) but unless he's doing it on his own, the only way to get him to do it is with external control. External control will give you one of 2 results. Compliance or defiance. And in my experience the compliance breeds resentment which leads to defiance.

It's hard, but next relationship, look beyond your expectations of / needs from the other and accept them exactly the way they are. If they change accept that too. If you don't like it, then walk away. Sorry, but therapists and lawyers are getting rich from people trying to control other people.

Be as real as you can be. That's the extent of what you can control.

I was in the very same situation. I was 16 and got involved with a 21 year old man. It was wrong from the start- and yes there are a lot of other things that I won't mention either. However, I led a very lonely life with this man. The first few years of us just being engaged were spent together. However, as soon as we married things changed- not sure what changed or why but it did! I spent 6 lonely years being married to this man. The day I decided to leave him I literally found out I was pregnant. Nothing changed. I actually didn't even feel safe leaving my son alone with him due to his temper at times and the fact that he didn't know his dad! I did the same- beg for my husband to spend time with us, come home for dinner, or even go on a walk! He never wanted to be at home. I finally decided enough was enough- why be married and give myself to someone who doesn't give himself to our family. It wasn't healthy for my children (2 sons by this time) or me. My sons were 10 mos old and 2 years old when I moved out. After that my husband went crazy for a time but soon settled down and wanted to share custody. At first it seemed only due to not wanting to pay child support. However, I know things are different now. He genuinely loves them, he is responsible for them, and he commits to the time he has with them as agreed. Was it hard to share my children with a man we didn't even know- or he didn't even seem to care about? YES! I cried a lot. I still cry at times. But the big picture is this: do what is best for your children. My ex doesn't really help out financially with clothes or coats or anything like that- I provide it all and split it between houses. Sounds stupid to most I know. However- if I can absorb the bad and let my children enjoy having a father so years down the road they don't feel abandoned== then so be it. I honestly get along with my ex, we treat each other respectably- so even though I resent him for certain things I don't act on it and my children don't see it. All I care about is how my children will feel growing up being loved and accepted. (My ex was a child who was abandoned at 5 by his real father and then later had a step dad who was a real piece of work---so he does the best he can from a life that was very confusing and disappointing for him. It doesn't make it right what he has done to me- but he is making it right for my kids so that is all that matters :)

Good luck to you- It is a hard journey but if you put your children first I know you will make it through it. The key is to forgive and to know your choices are what makes the future all the better- first and foremost for your children!

I don't know you, your husband, or your situation, so I will just throw out something few people ever talk about.

Base line: Women multitask. Men are linear. Women are relationship (family) oriented. Men are goal (work) oriented.

Because of these genetic and cultural differences in thinking and motivation, many men easily fall into the ancient role of "provide and protect." To him, providing is the most important and most visible way for him to show his love. ... Because of a man's goal oriented single mindedness, when he fixates on providing (especially early in his careers,) it is easy for all other "parenting responsibilities" to fall to the side as less important -- or "the wife's job." "After all," he reasons, "I'm killing myself to put a roof over our heads, food on the table, and build a future of us. The least I could expect is that she take care of our kids while I'm doing it."

I got the wake up call that providing financially wasn't all that was required of me in the first year of my marriage. Fast forward seven years later. I was working seventy hour weeks that left me too worn out to actively engage with our children beyond reading them a story and putting them to bed. I wanted more time with them, but work was taking it all.

Maybe he worked insane hours to avoid you. Maybe he thought he was doing what he was supposed to be doing. I don't know. What I do know is that women want a man who will provide well financially, and then they criticize him for spending his time doing just that, instead of spending time with her and the kids. They put him in a no-win and call him uncaring.

I've spent my life caught between that rock and hard spot, and I resent it more with each year.

I don't know if you've tried marriage counseling or if it's too late for that. What I do know is that counseling is cheaper than a divorce and if he is putting that much effort into parenting now, that you are probably throwing away a good one.

I wish you and your family luck.

in a nut shell, typical man, when hes got something good - he doesnt want it,
now he hasnt got it, - he wants it. I think men like this are just bl--dy selfish,
they dont deserve a loving family, dont let him waste any more of your time

Thank you for your responses! And do not let my annoyance show in front of the kids, if they get a better father out of this, then I am all for it. However one thing I probably should have mentioned is that he is a narcissist. Both our marriage councilor that we use to see, and my current therapist have both made this diagnosis. He was pretty mentally abusive during our marriage, had multiple affairs which he always blamed on me, amongst many other behaviors that were just awful, the worst being this grandiose felling of self importance and extreme need to be what he perceives as being successful. So that is where my concern is coming from, I guess I am worried that this behavior is not authentic and he is only going to be able to sustain this behavior for a limited amount of time, or until he has given his friends and family the idea he is a good dad. Of course I hope this is not the case and that he is making a change for the better of the kids, but once again I beg the question has anyone experienced this with someone with this type of personality? If so, did this behavior sustain, or did it go the way side with time? I want him to be involved and a part of their lives, but I hate the idea of him setting expectations of his time and involvement that he just cannot keep up.

You know if he is working on getting it right for the kids and is responsible then that is what you want. Problem is you have your emotions and anger that have accumulated and you feel resentful. Dont give him any more power. Forgive him from the past. Embrace the good and TAKE CARE OF YOU! you do not want your children to learn your anger and emotions. Get a therapist and work your problems out. Your children and you as well deserve the best of you. Let him go on and do his deal. It may work better apart then together and that is choice that you and he will or will not decide
you. Best of luck and i am sorry that you have this to deal with!

The question I have for you is, how much of his new attentiveness is directed at YOU? Is he treating you any better? He obviously values the kids and he knows he is about to lose them so he is 'shaping up" in that way. But how much is he valuing you? I suspect not much. If you take him back, things will go right back to the way they were, I promise. Only if you keep him in a position where he has to schedule time with the kids will they continue to be a priority. He might even let them slide a little as time goes on if he does not truly value his time with them.. Right now the situation is new so he could be just temporarily trying to prove he is a good Dad. Good Luck