I Didn't Want Him to Leave, Just to Love Me

I know this is going to come off as "needy" or emotionally troubled, and maybe I am, but when my husband of 10 years left 3 weeks ago after a minor disagreement (not even a fight!) and didn't call of take my calls for two days, I was devastated. I think that's what he wanted, but it wasn't only me I was upset for, it was our 3 kids. They didn't ask for this, and they are too young to understand it. (except for my 15 yr old, who saw it coming) We had issues in the marriage, for sure, and tried to work them out- atleast I did- so the fact that he would just turn his back on me the minute he doesn't agree with something, rather than TRY to work it out, blows my mind.

It's a sad realization  to come to that you were the only one in the marriage who was in real love, the only one who was committed to it for better or for worse, and the only one who can admit that there are changes that can be made to oneself in order to breathe some life into the marriage. I am starting now to see that there is no way this marriage is going to survive if I continue to be the only one willing to try. It's scary, and it's very lonely, but I have no choice but to make it through what will ultimately be my second divorce before I turn 40.

I find it hard to think positively tonight, sorry.


sagegirl sagegirl
36-40, F
30 Responses Sep 12, 2008

hey sage, I'm sorry you're going through this. you're right, if you're the only one trying it won't work. I am going through a similar situation my husband has asked for a separation and says he is no longer in love with me. we are in counseling and it seems to be helping at least for me to better understand why. we might not end up together at the end but at least we can work through as much as we can so we can be civil. have you presented the idea of therapy?

It may be that he's having an affair or has lost love for you and has been looking for an excuse to leave the marriage. Do protect yourself: For emotional support and help seeing your life and options clearly, start seeing a therapist or counselor. For information about divorce, make an appointment with a good divorce lawyer. Usually the first appointment is free. Even if you aren't planning to divorce, you need to know what to expect if your husband files. From what you've posted, he doesn't seem that invested in your marriage.

go out and ****!!!!

I'm very sorry.

I feel your pain Sage. My husband left myself and my 2 girls (ages 10 & 16) on Valentines Day. We have really had our ups and downs, but after 17+ years of being married to him, I feel so lost. This is my second marriage but it sure is not the same situation. I'm just needing to find some people to talk to that are going through the same thing. I'm not sure which chat rooms are safe and which ones are not. I also don't have money to run to the psychologist every time I turn around because I have a breaking point. Any advice would be appreciated and I would love to chat with you.

How are you doing?

How are you doing now since you've posted it in 2008... you must have gotten so much better now. Please update us. I wish the best for you and your children.

This has been a tough weekend, glad I found this site, my friends don't understand and I hope they never do or feel like we do, i feel like I just start to feel human and my ex (is that what he is now?)drops a bombshell again and again, feel so lost and in need of tlc.

I am walking this path with you. I don't have the children though so I'm sure it's much harder for you. The same thing happened to me today, I'm still in shock and I don't understand. If u ever want or need to talk, you have a friend in me.

Sorry for your separation, but it sounds like you are at a place of taking control of your happiness,and come to realise that staying together is not the best for your happiness.

Except for the age of our children, your life mirrors mine. Does it get easier? I've been hanging on for so long trying to make it work and hoping he would choose us and try but never has. I am now in the beginning stages of divorce and its so difficult.

It is hard to think positively. I told my husband to leave but it still hurts. I miss him every night. I don't think you are needy or anything just honest

i know what you mean.. this is my 2nd divorce and im not even 30 its hard to even think that the right person is out there

This is inspiring but sad. I still have not come to terms that he doesn't love me anymore. I feel like my heart died and there is just pain and sadness left. My thoughts are with you!

ooooo...tec care

Dear Sagegirl,<br />
<br />
There is much good advice above, ba<x>sed on painful experience, but from which the hurt partner has grown and developed. And this is what life is about.<br />
<br />
Spouses often do not parallel each other in their development, maturity, understanding and needs. This is particularely so until about mid life: approximately age 40 years. When the differences become too great then for a fulfilling and contented life it is necessary to move on. The emotional pain may be high at first. However, life is about choosing the right path at the right time.<br />
<br />
On separation what you will be grieving will be the idealised version of your partner: not the reality. When you have grieved and recovered from the loss of this ideal then you will be clear that it was for the best. You will make a new and fulfilling life for yourself and your children. <br />
<br />
Best wishes: when the mist clears, and it eventually will, you will say that this was and is the better outcome. As you message was written in 2008, probably you now have a new life and would not return to the former existance even if you hadthe choice. <br />
<br />

I feel your pain. I am the only one willing to work on it, and it's so upsetting. I am so sick...will this ever get better?

omg i just read your story and thought i was reading about my life i feel exacly the same i am totally devastated too but this isn't the 1st time this has happened to me either i am so sorry for both of us i loved my husband unconditionally and he left me because i wasn't feeling well and was asking for his help thats why he left he couldn't cope

I feel your pain. This is my second marraige also. It's true there are many things to do to work out your marital problems, but you can't do it alone. My husband left 3 years ago for a month and came crying back. He made promises but never kept them. I was too busy to do much except to continually ask him if he was ok. I gave him many chances to tell me what was on his mind. My advice is to get professional help. We did a few sessions with a bad marraige counselor, but even that helped. That was many years ago.

Please take care of you! Read self help books, walk, run, bike what ever works. Try really hard not to let him know how much he has hurt you. Become very confident and move forward. Believe it or not this will drive him crazy! You must deside what it is you really want and need. No one can make you happy but you. I wish you the best of everything.

I'm feeling the same pain you are - although it was me who cut off the relationship after so much time spent feeling unloved and being madly in love... I hate this feeling. I've been separated for two weeks.

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad...mine had an affair and said he would get rid of her. But for 4 months she called (they worked together) with any and every excuse. I got ecspecially angry one day and told him to take a night away and he moved out. His name is on the house, both of ours on title. Now he is with her. I have to get rid of our 6 animals and find someone where else to go. I can't afford the house and will turn 50 in July. And nothing to show for it. Married 22 years to many...second marriage. Good luck and God bless. He can help you.

Can I post?

I understand the feeling of not wanting him to leave , I cannot understand why my husband would walk on our marriage and our girls but he says he leaving the me not the girls. I am sorry to hear of him not having contact with the kids at least mine never stop talking to his girls . believe or not , I went to see the movie , eat/pray /love with julia robert it help me say good bye to him. <br />
<br />
it was difficult to see him walk out but my girls and I are having stress free home enviroment. <br />
<br />
hope he contact the kids soon

Leaving with no contact with the kids is a low act. It is parents who separate, not kids. It is marriages that break down. It sounds like you will get to a happier place sooner without contact with someone who doesn't see the importantce of maintianing parent-child relationship s through separation and divorce.

I would agree with Steve - children never deserve that - balance is admittedly hard to find with regards to navigating custody but its better than leaving the children with no sense of their father/their paternal family...

Hello Sage Girl. I know exactly how you feel. My husband moved out on Saturday after almost 21 years of marriage. We have 2 teenagers. I have been emotionally bullied for years and when I asked him if he felt he could show me a loving marriage he said know.We didnt have a big fight or anything. I said that I couldn't see much point in going on if he couldn't love me and he agreed. I am very sad. It wasn't always like this and I do think he could pull it together if he wanted to. So you see, I do empathize. It's not easy especially when you know you have done every thing you could to try to save the marriage.

i'm sorry for your bad experience, i don't know what to say,<br />
<br />
but i'm wondering of the real reasons of his upset and leaving home<br />
<br />
my advice is to think carefully what have you done to make him like that<br />
<br />
maybe if there was anything wrong you can fix it<br />
<br />
just try again<br />
<br />
i hope ur marriage continu peacely

I can understand where you are. I have been seperated for almost 17 months. This Is my second marriage and I am 37. I was the one so in love with him. But I relized he doesn't know how to love. i am his 3rd wife. While I decided to work on myself and not date all this time he has dated 3 women and been on several other dates. I began to take care of me and run to God. I join a divorce recovery group that was so helpful to be around others who understood. i have grown so much. There are still days of lonelyness but i am much healther. I just give evrything to God every day and by his strenghth I have made it thru. My husband has resently began to talk with me again. I just pray for Gods will. If God wants us to be together than i will make the effort to try. It is very scary because I don't trust my husban. We have know children together. But I do have 3 from my first marriage. I got this book called Separated and Waiting By Jan Northington. Its from a woman who has been through this and came out blessed. This has been sooo helpful to me. The road seems long but if we look at it as a way to get ourselves healthy and take care of our children we will make better decisions in the future. My prayers go out to you and your children. hang in there.

Hi. <br><br />
<br><br />
I don't believe in walking out of a marriage. <br><br />
<br><br />
However, If it is destroying you emotionally and spiritually, GET OUT. <br><br />
<br><br />
I was once in such a marriage for 17 years which was 15 years too long. <br><br />
<br><br />
I believe that one should try to hold on - but ONE CANNOT HOLD ON TO NOTHING.<br><br />
<br><br />
I wish you Peace, Love and Happiness in the path that you choose to walk.<br><br />
<br><br />

I am so sorry to hear you going through this, and I wish there was something I could say to make it better. I'm there myself some days. We're not separated yet. I still hope for us - but it's such a similar situation as yours. <br />
<br />
"It's a sad realization to come to that you were the only one in the marriage who was in real love , the only one who was committed to it for better or for worse, and the only one who can admit that there are changes that can be made to oneself in order to breathe some life into the marriage."<br />
<br />
I can completely relate to this. I am crazy about him, and he loves me...but it isn't the same thing at all. He won't change. It is draining. I hate that he can just walk out like that. I hate that he can just walk out on his KIDS like that. That he leaves you with the wreckage to explain and pull their pieces back together...while he has a grand time in a hotel or something. Its not right...