Not Ready... share my story yet. Is that okay?

I have tried to write this several times, and I still can't say it. What I will say, is that I'm intelligent, professional, and pretty, and I have been in a physically abusive marriage for 10 years.  It ended when the police took him away.  Sitting in the courtroom, I looked around me and did not fit in. These were women that were used to attention, to drama, to altercations that are broken up by police officers.  They joked, were smart ***** to the judge, and when it was my turn to get up and say my piece, I was terrified. I shook and whimpered, while my stoic husband and brother in law looked on.  The judge was aghast, and angry.  He wanted to put my husband in jail, to teach him a lesson. I quietly asked him not to. So instead, he sentenced him to 18 months probation, and forbid him to come back to our house until the end of it. I have a court-ordered separation. 

I know I could rescind the restraining order, but somthing is stopping me.  I don't know what it is yet.  I'm humiliated, I want this all to go away, my kids are heartbroken, I am can't concentrate, and I have panic attacks.  All behaviors really unlike me, I want them to stop.  But I can't go back to how things were. I'm afraid of that as well. My friends all tell me I'll find love again, but I don't even want to. I just want to be alone.

linzln linzln
2 Responses May 11, 2009

agree with the above comments...<br />
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re-emphasise "you need to put yourself first and take the time to heal."<br />
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no matter what other people are saying, you are now the bedrock of your family. you took the first step. well done.<br />
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now be strong and follow through. you will figure out what to do.

Thats fine. I went through all sorts of emotions. <br />
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I was angry and confused. Sad and angry. I could not shut up about it for a while then just did not mention it.<br />
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Take your time.