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How Can I Be Me Again?

My husband of 11 years told me yesterday that "it wasn't there for him anymore".  He had been lying to me for months and had now found someone new that made him happy.  We were married at 20 which is young I know but I always felt it was the real thing.  The kind of love that everyone wants but rarely ever gets.  I was totally blind sided and now I am left to console my to your girls while he plays happy house with the new woman and her two kids.  How do I explain to my 9 year old that Daddy not only left us, but he is now someone else's Daddy.  How do I explain to my 3 year old that Daddy isn't going to be home for dinner, ever again. 

I was truely, madly, deeply in love with this guy and now I feel I didn't know him at all.  How do I keep going?  How do I find myself again?  I have asked everyone I know and no one can tell me.  How do I morn the death of my heart and soul.  How do I deal with the loss of my best friend?  I am breathing and medicated but dazed and wounded.  How long does it take to walk around with out crying. 

It wasn't all roses but we always vowed that we would work together through anything.  Until now that is.

crushed2009 crushed2009 31-35 6 Responses May 24, 2009

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my 1st divorce was like that it took about a year to not feel wounded anymore even though I was trying to be happy with someone else...... take your time.. write down your thoughts.. don't rush into anyting just to be happy because you are vulnerable and that vulnerability only attracts wierdos.... trust me on that one good luck and keep your head up you will find someone who deserves your devotion

You might drop an anonymous set of letters on his Supervisor, HR Department, and President of the company where he works. Employers often don't like employees who cheat because they could be cheating on the employer as well.

I feel for you, and to some degree I know your pain. My husband left a year ago in September, a week before my 39th birthday. He had a relationship with a woman that lasted close to two years, an emotional affair is what I call it, but they call it a friendship. The more I fought against it and told him how it hurt me, the more distanced he became from me. Finally he left, and I have been trying to piece together my left since then.



It will be hard, no doubt about that. My advice to you is that once you are able to do this, to find a divorce care class, either through a church or a community program. I just started one and I wish I would have done so sooner. It will be a good source of support for you, and you will learn things I wish I knew from the start. Things like it wasn't your fault, and how to start over.



like the above poster (OMG) said, we are holding your hand, and you can do this. Please keep us posted as to how you are holding up.



Char

I went through the exact same thing a year ago... only I don't have any children in the mix, so I am lucky enough to not have to see him, speak to him, or know what he is doing.



The reason nobody can offer you advice on what to do to find yourself again, is because there IS no advice. Each person's journey is unique. For now, you are numb, and stunned and trying to figure out what your contribution was to the downfall of the relationship. You will simply have to walk thru this time....don't try the shut the pain out or find ways to make it end. Welcome it like a pathetic friend. Go ahead and be sad, mad, mournful, nostalgic, mopey,....all of those things. Once you embrace them, then you will be able to discard them.



As for your girls, tell them the truth, but in age-appropriate answers.



Just focus on getting through each day for now--you will know when change and healing is coming. Don't push for their arrival.



Let us know what is going on with you bit by bit--you will find out that the bottom wasn't a big scary fall, but just a tiny stumble...We are hold your hand. You can do this!

That man doesn't deserve anything from you. He is a weak pathetic example of what men are now. They don't honor their word they are liars and they should burn forever in h***. Your daughters will go through alot but they ultimately have their own lives to live. You are the one I am worried about. How did this man for a month lay beside you his wife knowing about his deception? That makes him no better than the slug that drags its sorry belly across the grass. Do you have a dog? You know how you can leave the house and come back and he's been in the trash and you just know it before you see it because of the shame in that dogs face? Welllllllll?????????? Lower than a dog. I'm still quite angry in case you didn't notice. I feel so bad for you. How is it that we still love them? We would try to make it work no matter what but our entire lives rely on HIS decision? You have choices too, but he's taking away the one you want. Please take care of yourself. If you don't want to do housework, don't do it. Let it go and take care of you. Cry all you need to. You can even make plans to destroy them both if that makes you feel a little better. Go to a site about black magic and look up spells to harm them......I don't think I'd actually do one but it felt good to know at least I could do something. Who is this tramp anyway? Probably a good friend of yours trust no one. Hug those children tight, they only need you. You have honest true love for them, not the selfish kind of love he is capable of. I don't know much about him just your post but it really ticked me off. Sorry if I have said too much........Just please be good to yourself and don't let him convince you that it's your fault. He asked for it right?

I wish i had the answers for you. It is so hard to be in the disposal of someone elses decisions, and at the same time have them completely rip apart your life, heart and leave you to deal with the consequences.



I hope your husband realises exactly what he has done.



My heart goes out to you, i wish you all the strength in the journey ahead, and in being able to find the right answers for yourself and your young daughters.



Trust in yourself though, to make the right decisions. Follow your heart now, even though it may speak so softly through the pain. And get some help, there are alot of free relationship councilors in Australia, there would possibly be a similar set up where you live.



Like i said, i wish i had the answers to give you, i don't not believe anyone deserves the pain you are experiencing at the moment. Stay strong my sweet.