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Wife Moved Out


My wife moved out of our house and into an apartment this weekend.  She told me a few weeks ago that she was considering it because she was unhappy, felt smothered and other similar arguments. 
 
It seems as if there are two versions of her because when we got back from vacation a few weeks ago, she said it's nice to be home and started shopping, doing yard work, and generally "nesting" type activities.  Even the night before she moved out we were shopping for household items and she was asking me what I wanted to do for the weekend.  Her girlfriend called her about a planned weekend visit and I heard her say she was "on the fence" about something (which I later put together what she was really talking about).  Her friend arrived this past Friday, and by the time I got home from work they had already started packing and moving things out.
 
She said we could still "do stuff" together.  Today when she was getting more stuff from the house I could tell she was crying.  I am not sure but I think she is very divided and may even already regret that she left to some degree.  I asked her if I should take my ring off and she said no, and she was not taking hers off either.  She hasn't told her parents and didn't want me to tell mine either.  This again leads me to the belief that she is very uncertain of what she is doing.  She is the type that after making the decision, right or wrong, she thinks she needs to follow through with it. 
 
The rental property is a 3 month lease.  I would really like her back home.  I have worked so hard to make a life with her and we enjoy doing so many of the same things, we have the same political beliefs, hobbies, activities, etc. 
 
I didn't resist her moving out.  I told her yesterday I didn't want her to go but I respected her decision.  I am limiting contact, I haven't called her except regarding her picking up more stuff.  I let her take anything she wanted.
 
Finally, I got an email from her tonight asking if I would go with her to a festival this Friday.  I think my letting her go may already be drawing her back in but it may be too early to tell.  I don't know if I should accept her request or not.  On the one hand I want to because I don't want her to grow detached from me and seek company somewhere else, and I miss her already.  This is especially the case if she is TRULY regretting her decision already.  On the other hand I am still a little angry and feel abandoned.  I don't want her to feel she gets all the same benefits of our relationship after she has rejected me like this and is living somewhere else.

I have treated her very well, never hurt her physically or emotionally, I'm responsible, respectful....I am having a hard time figuring this out.  How can I be responsible for her happiness?

It's only been a few days and I'm lonely and bored and feeling sad.

manofability manofability 36-40 14 Responses Jun 22, 2009

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I too left my husband and he feels like I abandoned him. The only difference is that I told him for years that I was not happy and felt like I was dying in the relationship, He too was very good to me in all the ways that seem to count in society. But for whatever reason, the relationship did not work for me, made me feel like I was living a constant lie. I too shopped for the house, we had just bought a brand new house 4 months before I moved out. None of this feels good to write and it didn't feel good to leave. She knows that you are a good man and probably feels guilty for the relationship not being enough to make her happy. Giving her space is a good thing. Once my soon to be ex rejected me, I wanted him back but not for the right reasons. It was out of fear that I was losing security. How is your physical chemistry if you don't mind me asking? Do you please her as her man or are you more of a caretaker?

Been separated for almost a year now. Wife wanted to as she found someone else and blamed it all to me. Dont beat yourself up as you did what is right. Women now leave when they are not happy even if they found a good man. Selfish? Yes. But to them life is short and dumping someone without doing everything to ignite the marriage. Just like you, i was taken by surprise. Did not know what hit me. It is going to be a tough year for you. Hope things work out well. I still love my wife but not to the extent that she makes me feel less than what i deserve. I wish her well with her new love but it pains me a lot.

well said

mano,
My wife moved out also after 33 years of marriage. We have a business with all the stress of bills and all. No phone calls just emails when she needs something. I beat myself up daily aftet all if I was a better husband she would have never left.
Be encouraged that she wants you to go to the festival with her.
I would encourage you to get into counseling to gain the skills she is looking for in a husband. You'll be better for it as you perfect your personality for whatever the future holds

Hugs.Sorry your heart is hurting.

I am intrigued reading this - I am on the other side of the coin, you could be my husband for all I know!!!<br />
<br />
I am recently separated also - a separation I initiated. My husband, like you, was loving, respectful and treated me well - but every day I died a little more of boredom. I wanted t light a fire-cracker under his 4ss, there was just no spark in him.<br />
<br />
I contemplated leaving him for years but could not bring myself to do it - our relationship was lovely in every way bar the spark. I was 30 years old and felt about 80 years old.<br />
<br />
So - in what, with hindsight, I see as a last-ditch ply for his attention I initiated this separation but it backfired. He did as you have done, didn't stand in my way, only mildly attempted to double check I meant it and now I am gone.<br />
<br />
If you truly want your wife back - and it sounds to me like she is a little like me, loves you but is unfulfilled for some reason in the marriage - then it might be worth considering changing tack and fighting for her? My husband didn't fight for me and it didn't draw me back, it just made me livid and confirmed my reasoning to me that he has no fire in his belly and never will.<br />
<br />
I'm not much happier now and all I am left with now is the feeling that maybe he didn't love me after all. Part of me desperately wants to run back to the safety of the marriage but I'm too angry at him for letting me go (I know how unreasonable that sounds!!) to even consider that now.<br />
<br />
I hope this has been of some thought-food to you as you decide what course of action is best to take. I've learned that men and women read each other's behaviours very differently!!!<br />
<br />
I truly wish you the best of luck x x x

How do I fight for her, properly with out making her angry or feel like I trying to control her?

Sometimes women feel like that relationship hasn't become important to the husband. I know this is what is going on with me and I hope it works out. The more my husband pushes me the more I pull away. Hope it works out

After 31 years of marriage, I've left my husband. A successful marriage takes a lot of work from both parties. Open, honest communication is the key to success. Marriage counselling will help get to the root cause of your wife's unhappiness. The road may be painful for both of you but the reward at the end of the road is priceless.<br />
It takes 2 to make a marriage succeed.

Moving out need not be the end of the relationship. This could be a great opportunity for personal growth for both of you - especially you. Try being her friend and do things together. She will start missing the bond. Make sure she is more important than the actual relationship. I am sure things will work out for you. Will definitely take a lot of patience and time.Best wishes and stay strong.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, especially since it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship over all. I have been separated for almost two years this time and I am patiently waiting for my divorce to be final. I had endured abuse, addiction and adultery and felt I had to let go. It has been almost 23 years of marriage. He did tell our oldest daughter that I shouldn't have let him benefit from our life at home while he was out doing his own thing all the time. I thought that I was trying to leave the door open for a reconciliation. My mistake I guess. Something you should consider about your situation. She shouldn't have all of the benefits of the relationship without being there with you. Everyone is different though, just something to think about. I hope that it works out for you and wish you the best. I want to be able to move on but I can't until my divorce is final. He has already but I can't until I have closure and this is final.<br />
Take Care! Jordan

Here is the tihng that alot of people fail to remmeber. Although you are married and have become one, that doesnt mean that you have to do everything together. Everyone needs an outlet outside of home. I think this is a great thing for both of you. This is your chance to court her. For some reason courting has gone out the window, women love this. Take this time to date your wife again. Also allow yourself to take advantage of this time and reflect on who you are and what you want in life. I think this is a great thing. It sounds to me that this is going to make your marriage even stronger. <br />
Look at it as step to a long lasting marriage.

Mano: It is cruel and selfish to move out on a loved one without discussing the move beforehand and giving the left-behind-spouse fair warning to prepare his or her self for the parting. Your wife has mixed emotions about leaving her home and moving into an apartement, but her actions belie a long term problem. My advise: ask her to go to marriage councelling. If she refuses, prepare yourself because she in not coming back.

My take is until she is ready to completely reveal to you what her issues are this cannot be repaired. Make her tell or move on.

When i left my husband I was very upset even though I was the one who walked out. it is a very difficult time for both of you...she is probably feeling as lost and lonely as you are - although you have the added feeling of abandonment. I dont think it is fair of her to just walk out giving a list of reasons and then expect you to just do things with her. It would be different if she had sat you down and told you that she needed some space and was moving out for a while - that she wanted you to remain close while she was working out what she wanted etc - but instead she just left...and you have no idea what she wants or expects to happen - so on top of you dealing with her being gone you are also in limbo so to speak because you dont know what to do - should you talk to her and hope she eventually comes back - should you cut all contact and hope that moves things along. I assume that you want her back - you love her very much and cannot see a life without her - but don't allow your love for her give her permission to mess you around. She has to be straight with you and tell you what she is thinking and what she wants. If she honestly doesn't know then tell her that you will not have any contact for a certain amount of time - even only a few weeks - to give her space. I just think that you need to find out where you stand and make your own decisions based on that - you probably feel helpless enough already without allowing her to call all the shots. Don't just passively react to the situation - decide what you want and see what the best course of action is to get you there.

You aren't responsible for her happiness, anymore than she is yours. Is she willing to seek counseling to help you both figure out why she is not happy in the relationship anymore? I feel you both would benefit from it. Also has the friend also gone through similar changes in her life? I am not placing blame but it pays to look at all the factors.