I am so cross with my husband for smoking, because it was this that killed him, he was so fit, his doctor sent him to a cardiologist in May and he was able to do the treadmill etc. Atrial Fibrillation was diagnosed. An x-ray was taken but just over 2 months later he was died from lung cancer. I believe that the cancer should have been spotted at time that AF was diagnosed as it was the cancer that was causing the AF and the cardiologist should have considered this, just maybe something could have been done. This goes round and round in my head, also his doctor knew that he smoked but never once told him to give up, no advice nowadays, just give the facts and let people make up their own minds, people go to their doctor for advice on what is best for them, we all know the statistics, but mostly we do not take it on board.
I am in so much pain, how does one continue to live after being with someone for nearly 52 years and married for nearly 50 years. My husband did everything for me, about ten years ago he said to me" when we married I gave you my life" and it was true, he did, and I gave him my life too. I just pray that death comes to me soon, that I am not forced to live on to become very old. How can I come to terms with the grief. I just want him back and to have him kiss me and cuddle me, to be there in the evening, to spend quiet times together, to wake up together, to o the ordinary things, like shopping, going for coffee, a walk, out for a meal, never again will we do these things, it is so hard.
dbkmb dbkmb
70+, F
1 Response Aug 16, 2014

Another beautifully written bitter sweet memoir. Tell me did you have children?

We have a daughter and two grandchildren.

Are they important to you -- are you in contact? He appreciates you speaking of him in the present tense. He says, "yes a beautiful daughter and 2 beautiful grandchildren -- our grandchildren."

Yes, very important and I see our daughter and granddaughter every day, our grandson is at boarding school, he is home every two weeks for the weekend. Our grandchildren miss their granddad very much.

Does it ease your pain to be with them?

No, not really.

I think you are from the UK am I correct?


Your daughter and your grandchildren would miss you very much too.... I lost my mother to a brain tumour. She was 73.
My relationship has built back up with her and my father but the transition was devastating.
For a long time I was so haunted by those last images and experiences in which she was already so lost to us that I felt very much the way you described yourself feeling.
I know your memory of the vigil you kept is still overwhelming.
It made it easier for your husband but he's sorry for what you suffered.
He will never leave you again. He's very passionate and very much in love with you still--he's utterly devoted.
He wants you not to remember him that way..it's hard but so important that you begin to reconcile he is not there he's all around.

Do you ever feel you could now live for your daughter and grandchildren? Believe me they need you they love you..

No, not really, I love them but without my husband my life is bleak and so lonely. When he was here he was the centre of my life and still is, and then my daughter and the children were very important but now not so much, I just want to join my dear husband

Of course..

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