Nervous Energy Making Me A Clown

I'm in what I call "stand-up comedian mode" at the moment. I can't even send an email to anyone without being at least slightly comical or outrageous. It's almost a manic state. I've been like this for, well at least a week or so. I do have a bit of a comedian in me but it's not usually this pronounced. I'm usually the one that sits in the corner not saying much and then, bang, I'll deliver some kind of comical observation that makes people laugh (or not).

I wouldn't mind but I'm starting to get on my own nerves - so who knows what the people on the receiving end are thinking! It's good to feel positive after recent events but I don't think this is grounded in genuinely positive feelings. Seems to me that it's just nervous energy desperately looking for an outlet. I've arranged to do loads of things with friends and acquaintances over the next month or so, social events etc. But I'm kind of wondering if I shouldn't just be sitting at home and trying to deal with this energy in other ways - exercise, singing, whatever. Because sooner or later my mouth is going to run away with itself and I'm going to make a real fool of myself. If I haven't already done so. I've seen this before at certain points in my life so I know the signs.

I used to be able to put a check on myself and what I came out with, but it's getting more and more difficult. I can see a direct connection to the grieving process. It's a path - albeit a crooked one - towards showing people around me how bad I actually feel. But not everyone's going to understand because they don't know I'm recently widowed. My friends know, my acquaintances probably just think I'm a bit kooky right now. There are certain people who are becoming more important to me who I'd like to tell, but I have to pick my moment. What if that moment comes after I've "exploded" in some way? How can I turn off the "pressure cooker"?

artdeco artdeco
Feb 9, 2010