Messed Up - Again

I'm feeling really bad right now, and a lot of it's my own doing. If you've been following my posts at all you'll know that I have been struggling with my feelings about men and sexuality in recent months, and that I had a short affair with a very unsuitable guy. And now I've just embarked on a new "relationship", admittedly with a guy who's more suitable and mature and stable than the first, but even so. When will I get into my thick head that now is NOT the time, that I'm still very far from ready? I've been crying most of the morning about all this, and I'm dreading meeting up with him tomorrow because I'm probably going to have to tell him that I can't do this right now. Or at the very least that we're going to have to take things extremely slowly. I've no idea how he'll react because I've given him the impression that I'm very much into him, which I am on some level - on another, I'm absolutely terrified, which I suppose is no reflection on him personally, just a reflection of my general state of mind. We have been intimate already but not "gone the whole way", so to speak, and I get the feeling that's kind of what he's expecting tomorrow. Boy, is he in for a shock when I drop the "bombshell" of my widowhood, how my head and body and soul are totally messed up, how I spend most days fighting away the tears. At the same time, at least I'll see his true colours through his reaction to all this. But I can't say I'd blame him if he ran a mile. Who wants to be a therapist? I certainly don't want him to be MY therapist (if necessary, I'll call up my real therapist - maybe I should right now!). But I can't just pretend that none of this exists, that everything's fine, that I'm up for a relationship and sex and everything. Thing is, I really don't know anymore what I want. Confused doesn't even come close. I think I want intimacy and friendship but not sex. Maybe he'd be prepared to give me those things, but not in the long term, not without the rest of it. i just hope he understands that I'm not messing him around for the fun of it. I really am quite simply messed up right now.

artdeco artdeco
36-40
1 Response Feb 16, 2010

Thanks dainbramadge, I've decided to tell him tonight about being a widow and see how he reacts. And then just take it from there. Not panic and finish it with him. As you say, it's OK to make mistakes, and at least if I'm upfront with him now, he'll know that there's a possibility that things may not work out as planned.