Everyone's Favourite Trainwreck (or Don't Judge Me, I'm Grieving)

It's me - again. My latest affair has just ended and I'm seriously starting to go off the rails. And, of course, it's very little to do with the guy personally. With THAT guy at least.

I ended it because "we're too different", usual kind of thing. He was in agreement. Then I started regretting it (I often do, but it doesn't usually get this out of control). Then my grief kicked in again, triggered by all this crap. No longer sleeping at night, crying most of the time. But I got a wake-up call, which I'll describe now.

Went to a party on Saturday night. Got totally wasted and ended up in the bedroom, bawling my eyes out. Fortunately, I had some good friends around me (thankfully not my fling - that would have been extra humiliating). They put me in a taxi, made sure I got home in one piece. But still. Haven't been that wasted in years, with memory loss and all.

Phoned some of the people at the party on Sunday - seems I didn't make too much of a fool of myself. Thanked those who needed thanking, especially one poor guy who ended up sitting in the bedroom talking to me about my late partner. Talk about a party pooper.

Spoke to my fling on Sunday night and told him about it. Then I got something from him on Monday, something that he wrote, that made me think that maybe he too had regrets about us splitting up. That's when I really started losing it.

So I wrote him a real "trainwreck" email - won't go into detail but it was enough to test even the most loyal and understanding friend (our main issue has been not meeting on an emotional plane, so this was a major test for him). I just wanted to confirm that I'd done the right thing by finishing it with him. Turns out that I did - he still just wants to be friends. So now I know and can try to recover and move on. Except that I'm not recovering from him really. This is still 90% about grief.

He called yesterday, but we didn't have a chance to talk because I was at work. So I'll call him tonight and explain more. Except he won't really want to hear it. What I really want to say is that fine, we can be friends, but I want to know that I can count on him in that case. I don't do things by halves - even with friends, I'm in it for the long haul. And I'm too vulnerable right now for fairweather friends. But I know I can't make that kind of demand.

What I'll probably say is that all I want is to just have a chat sometimes, and do music with him, and maybe occasionally get a friendly hug. These are the things I miss most from my partner (well, not the music part). I've got female friends who'll chat with me and hug me, but it's not the same. I don't want to get back with him, I just want these few small things. Because even if he isn't emotionally competent, I do find him intellectually stimulating. And I miss talking like that with a man. It is different somehow.

Two interrelated things I've learned here: I need to ditch the alcohol and I need to ditch the men (and as one tends to precede the other, as long as I stick to the first, the second will follow...). I need friends, nothing else. I've also booked an appointment with my therapist. So things will happen, and things will change.

Nine months down the line, I didn't expect it to be like this. I expected grief to be some kind of sliding scale, peaking at the moment of death and descending thereafter. How wrong I was. It really is living up to the rollercoaster cliché.

artdeco artdeco
Mar 11, 2010