God is an *******, ******-up **** and Life - Me

Here's one of my streams of consciousness the other day. I was thinking "how the **** does anything happen?" and this is the (non serious) hypothesis I reached. I wrote this a couple days ago. If you're offended go away.

WARNING: The following piece is for mature audiences only:
Rating: R, XXX:
Sexually explicit
Condoning of drug use
Strong, indecent language very consistently

First of all, **** all the other bullshit the parents tell you, the bird ****** the beed, all of anything similar...whatever, **** that. Your dad ***** around one time and ***** your mom and **** into her so you're born. I realize there is some dip-**** naive ************* that plan for children but I am most certain that the percentage of planned pregnancies is pretty ******* low. Pretty ******* low.

But that's not the fun part to me, the fun part to me is how any type of traits and preferences, basically whatever determines what the person is as a ******* human being comes about. I like making that as morbid and ****** up as humanely possible. I know it's genetics but **** that, science is no fun. Religion is asinine and frankly I don't really give one **** how the world came out. Creationism, evolution...who the **** really cares? Honestly. You moronic ******* *****, who the **** cares? Just enjoy the ******* **** while you're alive, well and inhabiting this ************, don't ruminate on possibilities and study on how in the **** it got here, don't look for the origin. Who gives a ******* ****? Who CARES? Do people really need to know WHY and HOW every single ******* thing?

But anyway, I prefer using religion is this particular scenario, specifically Christianity in this case that way I may bastardize it. There is no way to mock Science. ****, I don't even know half the time what I'm even hearing or reading and besides that I just just don't give a ****! "SHUT UP!" Jesus Christ no one gives a **** about chemistry in the real world. Just shut the **** up and go "Hey man..." That's a normal conversation. But I like using religion because let's be honest it insults itself. "Insult to injury" more like "barrage of insults added to verbal damage". Now, here's what I pictured, I think it's an amusing thought. So lemme repeat...your dad **** into your mom, *********** into her. But here's what I ******* picture going on "up stairs":
God: Oh Jesus ******* Christ!
Jesus: What father?
God: Not you, ******* idiot..Jesus, Jesus! Jesus, I should have have let you ******* descend into hell and left your *** there. Ascend into heaven.

I'mma gonna stop here to explain. I don't know why but I picture God as bitter...ha ha...I don't know why, I just do. I picture him like "ah, ****" in some big *** chair with his hand in his face or something...miserable, you have to understand why I think that though, understand he created us (supposedly) meaning he might be a bit bitter about that choice considering we're such ******* imbeciles. AND not to mention for six ******* days he created **** and on the seventh day he took a break. Well on the day of the Sabbath...Sunday, what do people do? Attend church and there's literally millions of ******* prayers and everyday that **** happens. Imagine the biggest ******* head ache...prayers all day, everyday and stupid ****..************* asking for him like he's ******* Santa Claus or a Genie...like...don't you think you'd be just a little bitter? Anyway.....

God: ****!
Some Angel: What is it?
God: I can't believe this, these ******* people ******. Oh Christ.
Jesus: What?
God: Not you, Jesus, Jesus!
God: One of you get me the ******* bags...****.

Now, I have to stop here once again to explain...now here's how I think **** happens. It's what I thought of. **** genetics, I see God seeing two people **** and then grabbing a bunch of **** out of a few bags and throwing it on the kid and that's it.

Now there's a few bags all individually labeled conveniently for each thing pertaining to a person. For instance there's a bag of dicks and a bag of ******* and a bag of eyes...a bag of legs and arms...just every body part. Then there's personality related bags of ****...funny...witty...dramatic...perverted. And then there's a bag for talents. And I feel like some days God's really on it but other days he slips. You have to admit God is one of two things...a ******* ******* or incompetent. Because I think..no, **** that..I KNOW God has a sense of humor. And he's an ******* but I have to admit he must be legally obligated or he's bipolar...because he can literally make us however he wants. I picture like he's looking down..."alright that's gonna be a ****** baby" "I 'll give it rap skills...it'll like chicken". That's how I see it.

The reason..I'm so infatuated with this concept is because I was told as a child God created us. And my initial thought was "well, how the **** does he do it?". My parents gave me too much ******* ambiguity.. they weren't ******* specific. "It's not in the Bible" Well **** you then, shut up. That's something to ruminate and I did...I ******* did. I spent hours just like experimenting with possibilities...like how the ****? And the reason being when two people **** there's a new child "made" well if God creates us then how does that happen....is it infidelity? Like does God **** your ***** after you do. ...? Or does he take a baby from a shelf and stick it up her ***? Does he have a chore full of babies and he just reaches in and tosses one in her? Is there a machine in Heaven that dispenses babies...directly into the ***** with an invisible chord or some ****...? HOW? How does he ******* do it...?

But now back to my "God is an *******" argument. He is, he ******* is but I have to say he could **** us worse. He could. Because to him we are like a ******* Mr. Potato head! Like he could do whatever he ******* wanted...he could give us a **** for a nose and a nose for a ****...he could make our hair ******* naturally rainbowed...anything and he doesn't do that so he has a heart, he's either as I previously mentioned an ******* or incompetent. He likes ******* with us. He does. And I feel like...OK, either he's an *** or he's more human than perpetuated after all. Because you know if you're melancholy at work your work and products suffer. Same **** here. That's how ******* all these ******* birth defects happen and these ******* miscarriages, God gets lazy and he's an *******. That's why some kids are retarded. By the way that's what I ******* say, no ******* ADHD or some ****..no that's a retarded ************ right there. God's doing because the ************ gets bored, I don't blame the ************. I'd **** with us too. Just like *******..You get bored at work, what are you gonna do, behave? NO. God, man. I think he's an incompetent ******* actually. And too easily ******* persuaded. Let me give you a prime example of how much of an ******* God is. All women will testify to this ****. ****. ******* periods, ******* bullshit. It's a stupid ******* idea. You don't have to be female to know that ******* **** is stupid. Like whatever day that was on the table at the meeting, the ************ who suggested that was...******* high. ******* high.
Stoned Angel:God, God, I ******* got it man. I got it, I got it, ha ha
God: What the **** is it?
Stoned Angel: Why don't we make them ******* bleed out the *****?

******* *******, that chairman's meeting was ****** up, ****. But you know who's a bigger ******* than the ****** who suggested that? God, why? Because he went: "Oh that's a ******* great idea. Let's do it" Because the ******* **** a woman faces in the world isn't enough, right? Oh **** no, let's add that. ******* idiot, I swear to you. Jesus.

That's the ******* problem. All this ****. In any ******* sense...****. It's the ******* leaders in any ******* sense. And ****** go "we have a say in it" "try to be a little bit more optimistic". "People like you are the reason this country is...". First of all nobody has a ******* say in ****! But it's people like YOU that **** the **** up worse. **** voting, it doesn't do ****! When my parents told me that I was like "what, are you ******* kidding me?" Nobody even ******* knows if the ******* counter is plugged in down at the White House. Nobody ******* checks! Seriously. Everyone just assumes our leaders order the counting of the ****. Everyone assumes that people that could not ******* care less about you care immensely about you. That's what the **** is wrong with this ************* country. Idiots keep ******* breeding. Jesus, it's a ******* pandemic. No leader in any sense gives a ****, that's why God's is an *******. Things are ****** up, I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic. Pessimism is when you look at ****** up **** and go, "man this is ****** up ****." and drown in it. Realism is looking at ****** up **** and rolling with it. That's life. Life aint anything they tell you. Does it mean you have to be depressed? No, I mean...ya know..****'s gonna be ****** regardless so you might as well have a good attitude. Pessimism doesn't solve or prevent. I feel like "Roadhouse Blues" is lyrically underrated. Jim ******* summed it up "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer , the future's uncertain and the end is always near" That's it, right there. Teach that **** in school. That's the reality of life in one ******* three line stanza. That's it. "Let it roll, baby, roll". That's life, roll with the ****** up ****. That's life. That's why when teenagers go "life sucks". I want to ******* just ******* shoot em. They say **** too early, man. **** doesn't get easier. Life aint easy. In fact as a teen it's ******* easier. Usually unless you're like myself meaning when I was early in adolescence I was an adult mentally so I had deal with a whole nother thing...but it doesn't get easy but that doesn't mean it isn't fun. Anyway...

Back on the original subject, God is an *******. Then I'll end this bit/rant off....I just want to clarify I'm not ******* complaining. I am not. I don't give a ****. I'm glad God has a sense of humor, I could give a **** if he ***** with us...I just don't care. You can't. Don't take life too seriously. But what ****** me off is when people play the victim at God's hands. "God hates me" "I'm cursed". No, no,no,no. Everybody gotta ****** up life, we've all gone through **** and nobody's ******* perfect. Nothing varies except how ****** up you are and how bad fate rapes you and ***** you over. Everything's ****** up, everyone's ****** up and life is a *****,That's it. Life sucks man, people suck...just ******* roll with it. Don't give a ****. I'm not saying bottle up pain, no, **** no. By no means am I saying that. Deal with it but don't let it consume you. Take some time periodically to cry, rant and yell. It helps you maintain or rather fake sanity. Life is short...Just find what you love, cross bridges when you get to em...have fun....I don't know or don't.

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1 Response Jan 9, 2013

You are brilliant...just read this aloud to somebody! Thank you for being you!