They Have All Left My Life.

For all my life I have been the black sheep in my family.  I admit I was rebellious, and yes had a wildish nature. 

I was brought up in a strict catholic family.  Communicating any type of negative emotion was not allowed.  I was not allowed to show anger.  I was severly punished or shunned any time I showed anger

Communication was very minimal & not encouraged, and very one-sided. 

I was spanked many times.  I got the belt, the wooden spoon, the fly swatter, the broom even.  I got to kneel in the corner; a few slaps across the face.  I also got my father's hand on my behind on many occasions.  What a way to live, in fear and unsure of myself and unsafe. 

When I think back, I still can't believe it sometimes.  I was filled with such aprehension.   

The nature of my upbringing was very hard to live with. The insistence on order and heavy-handed judgement & condemnation often resulted in disorder and I rebelled against what I saw as an attempt to control me or to tell me how to live. I often had difficulty as a teenagers and as a child as my need to let loose and create was never appreciated. 

This was a long time ago.  I have more than not moved on and let go. 

I do not have a relationship with anyone in my family as of today.  I was told today by the last member of my family that I was in touch with, that she no longer wants to talk to me and that I am not invited to her wedding.

Well it hurt!  It hurt a lot. 

I've done so much work on my self and my healing in this lifetime.  I only wanted someone to appreciate.  Someone in my family to acknowledge my efforts and achievements.  A little support.  It's not gonna happen.  I have to accept it and let it go.  Easier said than done.  "Lord, give me strength".

They have all left my life. 

 

PiscesDream PiscesDream
51-55, F
3 Responses May 16, 2007

Hi I am a cross dresser. When I was a child my parents were separated and i lived with my grandparents. I started out just liking soft sweaters or anything that was soft. No body in the family bothered to try and find out why I started dressing as a girl. My father spent more time going to bed with different women than he ever spent with me. In the years just before his death I tried to get answers from him but all he had to say was that the DR. that they took me to when I was 14 said that he thought I was ok which to me and every one concerned meant that I was not gay,which I am not so the problem was never solved. Two days after my father died the rest of the family said they never wanted to see my F---------- face again. So I say thank god I was never one of them anyway and I live my life. Take Care Samantha

wow, you could've just been describing me and my childhood...Catholic-guilt, lack of communication, spankings and all. But, an interesting (to me anyways) twist is that I am still involved w/ my family (not my Dad) but keep my distance from them all, emotionally, spiritually and...I've left my hometown, now free of all of their high-stress, chaos and bullsh*t.

Thank you for saying that. I will try to think of it that way. "It's their loss!" In time, yes I will get stronger. <br />
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I know it's tough not to have your family around. Yet, sometimes it's for the best. <br />
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We are strong, right? <br />
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Please take good care