Trial And Error

All my life, I was told I was someone special, that I could be anything I wanted to be if I just tried. Like any child would, I believed this, I tried my hardest so I could be what... whatever I would decide later on in life to be. Come to the end of highschool and I do not know what I want to be, my grades are decent, could be better but i had long stop trying, i saw little point in it, untill the exams themselves, then I worked my butt off, got the grades I needed. Heading into college i thought "I proved them all wrong, I am something special" ... It ended up just being luck.

College was no easy ride, I did the same what I did with High School, tried where I needed to, and I bearly suceeded. I only chose out of what was available with no set plan, other then one idle dream: computer games design. I somehow got the grades I needed to get onto that course in university... where I find I just couldnt understand codeing, despite trying and failing at it for three years... I gave up.

I then figured: If i cant do what i dreamed of doing, I'll do something I can use in any work enviroment. So i applied for a business course... somehow getting onto it. I failed my first year due to problems in a relationship distracting me, I passed my first, did my second... ran out of funding for my third, couldnt do it, no money. By then, i ended my relationship, it wasnt going anywhere I wanted it to.

Since then, three years on, nothings changed. Sure, I am out of my overdraft now, after years of scrimping and saving, but I have nothing to show for 6 years of effort other then a load of doomed relationships that never lasted over a year. One ended quite recently in fact, long distance, she began falling out of love, and falling for someone closer to home... If I were "special", would I not have been worth the effort I was putting in to it?

Despite all my efforts, ive been unable to find a steady job, because they always take on someone with more experience... My brother has a kid, my older sister is pregnant and owns her own home and even my younger sister has her own house now... nothing has changed for me in years, nothing has gone right... If I were "special" like I was told I was, then things would not be such a struggle.

Im not special, I am just me, this is my life. A life of trial and errors.
Paragon010 Paragon010
22-25, M
1 Response Dec 1, 2012

Nicely written in spite of the "Trial and Terror" as I call it. Yes ... you are more special than you realize. You may very well end up finding a job in a place that you have always hoped to live or dream of living. You are still very young yet. I am going on 58 shortly - ugghhhhh !!! When I was 19 I was hired in Toronto for a job out west. After they handed me my plane ticked, etc. they asked me where I wanted to live - Victoria or Vancouver (BC). I asked which was smaller ?? They said Victoria. I said "I'll take it". Three weeks later I ended up out here in November of 1974. A friend taught me to ride a motorcycle when I was 24. Well ... the thing died every time I took it out. It would just seem to fold it's bars (like elbows) and decide that you can leave me here or push me home. After many times of pushing the thing home it made me realize - either give it up or learn how to fix it. Off I went to Motorcycle School in Daytona Beach, Florida (AMI which is now renamed WyoTech). Everything I had ever failed at in school suddenly had a "tangible" meaning and I aced math - all those equations - no problem. Huh "?". Don't be so hard on yourself. You have explored different avenues as young as you are. It's like tasting different foods at a Smorgasbord. I am sure in time ... something will trigger another answer for another direction. Follow the different paths - you just never know what will lead you to where you truly want to be. Just follow your heart and your desires ... I think it will surprise you. Yes - I have had many relationships - hits very close to home for me and I do understand. Yes - you are worth it. Her loss. It does take time for things to fall into place. I am no expert by any means ... just relating to what you wrote and it sure got me thinking. Although I am female - my interests have been more practical into the male interests. I am not a "tomboy" as people have called me sometimes. I just like to fix things and have a more meaningful life than a lot of other females. No disrespect intended to any other female is intended. Not all of us are cut out to have kids. I knew when I was 6 years old that I would never have any kids ... as I was pulling all the tubes out of the old TV(s). I was a curious kid that wondered how everything worked. No female influence in my life for cooking or anything of the nature. Cars, Drag Racing and I also loved riding my bicycle. I got into Horseback Riding ... which naturally led to riding a motorcycle. I had to ride that thing up to take car driving lessons. No one taught me how to drive a standard - I just got in and flipped my brain upside down. Ya - sure I stalled it a few times - I miss carburetors. Fuel injection is embarrassing - Okay - give me a minute and it'll start - so I learned (hopefully). I have had many male mentors that have taught me so much. Who knows - you may end up as a Master Chef ?? Us females like to watch our weight - you can have the cooking part if you so desire. Just some thoughts for you. Ya - you are special but then again ... I always like to hear it from the male brain. Us females do need to know how you guys think. It really does help us - more than you realize. "Thank You" for sharing ... it made me think about a lot of things. Ya - my spirits fluctuate too ... but I read what you wrote and you kinda grounded me today. That is a talent and a gift in itself ...

Oops ... sorry about the length of this ... YIKES !!!!!! (Darn typo's - I think I got them all).

Thanks for commenting, it helps when people can look at the jist of what my life has been and help point things out and put things in perspective for me.

I do realise that despite my outlook on life compared to people my own age, I am still only young. People seem to push the fact that everything has to be done and decided while you're in your 20's, and if you dont, you end up a failure. As much as I know that isn't true, seeing the sucess of those I know in my family and my age is a bit of a downer when I look at myself. Thank you for sharing your story with me, gives me a bit of hope that the future may hold something more for me, even if it is a more distant future then I would have liked.

My problem is, i don't have any goal in my heart to follow. My dreams were simple: move to the states, marry the girl I was with, start a family. Unfortunatly, that dream was shattered, and its nigh impossable for someone like me to be able to just up and move over to the States, so much red tape and "you must meet this criteria". I suppose i'll have to see what life has in store for me and what I can do with whats presented.

Yup - Well - ya never know "?". I married a fella from Sequim Washington (pronounced Squim) and immigrated him to Canada in 1988. He passed away just over one year ago (Alcoholism, etc. - I saw it coming). It was a bit of a "Marriage of Convenience" and we were divorced in 1991 but he remained in Canada. I had to Divorce him - I signed a paper stating that I would be responsible for him for 10 years. We met again on and off through the various years. We did have some time together in the last few years of his life. We did remain friends - you can't tie a Sagittarius down and Taurus people are a unique breed - I have known many Taurus people. Ya - I can imagine that "Pier Pressure" would be high for you in this day and age. I sure feel for you youngin's. Things are much different now than when I was your age. I never thought I would get to this age, but ya know ... I am still the same person as I was when I was younger - in thought anyway. I didn't have any goals, no incentive, no encouragement. I was just a fat ugly kid with a face full of zits. Not fun. I dropped out of school because I didn't want to be seen by anyone - I just couldn't take the comments about my complexion. Now - I get nothing but compliments on how nice it is - ya - I lucked out that way. Don't worry about having a goal ... something will kinda smack you in the face (just an expression) when you least expect it. Don't wait for that to happen - like watching water boil. Okay - my male fix is "Hugh Laurie" from England. He has to fake an American Accent and when he is on talk shows - so strange to hear him talk with his English accent. He thought that he was just going to be part of a series - not the main character !!!! He has quite the following now. That one kinda wacked him upside of the head - what a surprise. Hang onto your dreams ... Get yourself a helium balloon and write all over it with a felt pen. Anything you want to write on it - go for it. Then - when you feel like it - you can let it go up into the sky and watch which direction it goes. You can do this any time (any hour too) that you like and as many times as you would like to. It is like sending a message in a bottle - you can do that too - you just never know where life is going to take you. I have been running around the bottom of the barrel and yesterday I started climbing up the sides. I am only part way up but at least I am not at the bottom anymore. I have been down there for over 2 years. Sometimes things need to be talked out for closure for yourself and to move on. Whatever you think will work for you - do what you gotta do. Thoughts are with you, and you are definitely not alone. Hang in there ... for some silly reason I am smiling and I have an image of you smiling too. Someday ... yup ... :-)