I Am Not a Feminist

My Personal Story - To All The Female Feminist Haters!

By: lagatta

Written on August 14th, 2012

I was brought up in a strict old school, Sicilian household. I was taught that I was supposed to be subservient. I was not allowed to express my own opinion. I didn't have any rights.

Both my brothers' education was paid for while I was encouraged to learn to cook and clean. Although I had a high IQ and was very inquisitive, I was told I needed to learn domestic skills and that education was not important. My sole role in life was to be a support to men. Subsequently, my education was not paid for or encouraged.

Both my brothers were not responsible for any domestic chores. I was supposed to serve them, clean up after them and be happy about it. They got to go out and have fun. They got to date and sow their wild oats. I was expected to remain a virgin until marriage.

Women in my culture took the responsibility for their brothers. Some even sacrificed their life. Yes, they didn't get married and sacrificed their life trying to financially support them while their brother's could be irresponsible. However, because I didn't do so, I was labeled a rebel.

I was also solely responsible for a man's response to me. So yes, if I got raped,it was my fault. I must have done something to encourage him. So I tried very hard not to be attractive but sometimes no matter how hard I tried I still came across as attractive to men and apparently it was MY fault. I almost got raped when I was 17 and I was grounded for a year because of it.

I thank feminism for giving me a voice. No, they are not always right! No, men are not always jerks. And women are not better than men But I am happy they gave me a voice. I am happy that they gave me the me the opportunity for education and freedom of choice. That I now know that I don't have to serve men and can be myself.

I am a fairly traditional and ejoy nurturing children/ relationships and I like making my house a home. But I also know that I can have opinions; I can have a career if I want and I can have choices and a voice.

In some cases I think that feminism has gone too far. When feminism puts down good men and says that they are inferior this is just ignorant. But let us not forget all the wonderful things feminism has done for women too. Let's just be balanced and agree that women and men are a partnership and complimentary.

Thank you!

By: lagatta

Age: 36-40 , Female

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48 responses

gypsyblu

guy.....>My personal views, on the other hand, are that for a relationship involving a man and a woman to truly work and be blessed with happiness and contentment...a more traditional relationship is needed. the man in my life will always come first.
gypsy...>as I understand, you believe to truly have a happy marriage, a women has to have a traditional marriage ? and your man comes first?
my comment to your happy traditional/man comes first theory is this...> all the women I know who are feminist, don't frown upon women who put their husbands first... as matter of fact iv never heard such rhetoric coming from them .. that being a feminist means not putting your husband first ..
its always been about having same opportunities as a man has. not treating the man in their life indifferent, as matter of fact, they all have very compatible, marriages that work for them. and I have not seen any evidence of them treating their husbands as if they didn't matter to them.

Mar 5
2 likes
gypsyblu

omg god can I so relate to this, I too was raised to be the help mate, as a child!

I was only girl among 6 kids at the time, like your brothers they were allowed to do what ever the hell they wanted to do ..
not having any parental guidance they became hell raisers ( stayed in trouble) I cooked, cleaned and was even a second mom to my siblings. I had no childhood
I see it as a form of abuse when a female child is made to be treated like a maid/nanny.

Mar 5
3 likes
- lagatta
  I don't think my parents actually knew any better at the time. They have changed over the years! Unfortunately, however, it left a mark on our personalities. I'm far to self-sacrificing to my own detriment and my brother is too demanding and expected the same special treatment outside the home and had troubles conforming and adjusting to the world. So really, it wasn't good for either of us.
  
  Mar 3
  1 like
gumshoejane2

I think this was wonderfully expressed. Thank you for sharing this.

Nov 17, 2012
3 likes
justbrowing9994

i find that feminist haters are easily eliminated from one's circle

Aug 15, 2012
3 likes
justbrowing9994

celebrate yourself...bravo!

Aug 15, 2012
3 likes
thatguy1970

What a tragic set of expectations for a young woman to live with. I think it is good that you rebelled against supporting irresponsible brothers and the other injustices in your culture at that time. However, I tend to turn away from the "-isms" in life (any organized movement with activists barking orders about how I should live my life). For example, feminism is said to be responsible for so much good in the USA, but I don't know if the things claimed as credit by the feminist movement wouldn't have happened anyway without an organized set of activists standing by, ready to accept credit. And I don't care how many people stand up on a soap box and tell me that I should not open a door for a woman, I will refuse to listen to them even if I am scorned by everyone. I feel that men and women have unique experiences and talents (unique to their gender) and I will certainly live out my role according to those unique talents and I look for the same attitude in a mate. Great story! :)

Aug 15, 2012
4 likes
- lagatta
  I 100% agree with you that guy! I love the differences between men and women. I love to feel feminine. And you can open the door for me anytime. :-)
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
Thatguy1970sDreamgirl

I think it is a delicate balance that a woman needs to achieve and it can be done. You can be an intelligent, strong, educated woman who has a career *and still be giving and have traditional values in regards to your personal relationships. The problem with feminism is those traditional values are not accepted. Our society as a whole rejects the idea of traditional roles between men and women. It encourages women to be independent, which to a certain degree is a necessity, but I think in a relationship between a man and a woman that sense of dependence is wanted and needed...by both people.

Aug 15, 2012
5 likes
- lagatta
  But I think it's so wrong when feminism doesn't accept traditional values. I think feminism should be something that teaches men to respect us, not change us. I don't want to be a man. I just want the right to education, respect and equality in a complimentary way.
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- Thatguy1970sDreamgirl
  I agree 100% with you. Every woman deserves respect and the right to pursue her dreams whatever they may be. It just seems to me that the fundamentals of feminism frown upon a traditional relationship between a man and woman. I strive to have both. I have an education and a job that reflects that, but by nature I am a giver...a nurturer...and I embrace that role as well, especially in my personal relationships.
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- Thatguy1970sDreamgirl
  I think you misunderstood me, I am not a "hater of feminism."
  When my children were small, I *chose to stay at home and care for them because I felt, and still do, that it was of the utmost importance. Once they were attending school, I returned as well to teaching. Again, that was my personal choice and I don't regret it. I love my job. I have excelled at it for nearly 17 years, day in and day out, along with raising a family and all of it's complexities.
  I believe wholeheartedly that women should have choices, and I agree with you that in the past those choices were not as readily available to us.
  My personal views, on the other hand, are that for a relationship involving a man and a woman to truly work and be blessed with happiness and contentment...a more traditional relationship is needed. A man must be treated as a man. If the woman treats him otherwise, the relationship, I believe, will be compromised. The same is true for a woman, a man must treat her as the woman she is.
  It is a balance, I am still a woman who has a career and is devoted to her job. But, to me my job is secondary, the man in my life will always come first. My devotion to him is a choice I make and happily so.
  And that is where I see a problem with feminism... in my experience, feminists frown upon a woman who chooses to put her man first, before herself.
  
  Mar 3
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  from my own experience its a juggling act between husband, kids, work and the little things that creep up in life... one hour my husband needs tending to, the next hour its the kids with their needs. on and on. its all depends on what is going on.
  
  all the women I know who are feminist, don't frown upon women who put their husbands first... as matter of fact iv never heard such rhetoric coming from them .. that being a femnist means not putting your husband first .. its always been about having same opportunities as a man has. not treating the man in their life indifferent.
  
  as matter of fact, they all have very compatible, marriages that work for them. and I have not seen any evidence of them treating their husbands as if they didn't matter to them.
  that guy, it seems to me you may be talking about the extremist or man haters who claim they are feminist. when in realty they are not.
  I would venture to say most marriages are not traditional these days, so therefore there are many marriages that do work, despite them not being traditional
  
  Mar 3
  1 like
- Thatguy1970sDreamgirl
  I think you are reading what you choose to into my words. I never said that feminists treated the men in their lives indifferently or as if they didn't matter. I stated that *some women, feminists or not, treat their men as if they are equal to them in every respect. Men and women are different, period. Women can expect choices in life and embrace them, but when it comes to being in a relationship, our differences become apparent. Women often miss the mark in treating their man as a *man. Women sometimes choose to emasculate a man with their words and actions, I feel.
  We all have different experiences that influence our personal views. I can understand your point of view, as I hope you can understand mine. Understanding doesn't make either of us right or wrong, opinions are just that...opinions.
  I choose to balance my life in a way that allows me to be a woman first, and my career second.
  As for marriages working these days? I think maybe you should research divorce statistics....marriage overall is declining and the rate of divorce is rising. As someone who has a background in the study of human behavior, I believe the lack of traditional roles within the home lends to those statistics.
  
  Mar 3
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  that guy...> fundamentals of feminism frown upon a traditional relationship.
  gypsy..>.what femms frowned upon are the men (and some women) who frown upon women who want to be more than a cook, maid and baby maker.
  the lines become fuzzy when the haters of feminism have convinced themselves that feminism is all about keeping women out of the home and it is not! its about enabling women to have a choice of traditional or work out side the home, to be able to mix the two together, where as once upon a time they had no choice to do so.
  the feminist group support the right to choose. where, at one time our history only supported women staying at home, with no choice to choose. they had to be home cooking, cleaning and having babies.
  now a days they have a choice, and can be open about it, where as if a women wanted to be untraditional back then, there was hell to pay!
  the haters of feminism have convinced themselves that feminism is all about keeping women out of the home and it is not! its about enabling women to have a choice of traditional or stay at home mom. or to be able to mix the two together
  
  Mar 3
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  yes marriage has been declining.... iv never said that marriage was or wasn't declining, but I also believe that most are not 1950s type of marriage these days.
  
  Mar 5
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  guy............>I choose to balance my life in a way that allows me to be a woman first, and my career second
  
  gyp....>yes,I understand being a woman and having a career. I am and always will be a woman, no denying that ! no matter what I do or say or places I go to... I AM WOMAN! doesn't matter if I put who or what first or last.... I am a woman!
  
  Mar 5
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  guy...........> I believe the lack of traditional roles within the home lends to those statistics.
  gyp...>lack or a traditional marriage (1950 being the totem example of traditional) since we are talking numbers now, so are you saying,
  since more and more women have worked and studied hard for their degree and they obtained a good paying job, do to the degree, that marriage declined and that is why less people marry these days ? do to women being better educated? that took advantage of their degree?
  I know if I had a daughter I would push her into getting a degree so in the event of not finding a partner, or her partner passing on, or in the event of not having any type of family to lean on, she could lean on her degree ! to help her self !
  I would not push being a house wife as a career because of the things I all ready listed, of course id teach her to do basic house work (just as I have taught my son to do basic house work ) but these days a woman needs more than a man and a high school degree to help her along in life.
  for example I didn't get married till late in life, so I had to support my self, I had no family or man to lean on.
  its not that I didn't want to get married, there just wasn't to many men in my circle of life, I worked with women and when I went home it was just me. and had to get ready for the next day of work. so not every female has the opportunity to get married, do to personal circumstances.
  
  Mar 5
  1 like
- lagatta
  I think we are missing a key component here. Women working outside the house also has to do with economics. Today, most households require two incomes. It is rare for women to even have the opportunity to choose to be a housewife. So Gypsy, you are very smart to encourage your daughter to get an education. She will need it. And yet, for the most part, women still do the great majority of the household chores. At least in my circle of real life friends. Also, I should point out, that these women not only work full-time, do most of the child rearing and household chores but also most of the decision making. So they are running the show. Not because they want to but because their husband's take a back seat and show no initiative.
  
  Mar 5
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  yes, I agree most men do seem to take the back seat in the home. (at least from my experience they do ) and I agree, women do seem to bare the burden of running the home along with their responsibility of their job they have out side the home.
  yes it cost to run a home, and many times it does take two incomes to afford to live. (if you ask any one of the so called M-R-A here on EPA they will blame the rising cost of living do to women having opportunity outside the home, but of course they don't see it as opportunity for women, they see it as downfall for men rights.)
  yep, I understand the last comment you wrote....>women not only work full-time, do most of the child rearing and household chores but also most of the decision making. So they are running the show.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  I raised my son as a single mom from the day one. I took him home from the hospital, it was me and him left to make it alone.
  
  I was both bread winner and house mom. did the home work time, bath time, get the child off to school time, PTA meeting time, weekend carpool time. I was both mom and dad.
  
  Mar 5
  1 like
- lagatta
  Well good for you for being able to do it on your own! Those MRA's probably also blame natural catastrophes on Feminism. lol
  
  Mar 5
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  lagatta yes they do ! or at least the ones here on EP do lol
  
  Mar 5
  1 like
10 More Replies
hylierandom

Somewhere along the way...feminism (the idea that we're all equal) seems to have morphed into femcentric thinking (women are MORE equal, thankya Orwell...).

We all ought to be treated with dignity and respect, we all ought to have the same opportunity to succeed, regardless of what naughty bits we have.

Aug 15, 2012
5 likes
- lagatta
  I wholeheartedly agree!
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
peza

Good for you !

Aug 15, 2012
4 likes
- lagatta
  Thank you!
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
CopperCoil

Great story. This is the good side of feminism. I'm glad you shared. We are all to be treated as equals and be able to pursue any interest we so choose regardless of gender, race, religion or sexual orientation. The true challenge of future civilizations will to be how to deal with socioeconomic disparates that have nothing to do with the differences stated above, but everything to do with the resources available to you. The have's and have not's will be the last bastion of discrimination humanity will need to conquer if it is to evolve into a world worthy of our grandchildren to live in.

Aug 15, 2012
2 likes
- lagatta
  I agree and really hope the world evolves that way.
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
TEMPOLTON

As a natural alpha I find that girls tend to love the aspects of me that society dictates as extream and harsh.... I find that I am the one typicaly GIVING....atention,affection ENERGY, while the aperance of things is skewed to apear as though I am the one taking... HOWEVER many "doms" are doing the same things with just a subtal shift in intent or desire and it turns ugly.... One must be carefull not to use someone that you care about MORE than what one can give..... So the real question(for me) is how much energy can I give and isTHAT worth the energy that I recive....

Aug 15, 2012
3 likes
- RedRubies
  Tempolton... you're a good guy ;-)
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- TEMPOLTON
  RED, I am a naughty fellow, and just becuse I have moments of deacancy ....*grins* .... Does not mean that you should go around ruining my REPUTATION
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- RedRubies
  Sorry... sorry... I meant you were rough, manly and dangerous. ;-P
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- TEMPOLTON
  LMAO ... So are you...
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- RedRubies
  I completely laughed out loud...
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- justbrowing9994
  no danger of that Tempolton...you can be easily seen right through to your grit
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
3 More Replies
TEMPOLTON

There are benifits and drawbacks to everything that is out of balance.... Usualy the benifits go to one and the drawbacks go to the other..... But SOMETIMES things are not what they seem.....* tips a metaphorical hat*

Aug 15, 2012
3 likes
- lagatta
  Bravo!
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
RedRubies

You have a very good point in that there are subtle patterns in society that often hinder women's choices in life. I note that you are quite young still, yet remember growing up in a situation where you were expected to sacrifice based on your sex so that your brothers could get an education.

I think it is harder today to notice injustices on an individual level, but over all, inequity still exists. We still have a lot of forces against women's rights i.e. reproductive rights, pay equity (I've experienced pay inequity first hand). As well, young women (even pre-teens) are constantly encouraged to sexualize themselves, rather than develop their intelligence and abilities and be respected in that manner. Feminism is often a catalyst that can help ease pressure to conform to these stereotypes.

As a submissive, non- feminist and career woman, I note that it is quite obvious that many top positions in government or companies are not proportionally represented by women. I could go on but you get the gist.

I dislike extremes on either side. I cringe when I hear "femi-nazis" blame men for ridiculous things or blow an innocent comment out of proportion. But when I hear people say "feminism needs to be done away with because I've gotten what I need out of life" well....it just highlights how far we still need to go. It's about choice, and having those choices protected and respected.

As LadyRyan stated, it's becoming to be egoistical for both extremes..

Aug 14, 2012
4 likes
- lagatta
  I agree 100% RedRubies! There needs to be a balance between the sexes! My hope is that it will happen one day soon!
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- RedRubies
  Thank you for sharing your story! The fact that you had these expectations on you growing up so recently should be a reminder that we still have a long way to go in regards to what women are expected to do. :-)
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- CrazyWaterSpring
  A balance between the genders really is overdue. Women are equals and not chattel to be controlled or "protected." "Feminazis" is a term that plopped out of Limbaugh's ***.
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- RedRubies
  Ok... I laughed when I read "Limbaugh's ***". And I agree.
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- lagatta
  And that today young girls are feeling unjustly wanting to please sexually young men them is just proving that feminism is not working rightly for women.
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- RedRubies
  Oh I feel terrible for the pressure young teens are under... it's a crazy world and they get pressured to grow up so fast :(
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
- lagatta
  I know, right? It's really gross. My sister-in-law told me that young girls wear different brackets according to their sexual experience. These girls are only 13 yrs. old!!!
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like
4 More Replies
ladyryan

I so believe in everything you've said. I think we all somehow can be reminded of the things we were unfairly treated, as inferior to men. I also have some of the things you had while growing up. Like, women in our clan doesn't have to pursue on higher education. Women have to stay at home and take care of the house and children. I have had seen my mother serve my father like a king when he's at home. And so much more.

But Things has taught me a lot, about equality and kindness. I love taking care of my family and at the same time, doing things for myself to be happy as an individual. Rather being influenced by what is trendy, I see myself looking at the pitfalls. Going through all, not only the positives, but also the negatives. Though I have nothing against the Feminist, having the universal banner for human rights in general. But this things are just getting too far. And it's becoming to be egoistical for both extremes.

Aug 14, 2012
3 likes
- lagatta
  I agree feminism has gone too far; but it is helped us get us to where we are we are today! We now have choices and we can now chose to be career women or stay at home at homes moms. Anyone who thinks a stay at home mother is inadequate is truly not a Feminist. We should have choice. Although like I said, I am more traditional and would prefer to stay at home with the children because I am truly better with them!
  
  Aug 14, 2012
  1 like
- RedRubies
  Exactly....
  
  Aug 15, 2012
  1 like

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