I Am Not A Nice Guy...never Was Nver Will Be

Let me start with my childhood, i was always second choice to my mother who loved my younger brother and always favored him. i remeber the blame i indored when he would commit an act and blame it on me, my mother would always beleive him. i grew up being the black sheep, very hateful and resentful of others i was picked on threw out elementry to 10th grade high school. i was oblivious of my future due to my mental state of years of depression. i remeber i said if i can just make it threw today without being hurt ill be fine, i was always being suspended or displined for somthing stupid. i always talked bigger than what i was, acting tougher than what i was completely numb to ithers thoughts or emotions. i remeber my first gril friend louis i didnt know her name three days in our relationship, so sad to think i thought it was funny. i eventually broke up with her when things became serious. my secound was beth the one who broke my heart for the first time, i was broken hearted for 3 months. eventually i was kicked out the school and had to go to another, where i was completely oblivous to my physical transformation. i was handsome for the first time of my life and was feared by many dur to my physical appearence. most people respected me for that i was popular and acted any way i want. eventually i started to skip school everyday to avoid my acdemic failure. the 12th grade is where i wised up and finished my high school deploma. i went on to college and continued my education where i went threw many trails of life. i was kicked out of my house once again do to my mother favoring my brother. the story was my car was in the shop i took my brothers car out for a night drive with some friends and bam i was kicked out the nexted day. i moved in with two girl twins fell for one then the other later both were out of their minds. i suffered humliation and heart ache with them. later i returned home. i began school again and recived good marks i then did terrble the next semster and the good again and better. now i am in my last semster for my aa not a high acheivement in acdemics but one step closer to my goal. this year i have troubled my self with love once more and my trust issues have taken over. i no longer feel that i am capable of trusting the other sex i hurt constintly knowing i have feelings for them and so is my destiny to live alone. i will suffer the greatest fear of all in some minds, but i will live the greatest life in my own. will i be bitter or will i be happy. should i continue trying to love or should i continue living lonley. i veiw it as one way or another i will suffer some sort of pain, bette rthe pain i have inflicted on myself rather than the pain inflected by another. i was told that i am running but i feel as i am protecting my self and my well being i must function regardless so why effect my preformance with unnessary feelings. what will i choose..... i have already hurt my lover with my words and i didnt relize it why am i so oblivious to other emotions, because others have been oblievious to mine. the world has made me the way i am and not even all the apologies in the world can change me i have become competive for the sake of destroying others and out shining my peers, my good nature is dead and i remeber why. god has chosen my path to be a hard and rightous path i will domenate my future and destroy all who oppose me.pain is my fuel and hate is my motivation. for those who read this i hope u will never live a life so unrested so demented as mine, i will go on to judge demean the weak and attack and disable the strong a life of hate is a life of pain and a life of love is a life of pain, my sins are known by god and i will wait his judgement for my first sin is my own hubrus. if you can relate in the feelings i have listed, if you are hatefull spitefull jelous of others, if you cannot stand or feel pain that a person is better off than you, if u judge or put down others and it makes you feel superiour, if you steal lie or disrespect your parents if you relate your self to me you are a bad person with a bad perspective of life i pitty you as i pitty my self. we will never understand the feelings of others because we are beyound thier mental understanding. we are the people in wall street we are the people in government and big coperations we employ under age childeren to make shoes we out source. and they may ask why why do you feel so proud to do this. because i want you all to suffer and feel the pain i want you to miss your house payments i want you to watch your childeren starve. my love is for me and my sympathy is for me its all for me!

thestart thestart
22-25, M
Mar 10, 2010