Why Trust, They Will Always Hurt You In The Long Run

I am not a trusting person in general. One of my co-workers made an immense effort to break down my wall and get into my heart. We became good friends several years ago when we worked in the same unit, we lunched and took breaks together every day. I was transferred to another unit and things still were good. Then she became close with someone else in her unit. I was being pushed out. Ok. We're still friends. Then it became that I needed to make advance plans for breaks and lunch.

One day we had advance break plans and she called. I was away from my desk but heard the phone ring and called back immediately. She had already gone with the new friend. When I had asked why she said she needed to get money and he was going and well, "you know how the unit is, sometimes it gets busy". I happened to have to leave something on her desk and noticed the schedule on the wall and saw that it happened to be a really slow day. She lied to me. We argued, She said I was wrong. Our friendship was cold for a period but then she came back and things went well until she had done something again and I told her she was selfish. Again, I am 100% wrong. I think that was the beginning of the end. We never got together and almost every effort I made was turned down. Yet, I kept trying, maybe too much. I think because I had never had a friend I cared about so much before and I had never had a friend who cared about me. Not love or infatuation, but the actual caring was what attracted me.

She always made me feel that I was at fault. During a conversation I pointed out that I had asked to get together for lunch at one point but she said she had plans with someone else, she would cancel because she would rather go with me to which I said don't cancel, that would be rude. Does she do the same with me? She said that is comparing apples to oranges as we are friends and they are acquaintances. (She had also said at one point which I did not mention that she needed a transfer because she was infatuated with her new friend and once she is transferred she willl move on to someone else. This is what I feel she did with me).

Well, we just had a final argument, she broke up with her girlfriend, and had promised to put books on her kindle. She couldn't do it. I offered my help. I went to my friends house, put the books on and left as it didn't seem that she wanted company. I then got texts from the ex-girlfriend about putting movies on the kindle. I tried to help over the phone, but it didn't work. the ex said she had removed one of the books and when she gets back from her trip can I e-mail it to her. I did. Then she couldn't get onto her kindle. She e-mailed me for help again. I tried to help, to no avail. But I wasn't going to drive ut to her and do it. We weren't friends, never were. I then don't hear from anyone for 2 days and since the original offer was for the 3 books which I did, I shot the ex-girlfriend an e-mail that I assume either she got the book on or she received assistance elsewhere so she is welcome for my assistance and good bye. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I had felt so used at that point.

My freind gets mad at me because I said I would help, but now I won't. In all actuality, I did what I said I would do. My friend has refused to speak to me since and won't tell me why. I e-mailed to her that as usual, I am always 100% at fault. She then said that she wasn't going to feed into this and that we are no longer friends. I said that she had no right to be mad at me, I did nothing wrong. She said we are not friends anymore.

Fine. We agreed to be polite at work and not bad-mouth each other.

I had gotten to the point that I think I was grasping at straws of a friendship anyway since the only time I had heard from her was a good morning e-mail, then nothing unless she needed something and that I was being used. She of course disagreed but stated that we are not friends anymore.

I let the wall down and was stabbed in the chest by a friend while she looked into my eyes. She didn't care.
(Just to clarify, She is gay, I am a straight female married with a child, and the new friend is male, if any of this makes any difference).

The problem is I have OCD and keep replaying this wondering if there is anything different I should have done, even though deep down I know this would have ended anyway. I just can't get it out of my mind.
deleted deleted
May 8, 2012