Veggies Evolve

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In a scary and astounding show of evolution, vegetation of various sorts have started to defend themselves. It was first noticed in the vast farming plains of southern Illinois, were farmers reported injuries ranging from severe itching to five inch gashes inflicted by their own crops. Shane Williams, one of the first farm producers to come forward with this story, tells the tale of an entire patch of his cabbage becoming explosive to the touch.

“I was going about my regular business when I came up on my cabbage patch. Everything was lush and I thought how nice a profit this crop was gonna bring. I thought something was wrong when I stepped in the patch and heard a bit of a rattle, like the one you hear when a rattle snake is near. Well, I was real careful and looked everywhere, when the coast was clear I started gathering. It didn’t take me long to realize the noise was coming from the cabbage and when I put it up to my ear, it exploded! It ripped the dang thing right off my head. I was lucky to make it back to the farm before I bled to death. I thought the whole time what it would sound like if people said I was killed by a head of cabbage.”

As horrifying as this story is, it must be stated that this is by no means an isolated attack. James Schweis of Furlong, Michigan reported to local police that his cornfield was shooting kernels at him and any other moving object that tried to close to the crop. As proof he offered his veterinarians bill which indicated that the doctor did in fact have to remove a hardened kernel of corn that was imbedded 3 inches into the hind end of Mr. Furlong’s Labrador retriever. It was noted by police that there were no less that 200 separate welts covering Mr. Furlong’s body. “It’s just to damn dangerous to farm anymore. I had to have my crop duster come in here and spread kerosene all over this god forsaken crop. I sent it to hell I tell ya.” Shortly after this incident, Mr. Furlong moved his family to the nearest big city and wishes to remain there indefinitely.

When FDA officials where notified, a statement was immediately made available. “We are currently investigating the modifications made by numerous plant forms in North America. We do however refute the assumption that these vegetables are attacking people. However, somehow they have started defending themselves. We would advise anyone who does have a vegetable garden, small or large, to avoid it until further notice.” -Fred Baxter FDA field rep.

When Mr. Baxter was asked why he thought the plants are now rebelling after all these centuries he had no comment except to say, “All living matter evolves over time. We had our time, now it’s their turn.”

Intrigued by the word evolution used to describe vegetation, our sources moved to the foremost authority on the matter, Dr. Kimberly Ross, of The Stanton Institute. When presented with the information Dr. Ross came to the following conclusion.

“The primary aim of any living organism is to survive. To not let the community as a whole die out. This is seen in everything, from the brain of man evolving to better the beast to the beasts’ teeth sharpening to better man. Now, we simply see it with another organism. Frankly, I’m surprised they didn’t have this change well before now. Everything in nature has the right to defend itself. As to why it’s happening currently, I think that’s easy enough to understand. They’re entitled to this land as much as we are. As we take it acre by acre they can feel it as a community, the connection they all have underground is severed and they become tense. Then you have to add in the final blow; the Vegans that supplement all their food needs with these organisms’ families. It simply broke their spirits and set off a chain reaction that changed their echo system and genetic makeup. We have to learn to be symbiotic with one another to ensure we both survive.”

Later, Dr. Ross included measures we may want to start taking to please the vegetation. According to the doctor, everyone should start a garden in their back yards so the plants can feel the old connection they had with one another throughout the plains. She also cited that the emotions sent off by plates scrapped with vegetables still on them would be seen as meaningless death to their comrades.

Other reported uprisings in the vegetable nation include broccoli growing suction cups that cling to the throat and slowly choke the life out of their victims. Green beans jumping up and putting people’s eyes out and peas that harden and making their way to the top of stairs, setting people up for the fall of a lifetime.

The President could not be contacted for comment.

ricknaub ricknaub
May 15, 2012