Just Tired...

like I said....I'm just tired....I guess I have never really been scared of death.....I used to have parents that gave me beatings daily,my mother tried to drown me when I was 6 and by the time I was 15 two people had died because of me. I fell in love once.....we whent out for a whole year. The best year of my life....then I had to leave the country and 3 months later she dies in a car accident. If I had to say when I actually stoped caring it was then.....you can forget about someone who's just not interested in you,have a fight and break up  and hate someone who cheats on you,but when that person dies what are you supposed to do with everything you feel inside?

At 18 I was kicked out of my house,but I don't blame them for that....my step father is a sexist son of a ***** and one day on one of our usual fights,I was the one driving the car we were on and I got so angry and cared so little about either of us that I just rammed the car against a concrete wall....yes I'm damaged I know.

I have always done everything that had to be done to keep on going. Always trying to keep on the move,trying not to think too much about the past....but what is it all for? what are you supposed to do when you still don't want to give up but all you can feel is numb inside?

all I can think about sometimes is what would have happened if I hadn't left her......maybe she would still be alive....maybe I would care more about things...I wish I would have died instead of her.....I wish I had died when I crashed that car.....but I could never kill myself....just thinking about how angry she would be if I did makes me reconsider every time.....

Blesseddarkness Blesseddarkness
18-21, M
12 Responses Apr 10, 2010

Im not afraid of dying at all either. Sometimes i ask god to take me because im sick of the emotional pain i go through daily.

T.T see you're so nice! and you're strong even if you don't want to believe it T.T

no I ment it, I'm just not the kind of person to say it like that. I think u are, cause ur strong by feelings, u get up again no matter what hits u, am I right?

no I ment it, I'm just not the kind of person to say it like that. I think u are, cause ur strong by feelings, u get up again no matter what hits u, am I right?

for the "omg your so cool" thing I know you didn't really mean it but I didn't mean the vodka thing either so we're even ;)

lol, why feel guilty?

aww.....you make me feel guilty! ok the trick? a bottle of vodka,enough to pass out.

lol, then I'll say this "Omg ur so cool!"

yeah don't worry about me, I'm a master of the reborn. I can completely give up one day and wake up the next ready to take on the world ^^ one of my best traits. wouldn't have gotten this far without it.

and you were just judging mine for being ironic<br />
<br />
Oh my god, ur life must've been terrible, are u doing ok now?

that's just.....so sad T_T.....

ooh my god, what a..hurtful life, nobody should be treated like that......and about dying, me neither, but ...in the meantime, live and find some happiness, with good good loving friends, and someone special, and honestly, please, because you were so mistreated, don't turn that back on yourself and feel badly, you are not to blame, you are a worthy good person, and after what you went through, look for happiness, you deserve it. What a cruel way to treat a child, and its not your fault at all. This makes me cry, not for me, but for you, give yourself a chance and let all that go , you will remember, but you also need to love yourself and know that they had the problem, not you, you were a completely innocent child and all you got was people who had no heart, and your heart needs nurturing, with love, kindness, friendship, caring and every damn thing you didnt get then..:) *(hugs) purring at you dear one :)