I Am Not Afraid of Dying
like I said....I'm just tired....I guess I have never really been scared of death.....I used to have parents that gave me beatings daily,my mother tried to drown me when I was 6 and by the time I was 15 two people had died because of me. I fell in love once.....we whent out for a whole year. The best year of my life....then I had to leave the country and 3 months later she dies in a car accident. If I had to say when I actually stoped caring it was then.....you can forget about someone who's just not interested in you,have a fight and break up and hate someone who cheats on you,but when that person dies what are you supposed to do with everything you feel inside?
At 18 I was kicked out of my house,but I don't blame them for that....my step father is a sexist son of a ***** and one day on one of our usual fights,I was the one driving the car we were on and I got so angry and cared so little about either of us that I just rammed the car against a concrete wall....yes I'm damaged I know.
I have always done everything that had to be done to keep on going. Always trying to keep on the move,trying not to think too much about the past....but what is it all for? what are you supposed to do when you still don't want to give up but all you can feel is numb inside?
all I can think about sometimes is what would have happened if I hadn't left her......maybe she would still be alive....maybe I would care more about things...I wish I would have died instead of her.....I wish I had died when I crashed that car.....but I could never kill myself....just thinking about how angry she would be if I did makes me reconsider every time.....
